tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61498585957715859972024-02-06T20:40:46.199-06:00One Bear Hug at a Time... in the face of cancer, we are learning to live one bear hug at a time ...A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.comBlogger274125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-60264663429176998292012-03-24T09:06:00.004-05:002012-03-24T09:13:04.214-05:0012 hours: Relay for Life<div style="text-align: center;">Hello Everyone,<br />I'm popping back in here to share this from my every day <a href="http://withanangelonmyshoulder.blogspot.com">blog</a>:<br /><br />For the 3rd year in a row<br />I will be relaying in memory of my Husband, Bryan,<br />who lost his battle with Lyposarcoma<br />two days before his 38th birthday.<span style="font-size:78%;"></span><br /><br />The <a href="http://convio.cancer.ca/site/PageServer?pagename=RFL_CAN_home_accueil&s_locale=en_ca#">Relay for Life</a> is put on by the Canadian Cancer Society each year.<br />It is a 12 hour overnight non-competitive relay<br />to raise funds for research in the fight against cancer.<br />Below, I have posted a video by the Canadian Cancer Society for you to watch.<br /><br /><a href="http://waaoms.blogspot.ca/2011/06/relay-for-life-2011.html">Last year</a>, a few of you told me that you wished<br />I had posted my fundraising page so you could donate.<br />If you wish to donate, click <a href="http://convio.cancer.ca/goto/ter">HERE</a>.<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">All donations over $10 Cdn will get a tax receipt from the Canadian Cancer Society.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Thank you for your support.</span></span><br /><br /><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/14xzIVAG40s?rel=0" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" width="420"></iframe><br /><br /></div>ter@waaomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16281816721565523092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-61354132337143150722010-12-27T11:17:00.003-06:002010-12-27T11:18:42.254-06:00made it through holidaysMade it through Christmas without you. The pup and I just stayed home and watched movies.<br /><br />I have decided that it's time to archive this blog. I rarely ever post and when I do it's usually complaints anyway.<br /><br />I would like to thank everyone who has come here and shown me support in the last couple years.A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-67262841210417602172010-11-29T20:37:00.002-06:002010-11-29T21:04:58.241-06:002 yearsIt's been 2 years.<br /><br />I miss you.<br />Love you.<br /><br />what else can I say?<br /><br />Happy birthday.ter@waaomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16281816721565523092noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-73786620054070642912010-10-09T14:43:00.004-05:002010-10-09T14:53:46.568-05:00The Second Chapter Or The Day I Got SmartWe met on my 18th birthday.<br />We were friends for 6 years. We even flirted a bit. Maybe even a lot.<br />But I still didn't figure it out.<br /><br />Then 11 years ago today, I finally got a clue. You weren't too shabby.<br /><br />We began dating and the rest, as they say is history.<br /><br />Two years ago today, you fell down the stairs. Your legs had given out from under you as you were heading up to bed. You decided to sleep on the couch, and you insisted that I go ahead upstairs to bed.<br /><br />The next morning we called the Cancer Care and told them of your fall. It was not your first fall that week. I knew of one other which I saw and it terrified me. I later learned that you fell a few other times too while I was at work.<br /><br />Cancer Care told us to bring you to the hospital. Since your legs were very weak and I am not strong enough to lift you and hold you up, we called for an ambulance.<br /><br />Had I known that was your last moments in our house, I would have stayed on the couch with you.<br /><br />Within a week, your legs no longer moved. And the news came that Cancer had spread and there was no longer anything to be done.<br /><br />And that you would never come home.<br /><br />I wish we had tried harder to get you home. It would have been costly, but worth it. I think we both freaked out at the idea of spending money. Maybe had we tried harder, you might've fought harder too. Being in a wheelchair is not that big of a deal. You would've adapted. But we freaked out.<br /><br />I will always regret that.<br /><br />I'd give everything up to have you (and babybear) back again.ter@waaomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16281816721565523092noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-34270903839779810312010-10-07T12:01:00.002-05:002010-10-07T12:18:55.149-05:00The Day You Fell Or The Last ChapterSo this week marks the anniversary of the day you fell down the stairs which resulted in you never coming home. I'm Sorry I did not stay downstairs with you that night, but you insisted that I go to bed and how was I to know it would be your last night at home forever? How was I to know I'd have to go to the hospital every day for almost 2 months and watch you waste away, This big strong guy who never got sick. How did you slip away so quickly?<br /><br />The last few weeks, I have been very busy but things are dwindling down a bit and now the emotions are coming forth again.