Lest We Forget....

babybear's bear with the poppy her daddy wore every year

Today is Remembrance Day.

It is a day we are to remember all the victims of war, past and present.

However, today I remember my bear and my babybear and the wars they fought to stay alive.

They may have lost their fight but they were definitely soldiers in a battle.

Babybear's battle against my body.
Bear's battle against his own.

And now I am battling to find my way to them.
At least I know that, eventually, I will win this battle.

And we will be reunited.

G'ma

I think I've mentioned before that B's gramma has cancer now, too. I got an update this morning from B's uncle. He was trying to be all positive but the signs are the same as it was near the end of B's life. He couldn't eat, he was becoming cranky around me but tried to be happy-go-lucky around the nurses and visitors. I don't know. Maybe I've been ruined for life, but I can't think positive anymore. I only see the doom and gloom. Sure, she could live for another 20 years but positive thinking never worked for me before. Why disappoint myself any further?

Of course, I still hope for the best. But my experiences have harden my hope. I don't hold much hope for anything anymore. It's still there lurking below the surface but that's as far as it goes.

Is this any way to live? Knowing that things can and will only get worse. Knowing that even if I'm the tiniest bit happy, my sadness will always be greater? Knowing that, no matter what I fill it with, there'll always be a huge hole in my heart? Knowing that, no matter what good I've done in my life, the wrongs will always tip the scale? knowing that no matter how fast I run, no matter where I go, I'll always be there with me?

I started this post about B's gramma, but once again, I've selfishly turned it around to a post about me, and whine whine whine.

I still haven't figured out how to live without you....

why the hell do I have to?

:(

The weather is really nice here for November. And no snow on the ground. We did have a little bit of snow early October but it was gone within a day or two. Today, E and I went to the doggy park. I had to take the leaves to the "leaf-it' depot anyway and realized they had one there, so away we went. She was so excited to be at the park. Well, heck to be out of our house and yard. I have not been very good at taking her for walks. I get too focused on my hip and leg pains that I don't take her or when I do we don't go very far. Maybe as long as it's nice outside I should take her to the park every other day or so , I tend to be able to walk further in a place like that. I don't know why. Even if it means driving there but worth it perhaps? I don't know. We went there earlier in the summer or late spring and I said I'd take her there 2 times a week. I'm such a liar.

Anyway, going to the park is kind of hard. We went there a few times before he got sick. Actually, the last time we went there, he was feeling pain, but we never really thought much of it other than perhaps because he had no muscles left in his chest.

You know, if I hadn't made him go back to the doctor and say he wanted that mass removed, he might still be alive. I mean he had that mass for years and years. The cancer in there was very tiny, like an inch or two around. I feel that we angered the cancer by removing it's home, so it reacted fiercely instead of slowly. I might've had him for a few more years instead of mere months. :(

Today, I was putting away my laundry... that I washed like a week ago...and one of the sweaters was actually his but I wear it sometimes. I put it back in his closet instead of mine today. And then I grabbed a bunch of his sweaters and just hugged them. It felt just like I was hugging him! I wish I was.

November

November how I loathe you.

You may have given life to the one who I would marry, but you also gave him death.

A whole year?

How is that even possible?

It happened yesterday, in my heart and my mind.

How does one survive heartbreak? I don't even know, and yet, somehow, I'm still here.

Though, I hate being here so much.

I am anxious for my day to come, to be reunited with my family.

I can't believe I'm going to be all alone for another christmas. :(

and another one after that
and every single one til I fucking croak.

Some days I think that I should go to the gang infested areas of town and just loll around until I get caught in some crossfires. Wear some rival gang colors, that should do the trick.

But mostly, every night, I beg to not wake up.

But every morning I do.

When will this end?
will it ever?!

halloween

(Yesterday I posted in my daily blog about it being my EDD anniversary. You can head over there if you want to read it.)

Today is Hallowe'en.

Another day I really would rather not deal with, but kinda hard not to when the trick-or-treaters will be knocking on my door. I was going to hide upstairs and watch tv but there's nothing on tv on Saturday's and my dvd player is in the living room. So.

In the end I decided to get some chips to honor my husband (he had a huge chip addiction) and just pass those out to the trick or treaters. Hopefully the evening will go by quickly and that most of the kids come early. Usually I shut off my outside light and refuse to open the door past 8:30 or so. I may shut it sooner. After about 7:30 usually it's just the big kids who are big enough to get their own damn candy, anyway. But hopefully I will run out long before that then I can put up my "OUT OF CANDY" sign. or whatever. I just hope the dog won't bark bark bark. Last year she did okay, she barked at the first few kids and then after a while realized they were scary anyway. lol. I had treats out for her and had her stay on her mat most of the time. But she was recently trained and it was still working. It doesn't seem to work any other time, I dunno why. I hope it will work tonight because I just don't think I'll be able to deal otherwise. It also helped last year that the couch was where it was supposed to be and I could see the kids coming up to the door. This year, my couch is not where it's supposed to be. growwl.

the year before daddy was still here so I put emma up in the bedroom with him. before that we didn't have her yet.

This sucks.

I wish I could just disappear.

11 months

Today, or rather, yesterday now, was 11 months since my Bear flew away.

My heart still hurts with every beat.

I miss my family so much, bear and babybear.

Afterwards

So I came back from my whirlwind trip.... to this horrible life that is my "normal".

and I am reminded again, just how alone I am.

who knew this house could become even more empty?

My cousin came and picked up my dog today. I sure miss her. My house feels so empty!! As if it didn't already feel empty.

My flight is at 7 AM, just over 11 hours from now. Hopefully I will get a nap in. I snoozed for all of 5 minutes so far. Hopefully a little more. I've got a couple more things to pack but am mostly ready. I hope. I hate airports. Alot of that is because of my hearing loss. I will worry the whole time that I will miss announcements or something.

But I'm going and I'm hoping I'll have a good time. This is my first-ever major trip. And going somewhere where I don't already know people. I'll be meeting a few of my online friends there but no one I already know will be there.

I'm taking a leap of faith. My husband died feeling like he did nothing with his life... at least now I'll be able to say I did something once.

And even if it means I don't eat for the next year, I don't care. I wonder if my pup is too old to train to be a service dog (she's only 2 but usually service dogs are trained right from the get go) then she could come with me everywhere.

Going Away

I'm going away for a few days, and not just to my hometown.

I'm hopping on a plane and getting out of here.

My cousin has agreed to take care of my dog while I'm gone so she will be in good hands.

We never went anywhere. It was too expensive. Well that hasn't changed but... I've gotten to the point where I don't care if I go completely broke. I'd rather go broke doing something fun or for myself than go broke and say well whatever did I do ?

So we shall see. Hopefully it'll all be worth it! At least I 'll be able to say I went somewhere once.

I wish you were coming with me.

My heart hurts.

so bad.

I'm so alone.

People say they care...

but no one is here to show that they do...

:(