Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Fear

When my daughter died, I became so fearful of so many things. I feared my husband would die and I feared to leave the house, I feared to be around people, and I feared to be seen by others, I feared to be alone. In short, I was fearful all the time.

I never completely got over that fear, but my husband forced me to leave the house and forced me to go back to work, and he forced me to "live". Many people told me to live for him, and so I did.

We had just moved into our house the week before our daughter died, and so there were many things we needed for a house that we did not have in our apartment. It was very difficult to go and buy these things as it felt very pointless and very wrong to be doing all these things when my daughter was no longer here.

Now that my husband has died, I am back to being fearful. I never really got over it. I mean, I still often cried in the mornings when I had to go to work. It would make me physically sick to even think about going to work or going out of the house. It was easier to do things that were not planned in advance, when I had time to think about it.

Again, I am unable to leave my house without a specific reason. I have not gone for groceries and I need some food. But that doesn't help, I can get groceries anytime, so I keep putting it off. In fact, I have not left my house since I think Dec. 23 when I had a doctor's appointment, with exception of going for a small walk with my dog the other day. (Which I only did because I wanted to mail back the movies I had rented -- but the mailbox was no longer there! -- at least the pup got a walk)

I cried myself to sleep last night because I haven't gotten any signs from my husband nor my daughter. I have never had a sign from my daughter, and I thought well she's just a baby, she doesn't know me very well. But before my husband died, I asked him to come and see me and let me know she's ok. He hasn't yet. So, now I'm afraid that either she is not ok, or there is nothing after you die.

And that makes me so sad. It means I will never see them again, if this is true.

I don't want it to be true, but I'm afraid that it may be.

6 comments:

Jo said...

Ter... I am so sorry that you are so fear filled. You could still say that you are "living for B" and for Tyla because you know that's what he'd want you to do. I know that probably doesn't help... but it's worth a shot.

As for getting signs from Tyla and Bryan... well, I believe that it's like the old addage "A watched pot never boils." I believe that you can't look for and wait for and hope for signs to come.... you just have to let them come. Sometimes a sign is something you don't even really notice or think about... a coffee mug that has been turned, a towel that has been rumpled, etc. ... but they are still there.

I firmly believe that there is something after death and that it is beautiful and no earthly words could ever describe it. Perhaps Bryan is just learning his way around, taking in all of the beauty, spending time with Tyla, catching up with family and friends who passed before him. He hasn't forgotten about you, Ter. He's just trying to learn HOW to let you know everything is OK in a way that you will notice it.

BIG HUGS to you on this turbulent day. May the days ahead be more peaceful for you.

Momma Mango said...

(Big hug)... Ter, I'm sure she is just fine. There are no tears in heaven. It is a place full of love. Some people think time is different there as well, because you spend eternity there! So it may only seem like minutes to your reunited husband and baby, even though it seems like such a long time to you. Praying for you...
Susan

Momma bear said...

oh Terri!!
I bet he's with you all the time, it must be so hard to be looking for a sign and not finding one. I remember people telling me that loved ones come back and talk to us in dreams!!! It's been tens years and I have never dreamed about Mackenzie!!! Bryan would want you to keep going!!! Rest assured that they are well and waiting for you!!! I'm sure he's with you ALWAYS!!!!

Sarah said...

i think finding nemo is one for you tonite. tyla wants to spend time with her mommy watching a great movie.
(((hugs)))

Mom 4 Life said...

I don't have anything profound to add, I just want to know that I am here supporting you. Your package arrived yesterday just fine, thank you:). Let me know if you don't see the new ammount in your account.

Many hugs,
Heather

Joc(e) said...

It's been a while since I have felt the fear you're describing, but I did, after Michelle died. I don't really dream about her either...maybe once or twice, but even then it wasn't really HER. You're not alone...but don't give up on seeing them again. I hope with all my heart that you do. :-)