<br /><br />I really wished you were at the walk with me this past weekend. You would see how much we have grown. And even surrounded by 100+ people, I could not help but think of the ones who were not there. You and babybear. Of course, it is because of babybear that the walk started in the first place and because of all the other babies gone too soon that the walk continues to grow.<br /><br />I don't know how I do this without you, but I do and hopefully it is only bringing me closer to my reunion.<br /><br />I'm struggling. I have not been able to find employment and the bills keep coming. I don't know what to do. I haven't completely given up but it is getting so hard. I just want to curl up in a ball and never get out of bed some days.<br /><br />And I'm fucking lonely.<br /><br />and tired.<br /><br />absolutely tired of this.ter@waaomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16281816721565523092noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-37240408402775691202010-08-21T17:13:00.002-05:002010-08-21T17:35:06.181-05:00Roller Coaster AheadThe next couple weeks are going to be tough.<br /><br />With the anniversary of the day we found out his cancer was back... and his 3rd surgery (emergency).<br /><br />and with school starting in a couple weeks, knowing that I should have a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">kindergartener</span>.<br /><br />I have been keeping busy trying not to notice how empty my life is but it does not really work.<br /><br />Today and yesterday I babysat and today the kids were watching a movie and snuggling up to me. I sat there thinking, this should be my life every day.<br /><br />I have been trying to find another job but without any luck. Not even an interview yet. I can't give up and I won't but good gosh, give me a break. I am so tired and sore all the time these days and being broke is not exactly a mood-lifter.<br /><br />I have also been thinking more and more about how I don't even fall on the scale of important people to some people who are on mine. I am feeling this more and more and I think it is attributing to my feeling of being alone more than it would be if I were truly alone with no one at all. Where does the line of obligation end? Should I cut the ties and hope for the best? I mean, truly, some of these people have not really been a part of my life in years, we just so happen to be a part of each others lives due to circumstance or blood.<br /><br />The complication in my life remains a complication, but it's not consuming my every thought now, so that's good, I guess.<br /><br />September will be busy, if all goes according to my calendar. I am not sure how I'd fit a job in there without totally becoming an invalid with my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">POS</span> <span style="font-size:78%;">(piece of s***)</span>body. Babysitting the last couple days, I took the kids to the park which is only a couple blocks away and I thought I was going to die, the pain was so bad. This is why my dog has not gone for a walk in forever. (though I did take her to the park last week)<br /><br />I don't think I even mentioned a scare I had a week or so ago. There's a new guy at the bank. Apparently he read something wrong on my account and told me it was frozen. I was so upset. I managed to keep a frame of mind long enough to ask to speak to the manager. Unfortunately, I had to wait 2 days, in which I could hardly breathe, before I could see her and learn that it was a mistake on the new employee's part, and that my account was fine (albeit low on cash but not frozen!)<br /><br />I hate that this blog has become my spot for complaining, instead of a tribute to my husband and daughter, or a triumph over cancer.ter@waaomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16281816721565523092noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-24037798657090491902010-08-03T14:10:00.003-05:002010-08-03T14:18:45.579-05:00illogicalsomehow i made it through babybear's angel day and our anniversary.<br /><br />but I'm still struggling... in more ways than one.<br /><br />I just want to be okay.<br /><br />today is not a good day.<br /><br />have you noticed I only blog on my worst days?<br /><br />when I have nothing to keep me distracted<br />or when I got suckerpunched in the gut.<br />metaphorically, not actually, but maybe the real deal wouldn't hurt as much.<br /><br />I wish I could get away for a few days<br />the problem is that no matter where I go,<br />I'll still be there and I'm the one person I need to get away from.<br /><br />I know that makes absolutely no sense but whoever said I was logical?A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-72613050847724486042010-07-18T15:22:00.002-05:002010-07-18T15:30:16.708-05:00Facing The Worst Week Of The YearWell, here we are again.<br /><br />Staring the worst week in the face.<br /><br />I've got my imaginary boxing gloves on<br />and I'm fighting the awful memories<br />and the good ones too<br />of this worst week.<br /><br />There will be no winner in this game, only losers<br />and that loser will be me.<br /><br />**********<br /><br />Life hasn't gotten any less complicated since I last wrote. In fact, more so in some ways.<br />I am so emotionally spent that I can't even think anymore. I have a million and one thoughts in my head and I can't make sense of any of it. I can't seem to take action on any of my thoughts because I barely complete it before another thought occupies its space.