When my daughter died, I became so fearful of so many things. I feared my husband would die and I feared to leave the house, I feared to be around people, and I feared to be seen by others, I feared to be alone. In short, I was fearful all the time.
I never completely got over that fear, but my husband forced me to leave the house and forced me to go back to work, and he forced me to "live". Many people told me to live for him, and so I did.
We had just moved into our house the week before our daughter died, and so there were many things we needed for a house that we did not have in our apartment. It was very difficult to go and buy these things as it felt very pointless and very wrong to be doing all these things when my daughter was no longer here.
Now that my husband has died, I am back to being fearful. I never really got over it. I mean, I still often cried in the mornings when I had to go to work. It would make me physically sick to even think about going to work or going out of the house. It was easier to do things that were not planned in advance, when I had time to think about it.
Again, I am unable to leave my house without a specific reason. I have not gone for groceries and I need some food. But that doesn't help, I can get groceries anytime, so I keep putting it off. In fact, I have not left my house since I think Dec. 23 when I had a doctor's appointment, with exception of going for a small walk with my dog the other day. (Which I only did because I wanted to mail back the movies I had rented -- but the mailbox was no longer there! -- at least the pup got a walk)
I cried myself to sleep last night because I haven't gotten any signs from my husband nor my daughter. I have never had a sign from my daughter, and I thought well she's just a baby, she doesn't know me very well. But before my husband died, I asked him to come and see me and let me know she's ok. He hasn't yet. So, now I'm afraid that either she is not ok, or there is nothing after you die.
And that makes me so sad. It means I will never see them again, if this is true.
I don't want it to be true, but I'm afraid that it may be.