(happy) birthday, bear

Today is Bear's 39th birthday....
... except he will forever be 37.

Survivor

Last year, the American Thanksgiving was on November 27th.

I was watching Survivor just as I am this very moment. Except, I wasn't really watching it. I had pulled the chair next to his bed and I held his hand. Every so often he would make a gasp and I would get worried.

Sometime, maybe half way through Survivor, I felt a chill go through the air, and I felt like something hit me in the chest.

I literally jumped out of my chair and began the biggest freak-out of my lifetime.

I can not relive it right now because it hurts too much. But you can read about the freak out HERE. It is because of this that my husband left me, I am certain. No one will ever convince me otherwise. My daughter died when I had a freak out and my husband died when I had a freak out. That can not be a coincidence.

And so, today is the American Thanksgiving and the only thing I'm grateful for at the moment is that I am Canadian and I already dealt with Thanksgiving this year.

Tomorrow will be 1 year since the day he died at 8:40 pm.

Sunday will be his birthday. He should be turning 39 this year.

He always joked to me that he wouldn't live to see 40.

Deep down, he must've known it to be true.

I always joked that he often acted like an old man.

How ironic that he was already past middle aged when we met on my 18th birthday, which was just a few days after his 23rd.

I've been trying to keep myself busy with organizing my house this week. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I had the thought this afternoon as I threw some old bank statements into the pile for shredding that pretty soon there'll be nothing to show he was real.

Pretty soon his existence will completely vanish.

There'll be no child to continue his branch the family tree, for the only child he had died too. My branch has stopped with me too.

I can't believe it's been a year.

*tears*

Why couldn't he have been a Survivor.... and not the kind on tv...?

candlelighting

Last night I went to a candlelighting ceremony that was put on by the local Compassionate Friends.


Bear and Babybear's photos up on the "Children Remembered" table



Bear and Babybear's candles

don't blame me.... I didn't make up the rules

So lately, I have been getting this feeling that people feel like I'm making up the rules of grief.

They say things like "well you shouldn't be upset"

or

"you can't say things like that"

or

"I wish I could help you.... but I can't because...."

Last week I put out a quick invite to anyone who wants to come over for cake next week on what would be my husband's 39th birthday.

I quickly got "no I can't" replies from a few people. They all had excuses. A couple said "well maybe you can plan it another day." I have no say in the day my husband was born or the day he died. Just the same as I did not plan my daughter's death nor birth dates. I quickly removed and cancelled the invite.

I am so sorry that it inconvenienced you all.

That you'd rather go shopping for sales than have some cake with me.

I'm sorry that I'm so fucking depressing to be around.

Maybe I wouldn't be if I didn't feel so alone all the fucking time.

Maybe I wouldn't be if I felt like I mattered and that there was a reason to stay alive in this hell on earth.

But don't you dare blame me.

I didn't make up the rules of grief.

can't do this much longer

it hurts too much.

please let me see my family.

please.

*cry*

:(

I'm sad.

awaiting crashburn

okay i have been trying really hard to get stuff done around my house because I know there will be a crashburn very soon. Emotionally, that is. With Bear's Angel day (Nov. 27) and his birthday (Nov. 29) and my birthday (Dec. 4), his funeral anniversary (Dec. 5) and Christmas coming up I don't know how much I can take emotionally.

I have just hesitantly sent out an invite on Facebook to a few local family/friends to join me for cake on his birthday. I hesitate because I have already experienced the fact that people do not like to celebrate the birthdays and angel days of those who have gone on to heaven without us. When my daughter died in 2005, we had a little memorial service for her. We did not have a funeral because we were worried no one would come. Well people did come to her memorial (it was just in our back yard and we did not have a minister or anything join us because, as mentioned, we really did not think anyone was going to come. It was also about 2 months after she died too because it took us that long to decide we needed to do it for ourselves. (I should also point out that most of the people who came to this no memorial no longer speak to me)

Then in 2006 we had a little birthday party for her. but we reminded people that it was also our wedding anniversary so if they couldn't think of it as her birthday then they should think of it as our anniversary and come anyway. We had a few people come to that, and again in 2007. But in 2008, not a single person came. Everyone had excuses. Some of them were valid but most of them were not. That was our last anniversary together, our last chance to have a family gathering because just a few weeks later we found out Bear's cancer was back.