<br /><br />One step at a time I guess, is what they say, but the question is in which direction do I take these steps?<br /><br />All I know is, right now, all I want is you, and you're gone.<br /><br />And I'm facing Worst Week alone.<br />again.ter@waaomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16281816721565523092noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-66524500630466185382010-07-03T22:29:00.002-05:002010-07-03T22:34:18.903-05:00Life Has Gotten Complicated.I can't go into details at the moment (maybe not ever)<br />but my life has gotten WAY complicated the last couple weeks.<br />It involves my future and a little bit of my past and it scares the shit out of me.<br /><br />this is my blog and I will swear if i want to.<br /><br />It does not help that it is July<br />and my daughter's 5th angel day is coming up at the end of the month, and mine and bear's 7th wedding anniversary is also later this month.<br /><br />I hate July. I hate it hate it hate it.<br />and now this complication.<br /><br />What the fuck am I supposed to do?<br /><br />*tears*ter@waaomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16281816721565523092noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-38925376868668277232010-06-21T14:34:00.002-05:002010-06-21T15:00:35.388-05:00repeatI haven't written here for a while. I am not really sure what to talk about. All I know is that every time I think of writing it all comes out as complaints and whines and woe-is-me.<br /><br />Not that today will be any better. It is that time of year again... when my life started to fall apart 5 years ago. Of course at that time I didn't know it was falling apart.<br /><br />Right about now I was still stuck in the hospital... but no one had really explained the seriousness of the situation. Every day they had told me I could go home tomorrow but then tomorrow would come and they'd say the same thing. It took my husband at least 5 days to bring me clean underwear because every day he thought he was coming to pick me up. I was in the hospital for at least 12 days, maybe 13. In any case no one told me I should be on bedrest so I spent most of my time pacing up and down the halls because I was so bored.<br /><br />Anyway, I am not going to get into all that, you can read about it on my other blog from my posts last year or I guess by now it was the year before.<br /><br />I am in a slump because this time of year is very hard on me and again I feel very alone. I am trying to look for a new job but all I can think is that I don't really want to work or at least not any of the jobs that are available that I could actually stand a chance to get.<br /><br />In addition to that I don't have any references. I have lost touch with most of my old references and some of them I have lost trust in as well. That is why I didn't apply for a couple jobs that I might've had a chance otherwise... their job ads asked specifically for references.<br /><br />Another problem these days is that people seem to be trying to piss me off. I'm sure it's not really like that but that's how I feel. Take for example that lately the weather has been crazy here so I've been switching back and forth between a/c and heat alot over the last few weeks. My pilot light keeps going out. So, I have had to call hydro to come 2 or is it 3 times now to relight it as it is an old furnace (but in good condition) and the last time the guy came he told me that i should get a cover for the fan to keep it from blowing out my pilot light. He told me that the furnace company that we have used (they have a sticker on the furnace) in past would be able to cover it for me. So I phoned. The lady on the other end was just RUDE to me. She kept telling me that it will be $85 / hour plus parts. I asked her well how much approximately is the part? and she got all snotty and told me that she is not a technician. Well seeings how I am broke, I am not exactly willing to have them come here for $85 only to find out the part is $200 and have to have them come back when I have the money and then end up having to pay $285 because they came back a second time in addition to the $85 original peek.<br /><br />Later I found out they have an email and so I emailed hoping to get a better response. Again the person on the other end says "85/hr plus parts" I write back and say can you give me an estimate on the cost of the fan cover. They write back that they have no clue what I am talking about and that it will be $85/hr plus parts.<br /><br />I am so miffed. My pilot light has gone out again and it's rainy again, so i need a little bit of heat. I have no money so I can't just let them come here for $85 for nothing or to come back again at another time to pay again.<br /><br />I'm tired of calling hydro to come and relight it only to have the next day be hot and have to put the a/c on again and repeat.<br /><br />and by the way, we have always liked their services before. but usually my husband called and he never questioned anything like that, he would hang up and then grumble about the situation. But not me, I will argue if I must.<br /><br />I'm tired of my whole life being repeat and nothing getting done for one reason or another... my body aching, the weather (rain rain and more rain with a few way too hot days), mosquitoes, time, money,<br /><br />I'm just rambling here and not even using proper sentence structure and grammar which is also driving me insane but I need to get it all out of my head. Not that it really helps.