Beautiful Day Outside....

.... and yet... I'm sitting on my couch feeling kind of trapped indoors. Nothing is trapping me here except my own inability to do anything.

There is a nice breeze so I have the windows open today. That helps. I am so glad to finally have a day where the windows can be opened and not let in the heat or the cold.

Yesterday I sat on my couch all day and did nothing. I wasn't even really watching the tv. I had the laptop on but I wasn't really focusing on anything either.

Saturday, I got up early and I did alot of running around, but compared to how much running around most people do on the weekends, I didn't do much at all. Yet it wore me out to the point that I haven't been able to do much for 2 days since?

Panic attacks are looming in the background waiting to strike any moment.

Earlier today I realized that my brother's wedding is on the horrible, horrible 1 year anniversary of the day we found out my husband's cancer had returned.

Now, I'm expected to go there and be all happy?

I really wish the wedding wasn't out of town, then I could just go and then come right back home. No traveling, no finding someone to watch my dog at the hotel, no finding a hotel that will allow me to have my dog there. None of that crap.

I don't know why they chose that weekend to get married. I realize that the date has no significance to them, so I don't blame them, and nor am I upset with them, but gosh, why why why.

Of course the whole summer is full of anniversary dates that only bring sadness and horror to me.

I really wish I could just stop living. I'm tired of this place and being alone all the time. I rarely have anyone come over anymore. Not that I ever really did but the first month or so after Bear died there was always someone here and I liked that. It is so much easier to get through the day when you're not alone.

I don't know how many people from my real life still read this blog. I don't think many or any of them do. I am always brutally honest with my feelings and I don't hide behind a mask of fake smiles. I learned long ago that only makes things worse, and so I don't.

I'm just tired of being sad all the time, but there is nothing that can change this. I have been sad for 4 years now and any momentary happiness is just that. Momentary. Like a little butterfly that flies by... gone in a blink of an eye.