I don't think I will ever forgive my family and his for not showing up for that.

In 2009, obviously, it was just me and my dog. I did NOT invite anyone. But thankfully 3 of my friends decided to come over. One of them I only reunited with on Facebook after my husband was sick or maybe it was after he had already died, I can't remember. It wasn't much before he died if it was before, the other one I had only recently met, and another was a friend who's been there before.) But still, I hesitate to invite people because my experience in life is that no one shows up when I invite people. This is why I don't even invite people for coffee. I just leave it open "come whenever".

But I know, I know I can not do this alone. So I am trying again. Setting myself up for disappointment again.

I will make a cake, as I do for my daughter's birthday. I don't know how I will decorate it though. For hers I always did a bear theme. For her last one I made a Bear and a Babybear. I guess I will do the same this time. Last time I messed it up a bit though. I would like to take some cake decorating lessons someday, but not sure where to go. Will have to investigate.

I should point out that the invite situation happened long before I lost my daughter too. I had a few birthday parties that no one showed up to or other occasions, New Year's, or "just because". Sometimes I wonder if my friends are really my friends or if they hang out with me when they are bored and there's no one else to hang out with. Sometimes, I wonder if people really like me. I know most people don't. I don't blame them. I don't much like myself either.

Lest We Forget....

babybear's bear with the poppy her daddy wore every year

Today is Remembrance Day.

It is a day we are to remember all the victims of war, past and present.

However, today I remember my bear and my babybear and the wars they fought to stay alive.

They may have lost their fight but they were definitely soldiers in a battle.

Babybear's battle against my body.
Bear's battle against his own.

And now I am battling to find my way to them.
At least I know that, eventually, I will win this battle.

And we will be reunited.

G'ma

I think I've mentioned before that B's gramma has cancer now, too. I got an update this morning from B's uncle. He was trying to be all positive but the signs are the same as it was near the end of B's life. He couldn't eat, he was becoming cranky around me but tried to be happy-go-lucky around the nurses and visitors. I don't know. Maybe I've been ruined for life, but I can't think positive anymore. I only see the doom and gloom. Sure, she could live for another 20 years but positive thinking never worked for me before. Why disappoint myself any further?

Of course, I still hope for the best. But my experiences have harden my hope. I don't hold much hope for anything anymore. It's still there lurking below the surface but that's as far as it goes.

Is this any way to live? Knowing that things can and will only get worse. Knowing that even if I'm the tiniest bit happy, my sadness will always be greater? Knowing that, no matter what I fill it with, there'll always be a huge hole in my heart? Knowing that, no matter what good I've done in my life, the wrongs will always tip the scale? knowing that no matter how fast I run, no matter where I go, I'll always be there with me?

I started this post about B's gramma, but once again, I've selfishly turned it around to a post about me, and whine whine whine.

I still haven't figured out how to live without you....

why the hell do I have to?

:(

The weather is really nice here for November. And no snow on the ground. We did have a little bit of snow early October but it was gone within a day or two. Today, E and I went to the doggy park. I had to take the leaves to the "leaf-it' depot anyway and realized they had one there, so away we went. She was so excited to be at the park. Well, heck to be out of our house and yard. I have not been very good at taking her for walks. I get too focused on my hip and leg pains that I don't take her or when I do we don't go very far. Maybe as long as it's nice outside I should take her to the park every other day or so , I tend to be able to walk further in a place like that. I don't know why. Even if it means driving there but worth it perhaps? I don't know. We went there earlier in the summer or late spring and I said I'd take her there 2 times a week. I'm such a liar.

Anyway, going to the park is kind of hard. We went there a few times before he got sick. Actually, the last time we went there, he was feeling pain, but we never really thought much of it other than perhaps because he had no muscles left in his chest.

You know, if I hadn't made him go back to the doctor and say he wanted that mass removed, he might still be alive. I mean he had that mass for years and years. The cancer in there was very tiny, like an inch or two around. I feel that we angered the cancer by removing it's home, so it reacted fiercely instead of slowly. I might've had him for a few more years instead of mere months. :(

Today, I was putting away my laundry... that I washed like a week ago...and one of the sweaters was actually his but I wear it sometimes. I put it back in his closet instead of mine today. And then I grabbed a bunch of his sweaters and just hugged them. It felt just like I was hugging him! I wish I was.