<br /><br />I am also getting a bit frustrated with my work, I am loving the job that I do but I am not getting any further ahead in it. My income is really low and is being spent on my supplies, therefore no extra money for bills and such. I am getting frustrated because people are not wanting to come to my card classes or even my open house, but yet I have to spend the time and money to prep for each one "just in case"...<br /><br />Is it all a waste of time? I really don' know how I can physically work at a "real" job for 8 hours plus a day and then come home and do all my housework, yardwork, errands like grocery shopping, and then my stampin' up job as well. I don't know, and so because I'm really not sure I can do it, I am putting off REALLY looking for a new job but that is not helping my situation either.<br /><br />I am hoping to have a yardsale later this summer. one of my neighbors put a notice in everyone's mailboxes asking if we wanted to have a block sale this upcoming weekend and I really would but i don't know if I could get everything ready in time plus I would need help lugging stuff out of the basement. also with the rain and the mosquitoes, etc. I am just not really up to it. I am hoping that I will get help to have my own later this summer. I have been going through everything, so far I've got like 10 boxes of stuff to sell as well as my old entertainment unit and microwave cart and a couple other biggies.<br /><br />but i'm so busy planning my open house for the new catalogue launch, so I'm just hoping that people show up to that. I have prepped supplies for make n takes for 20 people but so far I have only heard people say they are NOT coming, with exception of a few maybes. and I don't really trust "yes"es anymore.<br /><br />well anyway i shall stop rambling and get on with my day , I have been trying to force myself to go upstairs and get dressed so I could go to the bank today. I was up at 6 and raring to go but the bank doesn't open til 9:30 so I got busy and distracted and now it's almost 3 pm and I've done nothing much. (okay that's not entirely true, i mowed the back yard and cleaned up the doggie poo before it rained and I made 8 cards for the fellow demos all before 10 AM but since then I have done nothing and I'm already on my 4th coke of the day which is really bad, and all I've eaten is a couple chunks of cheese but I can't think straight enough to decide what to eat. bleh.A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-26828068090955982612010-05-15T22:16:00.002-05:002010-05-15T22:51:41.574-05:00Final Relay UpdateMy entire team (except 1) has backed out.<br /><br />So I will not be taking part in this relay.<br /><br />On the upside, I raised over $700 for the Canadian Cancer Society, and so far no one wants their donation back now that the team ceases to exist. So, it will still go towards the cause.<br /><br />On the downside, I will spend the Relay weekend wallowing instead of partaking in something meaningful.<br /><br />I know what you'll say.... do something else instead. I'm sure I could come up with many things I could do instead, but it won't change the fact that I am not able to do this.<br /><br />Yes, I know I could join another team, but I really don't want to.<br /><br />By the way, my last post was written a few minutes after they rest of the team decided to tell me they were backing out. On a day that was already a bad calendar day and I had almost made it through the day when their email popped up on my screen just as I was about to go to bed.<br /><br />Needless to say, it's been a rough week.A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-77138865942601053572010-05-09T23:52:00.002-05:002010-05-10T00:05:33.127-05:00UntrustworthyPeople wonder why I am not quick to believe them when they say that they will do something. It's because time and time again they prove to me they are not trustworthy. They always have an excuse or something always comes up. They promise to be there for me, but they are not. They are too busy, too tired, too poor, I am all of those things and yet, I am still here and still would rather scrape up a few pennies to go for coffee even when I haven't slept in a week, or just so happen to have 20000 things to do that day.<br /><br />They wonder why I'm so moody and why I no longer go out of my way to call them or email them.<br /><br />It's because, in the end, I'm the one who's always disappointed.<br /><br />My family thinks I hate them... that's not true. I just don't trust them....<br /><br />and I can't handle the disappointments, the brush-offs, the being the least important on the list. I'm tired, man, I am so so so tired.<br /><br />Unfortunately the alternative is to be totally and utterly alone in this world.<br /><br />except, i already feel that I am.A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-35990447039617925062010-04-26T17:21:00.002-05:002010-04-26T17:26:38.374-05:00DoneI don't think I can do this much longer.<br /><br />Today is the captain's dinner for the relay for life, and yet again I can not go. I can't because not one person was willing to go with me.<br /><br />I'm sick and bloody tired of all this. I'm so tired of people telling me i should get out of the house and then never wanting to do anything with me. Oh I'm sorry, I mean "can't" do anything. Bullfuckingshit. No one is ever that busy.