I still haven't figured out how to live without you....

why the hell do I have to?

:(

The weather is really nice here for November. And no snow on the ground. We did have a little bit of snow early October but it was gone within a day or two. Today, E and I went to the doggy park. I had to take the leaves to the "leaf-it' depot anyway and realized they had one there, so away we went. She was so excited to be at the park. Well, heck to be out of our house and yard. I have not been very good at taking her for walks. I get too focused on my hip and leg pains that I don't take her or when I do we don't go very far. Maybe as long as it's nice outside I should take her to the park every other day or so , I tend to be able to walk further in a place like that. I don't know why. Even if it means driving there but worth it perhaps? I don't know. We went there earlier in the summer or late spring and I said I'd take her there 2 times a week. I'm such a liar.

Anyway, going to the park is kind of hard. We went there a few times before he got sick. Actually, the last time we went there, he was feeling pain, but we never really thought much of it other than perhaps because he had no muscles left in his chest.

You know, if I hadn't made him go back to the doctor and say he wanted that mass removed, he might still be alive. I mean he had that mass for years and years. The cancer in there was very tiny, like an inch or two around. I feel that we angered the cancer by removing it's home, so it reacted fiercely instead of slowly. I might've had him for a few more years instead of mere months. :(

Today, I was putting away my laundry... that I washed like a week ago...and one of the sweaters was actually his but I wear it sometimes. I put it back in his closet instead of mine today. And then I grabbed a bunch of his sweaters and just hugged them. It felt just like I was hugging him! I wish I was.