Thursday, July 30, 2009

Procrastination Saves Memories

Some time ago, my mother-in-law gave us a whole pile of Bear's old school stuff. Report cards, certificates he won, class photos, etc. We had them for a while, and in attempt to organize some things one day last year, we went through it (and some other papers) and weeded out anything he didn't want to keep. Well, Bear being much more simplest than myself and a little less emotionally attached to everything, decided to keep the photos and decided not to keep the report cards and certificates, and put them in the shredding pile. I did try to talk him out of it but he was convinced it wasn't worth keeping those things. Anyway, I can't remember when exactly we went through that pile but obviously we got side tracked and his cancer came back, so the shredding never got done. Today, I decided to do some of the shredding and found these certificates. Thank goodness they hadn't been shredded yet. I'll probably shred the envelopes they came in but I'll keep the certificates.

I have this tendency to keep anything that has emotional value, and our last Christmas together (2007) Bear went a bit overboard and got a bunch of cute things that reminded him of our babybear. I loved this about him! Anyway, so because he bought more than usual he decided to pretend things weren't really from him. So he signed the tags "from the Christmas elves" or "from the reindeer", etc. I guess I never put them away soon enough because he threw them in the shredding pile.

Again, thankful for procrastination that preserved these memories....

I am not having difficulties shredding with things that have his name on it, but I am definitely having trouble shredding anything with his handwriting. Bear even threw his old drivers license in the box!

I am trying so hard to get my house organized again and my life, at least the things I can control. I am finding all the disorganization around here to make me even more depressed and frustrated with the outcome of my life. The problem is I get emotionally overwhelmed or I start panicking or become indecisive about what to do with everything and can't continue. Sometimes I stop to go to the bathroom or let my dog outside or to eat, and then I can't get back into it again. Some days are better than others, but in the process I am ending up with a different mess than I started with.

I feel the need to get my house the way Bear and I wanted it. Part of this need comes from him telling me only days before he died that I must get this house the way we always wanted it to be. It has been 8 months since he died and over a year since we started working on our living room and it is not yet complete. I am so frustrated by this and I don't know what to do about it.

It would help me tremendously if I could just get it all done. But I fear, I can't get it done by myself.

I wish I could choose between having an organized house and having my family back. I'd definitely choose my family.


forwardtumble said...

Hey Ter

well, take it from an organized (sometimes :-P) professional trades person and grieving mother...

It's not that quick and straight forward at home, because you gotta let the dog out, answer the phone, put on the laundry, cook dinners, just hang out, blog(!!!)... and just be at home too. So things don't get done so quickly. You will do it, I'm sure, sure, sure. Just be easy here.

It's all right to take your time. At least i think so.

much love
xx Ines

Why Do We Even Have That Lever? said...

I hear you.... I get too emotionally attached to things. I want to keep everything. I pull Art's race bibs out of the trash all the time. He doesn't care. I do!

Keep something in mind about renos Ter. I know you had other things to side track you, but watch a reno show on TV. They never finish in their time line. NEVER. And even if they do there is always one more thing.

Last Canada Day weekend (the one over a year ago, not a few weeks ago) my family helped my bro and sis-in-law rip out and replace their bathroom. It was only on Wednesday that ARt went back and zinged off the bolts on the toilet so that HOlly could put the covers on. Over a year for finishing touches.

I lived in our house on St. Marys in a total state of disarray for over two years until it was done. it was terrible. So, I sympahtize and know you want to get it done, but remember that it takes time that not everyone has. So don't be too hard on yourself. I know you want it done to help with healing, but just don't be too hard on yourself.