<br /><br />whatevs.<br /><br />I'm done.<br /><br />I doubt I'll even go to the Relay now. I will hand in the $ on bank day and wish them good luck.<br /><br />From now on, I will not ask anyone to do anything with me. I will not ask anyone for their help. I will just fade away in the background, and hopefully disappear altogether.A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-21356739999105012602010-04-10T22:55:00.002-05:002010-04-10T23:09:46.589-05:00I am thinking of making this blog private. I don't think many people read it anymore, but making it private may help me know who is reading it. Not that it really matters if the whole world reads it or not but.. please let me know if you want an invite to read this if I make it private.<br /><br />I know my last few posts have been negative-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">nelly</span> but I tend to post on here during bad moments. It is not always bad, just so you know.<br /><br />I've been keeping myself quite busy these days, by my standards anyway. It may not seem so busy compared to some other people's lives.<br /><br />I have claimed this year to be for "The Great Purge of 2010" and so far I have really been busting my ass in the purging department. So far it is mostly papers. I have filled up several recycling bins and have at least 2 full boxes of papers to be shredded and 2 bags already shredded. I have thrown out tons of garbage and put tons of stuff in boxes to give away. I'm hoping to have a yard sale first and see if I can make any money off my crap. I have a garbage bag of clothes to give away and a bag of linens as well. This is not even counting the boxes etc. that B and I filled up just prior to finding out his cancer was back, when this was supposed to be "The Great Purge of 2008" (although honestly while I was purging stuff then it wasn't quite as ruthless as it is now. I am finding myself less attached to"stuff"... I no longer feel the need to keep something because so-and-so gave it to me.(sorry!) My new policy is that if I don't love it/use it/need it - it's gone. I mean yes, I still struggle with some things but mostly I am doing a pretty good job. I think though, that if people come over though they won't notice much of a difference yet. But I do, and frankly that's all that matters.<br /><br />So, that was my somewhat positive post, so that you don't think I'm miserable 100 % of the time.<br /><br />Thanks for sticking with me, if you're still reading.A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-37555729792779494762010-04-04T23:00:00.001-05:002010-04-04T23:01:57.185-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.bigoo.ws/content/gif/bears/bears_36.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 238px; height: 259px;" src="http://media.bigoo.ws/content/gif/bears/bears_36.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />i miss you, bear & babybearA Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-46032548282147101262010-04-04T17:35:00.002-05:002010-04-04T17:36:37.547-05:00TrappedQuite literally in fact.<br />someone has blocked my gate with heavy rocks.<br />I can't open my gate.<br />I guess it's just as well.<br />I'm gonna rot here anyway.<br />unfortunately I won't die.<br />that is my punishment for being born.<br />happy fucking easter.A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-41416627908151513502010-03-25T18:01:00.002-05:002010-03-25T18:45:35.735-05:00<span style="font-size:85%;">I feel like all I do these days is complain. I think it feels that way because I don't have anyone here to talk to about things, so I let it out on my blogs.<br /><br />I have been frustrated with lack of communication. It certainly doesn't help that I'm Deaf and can't hear on the telephone and really dislike using the Relay service. (Last year I heard of a company called Viable Vision which uses a video phone with signing interpreters as opposed to an operator that relays what you're typing - unfortunately they discontinued use in Canada almost immediately after they started, much to my dismay! I did, however, get the chance to see it in person at my friend's house before it discontinued and it was awesome! I really hope it comes back. In the main time I'm hoping to try out Skype soon and see if the hearing person can type while I talk with my voice. I recently tried OOVOO with my Deaf friends which is pretty good too but you have to open a separate screen to type so that makes it a little harder. With my deaf friends though, we just sign. - anyway - point - i am hoping that it will open up communication with others to help ease my frustrations and theirs) <br /><br />I think people think that I expect them to always be right there for me, at my beck and call, which is so not true. I just want communication. I feel that lately people say "maybe"a lot lately. So, for example, with my first and second workshop, almost everyone said "maybe" they will come, and I had to prepare for it but did not know how many people to prepare for. It added stress that I really did not need since I was already feeling quite apprehensive. Right up til the moment the first person arrived I really wondered if anyone would come.<br /><br />The other thing that's been happening lately is people will offer their help or offer to come visit "soon" but never say when they will come by, or it just never happens. It's not that I expect people to help, but it feels like empty promises. It has gotten to the point that I never believe people when they say they will come for a visit.