Wednesday, August 5, 2009

two kinds of pain.

The last few days I have been thinking alot about pain. A couple recent situations here have me thinking about this topic. :

Emotional pain:

The phrase "hiding in plain sight" is so true. I've been trying to get organized around here and have been going through tons of papers and such. Anyway, there's a metal box on my desk. I've had it forever. I can't remember what I used to use it for, but anyway it's always been there. Well, I picked up some papers that was sitting on top of it, and then I noticed something that I forgot.

I had put the box out at my daughter's funeral to encourage people to write a note to her. I had taped on the top of the box "letters for Babybear" A few people did, not many, but I'm glad for the ones who did.

Anyway so I opened it up and I noticed that I stuck cards and other things in there, including my pregnancy test, which still says Positive in bright lines. I thought those things were supposed to fade after a while.

It was so bittersweet to realized where this was. I haven't got an official spot for all of my daughter's things because I keep looking for "the perfect shelf" and also my husband and I talked about getting a nice trunk for our bedroom to house some of these things but we never did get around to doing our bedroom.


Physical Pain:

I mentioned a bit about this in a previous entry recently. I don't know why I am having so much pain in my ankles and hips these days, particularly when I walk. I don't seem to have this problem walking around my yard (though my hip pain seems to be constant lately) but when I try and take my dog for a walk it becomes nearly unbearable. I barely make it to the end of the block (and I'm in the middle of it) before I start fighting the urge to scream out loud. Today, I pushed my limits and walked to the farmer's market (10 min walk each way) and back so that my dog could get some exercise (and me too, I guess) and so I could get some lettuce to make a salad for supper. Anyway, again, I barely made it 3 houses down the street before I wanted to turn around and come back home. I kept going and I'm really glad I did but the pain was unbearable. I don't know what's going on. I mentioned it to the doctor recently and they didn't do anything. Not even look.

Anyway, I don't want to prolong my life or anything but goodness gracious I just want to be pain free while I live here. I know that may be an impossible wish, but do I really have to be in chronic pain all the time?? What the hell is wrong with me? It makes me feel very much like a big fat loser.

I have been going back to the gym again recently. And funnily enough, doing my work out at the gym does not aggravate my pain more than it naturally is. That is to say I still feel the pain (particularly my hip) but it doesn't seem to make it worse or better. I've had this issue with my hip off and on since I gave birth to my daughter, and my ankles have had some issues the last couple years too, but only when I'm walking.

Well, enough of my rambling and such. I don't know who reads this anymore, I am just typing this for myself. I know I am being a big whiner. My friend suggested naturalopath medicine and I may look into it. Obviously "real" doctor's aren't helping me anything.


amber said...

maybe you have no cartilidge left in your hip and that's why it hurts.

My mom's hip was bone on bone and incredibly painful. She had to have hip replacement surgery.

I don't know any about the afterlife except that I can only assume that we have no more pain or sadness, but do you ever think that your husband wants to be back on earth as much as you want to be with him?

Don't you think he would want you to live your remaining years to the fullest and be happy?

I can't imagine the pain that you are going through but a positive attitude does wonders.

Colleen said...

There are still readers!

Shannen said...

I listen.

I'm sorry for your pain, both emotional and physical. Wish there were some words I could write that could bring healing...

But I do listen.

Momma bear said...

I listen too!!! Huge hugs coming your way!! It could also be that your hip shifted durning birth have your tried a chiro, or phyiso??

Why Do We Even Have That Lever? said...

also you may want to look into some physio. they will give you stretches to do that can work miracles.

I could barely walk in 2001 and had to go to physio for a while but now I know what to do when my hip / lower back is killing me. A massage can bring temporary relief too.