Wednesday, December 31, 2008

An End To An Awful Year

2008 is finally coming to a close. What a horrible year it was. It ties for number one spot for "Worst Year Ever!" with 2005, when my daughter died. At least in 2005, I was happy for a little while, but the horribleness outweighs the happiness of that year.

While I'm glad to see 2008 gone, I am not looking forward to a new year. My experience is that life does not get better. You do not have any control over your own life. Nothing goes as planned.

I took an Intro to Psychology course when I was in college and the one thing that sticks to my mind is the theory of internal and external locus of control. I have thrived to be internal but the external factors have always gotten in the way. My life would be entirely different if things went the way I tried to steer them. Now, I know things can never be entirely internal locus of control, but it seems to me that not one thing has ever gone my way.

Perhaps I'm overly sensitive right now, having just lost my husband. But it seems to me my whole life has been cursed and those I love are being affected. I truly believe that my husband and my daughter suffered because of me and for that, I can never forgive myself.

Good riddance, 2008. You will not be missed. You were just another year to add to my miserable life.

7 comments:

Amber said...

I hope that 2009 is a better year for you and I also hope for your heart to be healed.

*Just Jen* said...

Oh honey, you cannot blame yourself for those awful things! You don't know me, but I have read your blog from front to back and CRIED and cried and cried. I lost a baby in 2005 and blamed myself as well. But you have to go on, as hard and awful as it may sound. It does get easier. But God has a plan for everyone and for SOME reason, he needed your daughter and your husband in Heaven. I do hope 2009 brings some positives to your life. God bless!!

mlpinky said...

I wish to say the same things as Just Jen did. I don't know if you have a church family in a Bible believing church, but if you don't, you need to find one. You can find healing through Jesus Christ. I know you are hurting and yes it does seem that you have no control over your life. But God is in control.

Praying for you...
mlpinky

Jo said...

Here's hoping 2009 is better for us all!

Jen Sue Wild said...

TER, I can feel it this year is going to be better year.
I say decover who Ter is and love her all of her not just the easy parts to love but the hard parts as well.
I think if you indulge in self decovery you will see what all of us see The amazeing person that you are!!!
Hugs and here is wishing you a happy healthy new year..

Michelle said...

(((Ter))) ... You have every right to feel like 2008 was miserable. You have every right to grieve, cry, scream, rant, rave, etc. You have been dealt more heapings of cr*p than is fair, ESPECIALLY in 2005 and 2008. You have every right to be sensitive, scared, and upset. But please, please, please believe that nothing *you* did caused Bryan and Tyla to die. I don't know *why* (in the whole spiritual sense) they died when they did -- but YOU did nothing to have a hand in it. You've been dealt a lousy set of cards. There's no doubting it. And my heart goes out to you -- it truly, truly does. I will pray that 2009 is a better year for you -- I know you've got a long road ahead of you, but I wish you an upcoming year of as much healing and peace as possible.

(((Hugs)))
Michelle (CarinaHopesMom on Share)

Joc(e) said...

I too hope that 2009 will be better. Your 2008 was much worse than mine :-( but I don't feel it was good for me either, or many other people. Wishing you the very best... (((BIG HUGS)))