<br /><br />I have people who say "let's get together this weekend" (or whatever date) and follow that up with "I'll let you know when and what time and where" but then that day comes and goes and the person either doesn't contact me or waits til very late in the day and has some excuse. This is not one specific person I'm talking about, but a few.<br /><br />Maybe the excuses are valid, I don't know. But I just feel like I'm such a low priority for people, and it is weeks or months before I see people. People who claim to care and maybe they do but... sometimes actions speak louder than words.<br /><br />When I do have people come over, it is usually just for a few minutes. Never long enough for much of a visit. Certainly never long enough to have a meal. I have a deep freeze full of stuff that's too much for just me to eat on my own. I have tried to invite people over but it seems never to work out.<br /><br />I feel bad. I don't want people to feel guilty for not having time, but sometimes I wonder if they really don't have time, or if they just don't want anything to do with me. It is hard to know sometimes.<br /><br />When I do get invitations to do something, it's usually something that the person knows I would not have any interest in doing or at a time when they know I will not want to/be able to. It always seems that people pick the same day to ask me to do something or It's when I've got an appointment or something.<br /><br />I feel strains in my friendships and relationships. I feel that I am frustrated with everyone and then they get frustrated with me being frustrated. Or they feel harassed because I will keep emailing them reminders or "well how about this or that or this " because no set plans are made.<br /><br />I can be spontaneous but when you've been through what I've been through, sometimes knowing that things will work out (even something as minor as a coffee date) can really be helpful.<br /><br />When my husband was in the hospital, I had people emailing me and saying things like "well if I have time I'll come in to see him after work some day next week" and then he was gone so fast and people were all upset because they never got to see him. He died thinking that people just did not care about him.<br /><br />One of my greatest fears these days is that I will die and no one will even notice until months later when my neighbors start complaining of the stink coming from my house. My other fear is that I will get injured or wake up paralyzed and not be able to do anything about it except rot away. This fear has been made worse by my body being in alot of pain lately. Last night, while rolling over in bed, my neck snapped. I was so scared! It was more scary than the fact that I can't feel my legs when I lay on my side. It's made worse because I'm alone.<br /><br />Anyways, I don't really know the point of this post. I don't think anyone really reads this blog anymore. I really don't know what I hope to achieve by writing this. Perhaps I will alienate people more. I realize that communication is a two way street, but with my hearing loss, I can only really communicate through my email, through texts, or through relay. So, in other words, typing.<br /><br />I also noticed too, that when I do see people in person, that I will talk and my throat goes dry and my voice gets all cracked. That's what happens when you don't get to talk to anyone but your dog.<br /><br />Well anyway, enough of my complaints for the day. I hope things will get better soon. I don't expect drastic changes because I can't change other people and their habits, but I hope that maybe I can make people aware a little more. I need definite answers and plans. Not just 'maybe' and I need for people to understand why it frustrates me. Don't get mad at me when I am upset because I haven't gotten a response from you. I think people think they can only respond if it's a positive response. I got 2 people saying "well I never said I was going" in response to the relay for life (which they didn't respond until AFTER i got mad!) and I can only say that "no I'm not going" is a response as well. Even if I don't like it.<br /><br />But I already covered that earlier so I won't get into it again tonight.<br /></span>A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-19452495233948665362010-03-24T22:59:00.002-05:002010-03-24T23:14:39.106-05:00relay kick off etcI'm really upset.<br />tonight was the relay for life kick off.<br />not a single member of my team wanted to go.<br />which meant I couldn't go.<br />Now I"m not big on loud noisy socials but I wanted to go and see what it was all about.<br />I know there was food there, and that there were prizes that the teams could win. I thought it would be fun and get my team motivated. Most of them haven't even registered officially yet.<br /><br />but most of all I thought it would be a chance to get out of the house for something other than an errand. everyone keeps telling me I should go out. but then no one wants to go out and do anything with me.<br /><br />I'm not entirely disappointed about not going. I'm mostly disappointed in the lack of support I feel from my teammates. I feel like they don't really want to partake in this and only said they would because of feelings of obligation or something. I don't know.