Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Two Months

Dear Bear,

It has been 2 months since you've been gone.
My heart breaks more every day.
I miss you and I love you.
I'm so sorry for being such a rotten wife.
I should have tried harder.
I should have grown our baby properly. Maybe you would have stayed if she had.
I am sorry for all those times I thought you weren't there for me.
I know now that you were.
I know now all the little things that you did for me, or because of me. You took such good care of me, even though I was a burden.
I miss you more than words can say. I never knew I loved you so much.
I guess you never know til someone is gone and you can't see them or hug them or touch them anymore.
I would do anything for another bear hug.
Anything.
I just want to be with you and babybear.

10 comments:

Jo said...

Ter,

So sorry that you are having a rough day.

I'm lurking on yahoo if you need to chat :)

Hugs
Jo

*Just Jen* said...

That just broke my heart! You were NOT a bad wife and your losing BabyBear has NOTHING to do with the way YOU were growing her! I can say this, I blamed myself for YEARS after losing a baby. You lost that baby because something was WRONG with the baby and she wouldn't have survived on her own. I have no doubt in this WORLD that you were an exceptional wife and would have and someday WILL be an exceptional mother! You need to give yourself more credit! I have read this blog from beginning to end you did some VERY brave things along the way. You took care of Bear as best as you could in his condition. You did EVERYTHING you possibly could. Please stop blaming yourself! Lot's of hugz to you today and everyday.

The Stemkoski's said...

OH Ter! Just want to send you some big (((((((hugs))))))).

Tina said...

Ter, Im so sorry your hurting..{{Hugs}}

Tina said...

Ter, Im so sorry your hurting..{{Hugs}}

Why Do We Even Have That Lever? said...

listen you! no regrets no regrets no regrets!!!!

You can't change the past hon. So, don't sit there regretting it. It won't help you heal. I know you need to say these things. I know you need to get them out there. and it's ok to say them.

But, you've said them, now let them go. You weren't a bad wife. Stop that. Put it out of your mind. Just like in that song "don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone..."

You can spend your time feeling badly about the past, or you can remember the past fondly, and move ahead. You need to move ahead. Never forget, that's not what I'm saying, I'm saying stop regretting what you can't change.

Repeat after me:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

memorize the first verse. Repeat as necessary.

forwardtumble said...

Hi Ter

I am so sorry and wish I could do something, wipe away your tears, send you anything to make you smile, even just for a second. (Smiling... I always find it helpful myself anyway.) But I just know you from here and the connecting link between us is the experience of loosing our children. But I'm not where you are... at the moment I'm not even at home but 1000 miles from home in another city and country (Berlin, Germany). You are a wonderful person. And I know you are strong, you are a bears wife and a little bears mum, and bears are strong and so I figure you got to be strong, too. And though it sucks so bad having to wipe ones own tears away all the time it's the only thing we can do.

You are wonderful.
you are inspiring.
you are strong.
You are loving.
You are kind.
You are a wonderful mum to a babybear in heaven.
You are a wonderful wife to a bear in heaven.
Hold your head up high and be proud.

Hold your head up high and keep going.
Life had dealt you the toughest cards possible.
Someone once said to me, the sweetest revenge is to live well. I would like you to live well. for babybear, for bear and most of all for you.

love
Ines

www.mybutterflychild.blogspot.com

Sarah C. said...

I'm echoing the previous posters - you did nothing wrong. ((HUGS)) Wish I could explain why Bear and Babybear aren't here anymore. Not sure it would ease the pain, but I know it wasn't because of anything you did or didn't do.

Joc(e) said...

So many what-ifs and regrets :-( You were, and are, a good wife and mother. It is not fair that the people you love were taken from you. It's not your fault, nor theirs. I'm so sorry you have so much pain in your heart. I'm always here for you. (((BIG HUGS)))

Young said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your letter really almost made me weep but I'm trying to be strong. I don't know you but I don't think or feel that it is your fault that your Bear and Baby bear is gone now because of you.

I am sure that you did your best to take care and love them with all your heart. I'm really very sorry of your loss. I wish I could help you. I can only offer you my words. Don't give up and don't lose hope. I know that what happen to you is not fair. If I were you I would have gone crazy. You are strong and I know that a lot of people believes in you and loves you. Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. If you need someone to vent I'm here to be your pillar of strength. Just consider me as a friend who wants to help. I know I can't give them back to you. Even though we don't know each other. Don't hesitate to click my name.