Monday, August 3, 2009

Beautiful Day Outside....

.... and yet... I'm sitting on my couch feeling kind of trapped indoors. Nothing is trapping me here except my own inability to do anything.

There is a nice breeze so I have the windows open today. That helps. I am so glad to finally have a day where the windows can be opened and not let in the heat or the cold.

Yesterday I sat on my couch all day and did nothing. I wasn't even really watching the tv. I had the laptop on but I wasn't really focusing on anything either.

Saturday, I got up early and I did alot of running around, but compared to how much running around most people do on the weekends, I didn't do much at all. Yet it wore me out to the point that I haven't been able to do much for 2 days since?

Panic attacks are looming in the background waiting to strike any moment.

Earlier today I realized that my brother's wedding is on the horrible, horrible 1 year anniversary of the day we found out my husband's cancer had returned.

Now, I'm expected to go there and be all happy?

I really wish the wedding wasn't out of town, then I could just go and then come right back home. No traveling, no finding someone to watch my dog at the hotel, no finding a hotel that will allow me to have my dog there. None of that crap.

I don't know why they chose that weekend to get married. I realize that the date has no significance to them, so I don't blame them, and nor am I upset with them, but gosh, why why why.

Of course the whole summer is full of anniversary dates that only bring sadness and horror to me.

I really wish I could just stop living. I'm tired of this place and being alone all the time. I rarely have anyone come over anymore. Not that I ever really did but the first month or so after Bear died there was always someone here and I liked that. It is so much easier to get through the day when you're not alone.

I don't know how many people from my real life still read this blog. I don't think many or any of them do. I am always brutally honest with my feelings and I don't hide behind a mask of fake smiles. I learned long ago that only makes things worse, and so I don't.

I'm just tired of being sad all the time, but there is nothing that can change this. I have been sad for 4 years now and any momentary happiness is just that. Momentary. Like a little butterfly that flies by... gone in a blink of an eye.

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