I wasn't raised in a church. Bear's family is Catholic but he had not been a regular church goer for years, since he was a young child.
We weren't church-goers. For the first few years living here, he worked nights, Sunday - Thursday. We couldn't afford to be picky about work. After that, we just never made an effort to join a church. My husband is quite shy and I am not that outgoing myself, especially in new situations.
After our daughter died, Bear took a week off work, and then he called his boss to tell him that he was taking another week off because I could barely walk and he didn't want to leave me alone. His boss said to him, "Well, you should think about us!" and that was the last straw. Bear began to look for a new job and finally found one (even though it took several months).
With his new job, he was no longer working Sundays (now working the 3:30 or 4:30 AM shift Tuesday- Saturday) and I brought up the fact that maybe we should join a church. I felt this need to do whatever it takes so that I could be sure to see my daughter again. But we never did... we didn't really know how to approach the subject. Do we just walk into a church? I have no idea.
Then Bear got sick.
After they cleared him of cancer, again I felt like we are being punished for something, we need religion. But again, we just never did. We talked about it but we didn't actually do anything about this and before we knew it, Bear was sick again.
Lately, I have been listening to other people's stories and reading other blogs... Many people go through trials and difficulties but so many of them have religion to help them through. Their faith and beliefs are keeping them positive and allowing them to cope with these situations.
And it is not just about the beliefs .... but the community.... I know it is not good to have envy of others, but it is almost impossible not to be. I wish I had that kind of support.
I am not saying I have no support, but I feel that it dwindles after awhile. I really have not seen many people since the funeral. I am alone and sad and missing my Bear and my Babybear.
I wonder how much religion would have made a difference..
Would it have saved them?
Would this journey be a little easier to handle?
Would I not be so alone?
I don't really know the point of this post... I am just talking to myself, getting my thoughts out there. I know no one has real answers to these questions and I don't expect you either.
I guess I just .... wonder.