Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Sad.

So, I have been spending sometime outside today. I see my irises and bleeding hearts are starting to come up. Memories are flooding and making me sad.

We have tried so hard to make a beautiful memory garden for our daughter, and we tried to make it so that it is still nice at the end of july for her angelversary/birthday and our wedding anniversary. Every year we have a BBQ in honor of our daughter and of our anniversary.

Last year not one single person came.

It was so depressing. I still have tons of wieners and hotdog buns and cabbage in the freezer that we had bought in preparation for that BBQ.

And no one came.

not one single person.

It was so depressing. Bear and I still made a cake and did our best to celebrate our daughter but we both were very depressed that no one came. Not one single person.

Around this time we were training our dog and the trainer told us to throw a party and invite people to come and use that as part of our training.

We said we already have a BBQ planned.

But not one single person came.

not one single person.

I ran upstairs and cried and cried and cried when the trainer got mad at us for not having a party.

Like it's our fault that not one single person came. NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON!

am I bitter? You bet.

It was our last BBQ EVER.

Bear was beginning to feel the pain in his arms at this time. Less than a month later he finds out it was NOT a pinched nerve but cancer returning.

CANCER.

and now I'll never have another BBQ / Balloon release.

Ever.

10 comments:

Why Do We Even Have That Lever? said...

Again, I'm super sorry I couldn't come. We went to Halifax to visit my best friend. Even if we hadn't gone out of town, Art still would have ended up in the hospital having his appendix taken out (which probably would have been better because maybe he wouldn't have gotten all chopped up inside and spent another two weeks in the hospital afterward!)

I didn't miss the other two Angel Days. I was there. I would have come last year too if we didn't go on that trip (which was not when I wanted to go but when Art could get time off work.)

If I had been the only one who came would things have been different? Would you have another celebration this year? If the answer to that is yes, then I'll be there this year, all four of us. We'll have a huge party.

HUGS

my3sons said...

I am so sorry! I am sad hearing that. Do you have any family near you? I can't imagine them not coming. I'm so sorry that you have had to endure all of this heartache.

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

(hugs)

Rocksee said...

(hugs)

A Bear and His Honey said...

Well, not everyone had a real excuse Alli. Most of them just decided they weren't coming.


My3sons, yeah most of our family live within 3 hours of here, and no one came. not one person. It was really difficult.

I'm just being reminded of this as I am seeing my garden come back. it's something we go through every year.


No I am not planning a BBQ this year. I will probably make a cake anyway though usually Bear made the cake and I decorated it. I will have to do both parts this year. We talked about how we hoped this year the cake would be a bear holding a rainbow. Those who have lost a baby will know the significance of a rainbow. But obviously that won't happen this year, or ever.

I won't plan anything because no one will come. If people surprise me and show up then great. But I'm not putting my effort into it just to be disappointed again.

People always have to work, or they schedule their vacations knowing that it's the same week every year. We got married July 26, babybear died july 22, born july 25, it's the last week of july every year.

Yes I know everyone has their lives, but it just seems so convienent that not one single person was able to come last year. Truth is I know for a fact that some people did not want to come.

Anyway, hopefully by then I'll be with my bear and babybear. oh I do not want to live through another birthday without her.

A Bear and His Honey said...

oh, and you know people think we do this just for babybear, but before we moved into our house we always planned to have a BBQ every summer and invite everyone we knew and why not then, it's our anniversary anyway, so it's something we would have done anyway, not just because our baby died.

Sarah said...

(hugs) it really bites that people didn't show. i really wish we could have come up there. i really do. and i wish we could come up this year but we won't be able to and i don't think it'd be the best for you with having a baby at that time.
but i promise you, when you are ready for it and we can make it work, we WILL be there for you at the end of july. we will laugh and cry and talk about everything.
((((((hugs)))))))

Caitlin said...

I can't believe that no one came?! That is horrible! I am so sorry.

momtimes4 said...

I'm so sorry that the last of Tyla's birthday/angelday "celebrations" that you spent with Bryan was even more sad than it had to be. I can't imagine how much everyone who loves Bryan must regret missing that day, knowing now that they can never make up for that, never spend another afternoon with him. ((hugs))

A Bear and His Honey said...

it was also our 5th wedding anniversary.