Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Rough Night Followed By Rough Day

Bear had trouble sleeping last night and could not get comfortable. This lead to a rough day for him. He was very tired and in pain.

He would nod off while I was there but I ended up waking him whenever he started to gasp for breath. It was very scary for me. He complained of tightness in his chest, which may have been heartburn as it was after he ate his supper.

Bear is having difficulty with bathroom issues. He has had bowel troubles since being in the hospital, and prior even. Now he is having trouble with his bladder. They are scanning his bladder to make sure he is emptying it. The loss of muscles make it difficult to push the urine out. He needs help with emptying his bowels too. I hope he won't be mad at me for telling the whole world about this! I do feel embarrassed for him, I feel sad for him too. He is not used to being so vulnerable. The hardest part, I think, is just how quickly this happened. Just last week he was still standing and being basically normal, just weak.

I hope he is getting some sleep tonight and that tomorrow will be a better day.

The Palliative Care people did not show up today. We were told they were running behind and so they will come tomorrow, apparently. We shall see. However, a physiotherapist came by and she was telling us that Bear might have to come home since there are limited beds in Palliative Care. I am like, well, I would LOVE for him to come home but our house is too small for all the equipment he would need to be at home. She also brought up the fact that the home care personnel do not work 24 hours a day and if something came up (eg. one of them got sick) we would be on our own til another one was freed up to come. So, that would mean I would have to do everything including rolling him to his side or helping him go to the bathroom by manipulating his bowels or his bladder, and I would have to do all the regular things like making meals and taking care of our dog, and our house.

Now, I am not saying I am not willing to do any of these things, but I am just one person and I am not have super strength to do physically do all of these things myself. At the hospital, it takes at least 2 people to do any of these things, sometimes three people.

I found myself breaking down and crying. How much more can we take?


Kristy said...

I have no great words of wisdom for you - I wish I did. I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be alright, that this will all pass, that you'll soon wake up from this bad dream.....but I can't.
I cannot even fathom what this must be like for you.
If I could sit next to you, I would listen. I would pray. I would cry with you. I would tell you that the Creator does hear you, and knows your deep pain..... and then I would cry with you some more.
I don't have all the answers, I can't tell you why this is happening to you and your precious husband. But I do know that God is there, and He will hold you up when you can't stand on your own.........
I know we don't even know each other, but please know I'm praying for you...

Susan said...

I love what Kristy said. I, too, am praying for you and your husband. I will be praying that you will find the help you need to care for him, too.

You are not alone. Many of us are reading your story and praying for you and wishing we could carry some of your sadness for you.


Jen Sue Wild said...

My Heart is with you!! I can't even imagen watch the man that I love so much haveing such healtch issues..

Jo said...

Praying for a better day tomorrow.

Praying for strength for both of you, both physically and mentally.

Praying for all that you need.

Dana Lucas said...

Oh Ter! ((((Hugs))))

Is ANYONE....ANYONE....stepping up to lend a hand to YOU? Have you thought about inviting/asking B's mom to stay and help out?

I'm just so frustrated...and so far away. I want to call people at B's hospital and advocate for the two of you, but, of course I'm not next-of-kin. Nor do I have the written permission from either you or B to do such. I'm certainly willing to step up in that way if you and B would like me to. Sometimes it takes someone who is a bit removed from the "angst" of it all to advocate for a family. I certainly want to do that for you, if you think it might help!



Joc(e) said...

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs... *sigh* Love to you and Bear.