Roller Coaster Ahead

The next couple weeks are going to be tough.

With the anniversary of the day we found out his cancer was back... and his 3rd surgery (emergency).

and with school starting in a couple weeks, knowing that I should have a kindergartener.

I have been keeping busy trying not to notice how empty my life is but it does not really work.

Today and yesterday I babysat and today the kids were watching a movie and snuggling up to me. I sat there thinking, this should be my life every day.

I have been trying to find another job but without any luck. Not even an interview yet. I can't give up and I won't but good gosh, give me a break. I am so tired and sore all the time these days and being broke is not exactly a mood-lifter.

I have also been thinking more and more about how I don't even fall on the scale of important people to some people who are on mine. I am feeling this more and more and I think it is attributing to my feeling of being alone more than it would be if I were truly alone with no one at all. Where does the line of obligation end? Should I cut the ties and hope for the best? I mean, truly, some of these people have not really been a part of my life in years, we just so happen to be a part of each others lives due to circumstance or blood.

The complication in my life remains a complication, but it's not consuming my every thought now, so that's good, I guess.

September will be busy, if all goes according to my calendar. I am not sure how I'd fit a job in there without totally becoming an invalid with my POS (piece of s***)body. Babysitting the last couple days, I took the kids to the park which is only a couple blocks away and I thought I was going to die, the pain was so bad. This is why my dog has not gone for a walk in forever. (though I did take her to the park last week)

I don't think I even mentioned a scare I had a week or so ago. There's a new guy at the bank. Apparently he read something wrong on my account and told me it was frozen. I was so upset. I managed to keep a frame of mind long enough to ask to speak to the manager. Unfortunately, I had to wait 2 days, in which I could hardly breathe, before I could see her and learn that it was a mistake on the new employee's part, and that my account was fine (albeit low on cash but not frozen!)

I hate that this blog has become my spot for complaining, instead of a tribute to my husband and daughter, or a triumph over cancer.