I think I've mentioned before that B's gramma has cancer now, too. I got an update this morning from B's uncle. He was trying to be all positive but the signs are the same as it was near the end of B's life. He couldn't eat, he was becoming cranky around me but tried to be happy-go-lucky around the nurses and visitors. I don't know. Maybe I've been ruined for life, but I can't think positive anymore. I only see the doom and gloom. Sure, she could live for another 20 years but positive thinking never worked for me before. Why disappoint myself any further?
Of course, I still hope for the best. But my experiences have harden my hope. I don't hold much hope for anything anymore. It's still there lurking below the surface but that's as far as it goes.
Is this any way to live? Knowing that things can and will only get worse. Knowing that even if I'm the tiniest bit happy, my sadness will always be greater? Knowing that, no matter what I fill it with, there'll always be a huge hole in my heart? Knowing that, no matter what good I've done in my life, the wrongs will always tip the scale? knowing that no matter how fast I run, no matter where I go, I'll always be there with me?
I started this post about B's gramma, but once again, I've selfishly turned it around to a post about me, and whine whine whine.