<br /><br />The lack of communication is really what's bothering me, not just with these teammates but people in general. I'm feeling more alone everyday.<br /><br />When B was here at least I had someone. Now I have no one.<br /><br />Thank goodness for my dog.A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-2134754099488119212010-03-22T18:39:00.003-05:002010-03-22T18:46:59.934-05:00I've got a headache I can't shake. it's been hanging around for 3 days, it gets better after <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">tylenol</span> then comes back. i hope my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">BP</span> isn't too high but it might be. it might also be because of seasonal change and the fact I'm not getting much rest (even when I sleep). Plus I've been stressing <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">alot</span> lately. Part of it is because people are really ticking me off with their lack of common courtesy. And with their roundabout ways. I can't seem to get straight responses from people and the word "maybe" has become one of my least favorite words in the English vocabulary.<br /><br />I am also really getting annoyed (disgusted!) by these anti-smoking commercials that are meant to scare people into quit smoking. Idiots, don't you know that the smokers are outside having their smokes during commercial breaks?! Queasy Non Smokers like me are inside. And the worst part too is that it has this music or sound that makes me look up at the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">tv</span> when it comes on even if I am not watching the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">tv</span>! I really really really do not need to see that woman with a hole in her neck one more time.<br /><br />Seriously, if my life wasn't so fucked up and my family wasn't all dead, I would quit watching <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">tv</span> right now because of that disgusting commercial and wait for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">dvd's</span> of everything. ugh.<br /><br />I haven't been writing on my blogs much lately because I really can't seem to form any full sentences and I am just <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">ugghhhhhh</span> about <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">alot</span> of things right now.<br /><br />the mud, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">ohmigod</span> the mud, did I mention it in my last post the other day? <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">ughh</span> I don't think it's ever going to go away.<br /><br />well i probably have more to say but I can't think.A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-47809637583874784522010-03-18T14:37:00.003-05:002010-03-18T15:10:34.179-05:00just meI haven't written on this blog in over a month. I haven't even written on my regular everyday blog in a while either. Why? Well, the biggest reason is I really don't know what to say. Anything I can think of comes out as <span style="font-style: italic;">whine whine <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">whinnnnnne</span></span>.<br /><br />In addition to that my computer has been really slow and the space bar has broken right off. I have come accustomed to the little button that makes the spaces but it is still annoying. My printer tells me it's out of paper when it's not and then jams the paper when it accepts it. Yeah, it's been fun.<br /><br />I have also been busy with my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Stampin</span>' Up career that I have just started but most of all I have been in a funk. Some days I realize I haven't done a thing all day. Some days I am busy all day but with my pain and my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">f'd</span> up sleep schedule, I am not getting much done.<br /><br />Thankfully keeping busy helps but I am still in a funk.<br /><br />It also doesn't help that my life has been on auto repeat lately. Seriously, yesterday I washed the floor 3 times. You can't even tell. Yes, I know that's a side effect of spring but it is ticking me off because I have been struggling so hard to get this place back in some sort of normalcy and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">decluttered</span>.<br /><br />That's the other thing I've been doing... I have dubbed it "The Great Purge of 2010." Well even though I have purged <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ALOT</span> (mostly papers) I feel like I have not yet made a dent despite my efforts. My body has been fighting me and aching whenever I try to do anything other than be a bum.<br /><br />To add salt to my wounds, I got a letter today telling me that, sorry, the fact you're deaf does not make it easy for us so we are not going to allow you to come to our school. Gee, thanks for wasting the last year of my life with this.<br /><br />Didn't I warn you earlier in this post that everything I say now comes out in a <span style="font-style: italic;">big <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">ol</span>' WHINE</span>?<br /><br />I guess the positives now are that the snow is gone from my yard. It would not surprise me though if we have more snow on the way. But the snow melted helped in the sense I was able to get the dog poo cleaned up from my yard. It would've taken a normal person less than an hour to get it done, it took me two days. But I did it.<br /><br />Today it is a bit cold but it has been nice all week which is really nice for March. We often do not get spring like weather until May so this is nice, I had no complaints about the weather, just the mud that has taken over my back yard and has transplanted itself onto my floor via a certain pup's paws. No matter how much I try to clean her paws they are dirty, the mud is that sticky kind. I gave her a little bath the other day, no shampoo, just water. She hates baths. (well showers) (which is odd because she loves being doused by the hose outside) But then I decided to use a bowl of water and dip her feet in there, that helps a bit but I'm running out of cloths I can use. I have washed all her towels. I'll probably have to do that a few times a week til the ground solidifies. I hope this year I can get some grass put in where there is no grass, and I'm thinking of getting some cement slabs to put by the back gate which is where the most of the mud is and where she likes to run around and hop on her hind legs.<br /><br />Unfortunately, money is scarce and even with my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Stampin</span>' Up, I am still struggling to get through. I had to borrow B's <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">rsp</span> money to pay some bills but I am quickly going to run out of that soon, too. Thing is I like the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Stampin</span>' Up so far but I think I am going to have to get another job in addition to it. I just can't seem to get started with looking for a job, I know my hearing affects my ability to do anything and I hate to waste time. Plus the truth is I don't really want to do anything else so that makes it harder too.I know I have to and I'm responsible to a fault.<br /><br />The other thing too that's getting to me is this world's lack of common sense and common courtesy. People walking across people's lawns because they are lazy and can't use sidewalks. People not replying to email or letters or phone messages. I am tired of the lack of common courtesy to the point that I feel I am going to end up in the nuthouse because I am always having to remind people. I am always having to harass people because they didn't reply to my original messages or because they tell me they are going to do something and then don't.<br /><br />Well I don't know what else to say. Like I said, everything I say these days is a complaint and a whine. I don't like this but what can I do. It's my life... it sucks!<br /><br />On the upside, I have the movies 2012 and The Time Traveler's Wife (the book is awesome!) to watch this weekend and I have a workshop on Sunday which I hope hope hope will bring in a bit of income.A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-51632847905554372142010-02-14T10:23:00.002-06:002010-02-14T10:24:56.671-06:00Valentine<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.view-card.com/post-card/cards/grey-bear-heart-red.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://www.view-card.com/post-card/cards/grey-bear-heart-red.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-8401018017040501182010-02-08T01:57:00.002-06:002010-02-08T01:59:20.309-06:008 years ago today...<span style="font-size:130%;">8 years ago today was a special day.... read more <a href="http://waaoms.blogspot.com/2010/02/reason-5937-why-i-miss-you.html">HERE</a>.</span>A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-28459709337006282162010-02-01T18:32:00.003-06:002010-02-01T18:34:53.619-06:00Relay for Life UpdateI have come up with a team name and registered. I'm trying to get the courage to post about it because the fund raising page has my name on it. I'm always a bit leery to share real-life information online.A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-37840944971238587572010-01-26T16:12:00.001-06:002010-01-26T16:12:36.584-06:00Need Name Suggestions for Relay for Life Team<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.cancer.ca/Ontario/About%20us/Our%20locations/%7E/media/CCS/Canada%20wide/Images%20list/English%20Images/Logos/Relay%20for%20Life%20265x150%20English%20%20-%202007_547007583.ashx"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 267px; height: 150px;" src="http://www.cancer.ca/Ontario/About%20us/Our%20locations/%7E/media/CCS/Canada%20wide/Images%20list/English%20Images/Logos/Relay%20for%20Life%20265x150%20English%20%20-%202007_547007583.ashx" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I am creating a relay team in honor of my husband.<br />I can't decide on a name.<br />I'm thinking "Bear Hugs"<br />because his nickname was Bear<br />and his cancer blog has Bear Hugs in the title.<br />But it doesn't really sound like a team name, does it?<br /><br />I'm open to suggestions...<br />any ideas?<br />I'm hoping to set up the team on the Cancer Society site tonight<br />so rack your brain and help me come up with a name!<br /><br /></div>A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6149858595771585997.post-83345757403214611492010-01-25T18:33:00.000-06:002010-01-25T18:35:00.955-06:00I don't get itYou wanted to live.<br /><br />I wanted to die.<br /><br />You're dead.<br /><br />I"m alive.<br /><br />WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!?!?!?!A Bear and His Honeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12393136151875608069noreply@blogger.com0