Thursday, March 25, 2010

I feel like all I do these days is complain. I think it feels that way because I don't have anyone here to talk to about things, so I let it out on my blogs.

I have been frustrated with lack of communication. It certainly doesn't help that I'm Deaf and can't hear on the telephone and really dislike using the Relay service. (Last year I heard of a company called Viable Vision which uses a video phone with signing interpreters as opposed to an operator that relays what you're typing - unfortunately they discontinued use in Canada almost immediately after they started, much to my dismay! I did, however, get the chance to see it in person at my friend's house before it discontinued and it was awesome! I really hope it comes back. In the main time I'm hoping to try out Skype soon and see if the hearing person can type while I talk with my voice. I recently tried OOVOO with my Deaf friends which is pretty good too but you have to open a separate screen to type so that makes it a little harder. With my deaf friends though, we just sign. - anyway - point - i am hoping that it will open up communication with others to help ease my frustrations and theirs)

I think people think that I expect them to always be right there for me, at my beck and call, which is so not true. I just want communication. I feel that lately people say "maybe"a lot lately. So, for example, with my first and second workshop, almost everyone said "maybe" they will come, and I had to prepare for it but did not know how many people to prepare for. It added stress that I really did not need since I was already feeling quite apprehensive. Right up til the moment the first person arrived I really wondered if anyone would come.

The other thing that's been happening lately is people will offer their help or offer to come visit "soon" but never say when they will come by, or it just never happens. It's not that I expect people to help, but it feels like empty promises. It has gotten to the point that I never believe people when they say they will come for a visit.

I have people who say "let's get together this weekend" (or whatever date) and follow that up with "I'll let you know when and what time and where" but then that day comes and goes and the person either doesn't contact me or waits til very late in the day and has some excuse. This is not one specific person I'm talking about, but a few.

Maybe the excuses are valid, I don't know. But I just feel like I'm such a low priority for people, and it is weeks or months before I see people. People who claim to care and maybe they do but... sometimes actions speak louder than words.

When I do have people come over, it is usually just for a few minutes. Never long enough for much of a visit. Certainly never long enough to have a meal. I have a deep freeze full of stuff that's too much for just me to eat on my own. I have tried to invite people over but it seems never to work out.

I feel bad. I don't want people to feel guilty for not having time, but sometimes I wonder if they really don't have time, or if they just don't want anything to do with me. It is hard to know sometimes.

When I do get invitations to do something, it's usually something that the person knows I would not have any interest in doing or at a time when they know I will not want to/be able to. It always seems that people pick the same day to ask me to do something or It's when I've got an appointment or something.

I feel strains in my friendships and relationships. I feel that I am frustrated with everyone and then they get frustrated with me being frustrated. Or they feel harassed because I will keep emailing them reminders or "well how about this or that or this " because no set plans are made.

I can be spontaneous but when you've been through what I've been through, sometimes knowing that things will work out (even something as minor as a coffee date) can really be helpful.

When my husband was in the hospital, I had people emailing me and saying things like "well if I have time I'll come in to see him after work some day next week" and then he was gone so fast and people were all upset because they never got to see him. He died thinking that people just did not care about him.

One of my greatest fears these days is that I will die and no one will even notice until months later when my neighbors start complaining of the stink coming from my house. My other fear is that I will get injured or wake up paralyzed and not be able to do anything about it except rot away. This fear has been made worse by my body being in alot of pain lately. Last night, while rolling over in bed, my neck snapped. I was so scared! It was more scary than the fact that I can't feel my legs when I lay on my side. It's made worse because I'm alone.

Anyways, I don't really know the point of this post. I don't think anyone really reads this blog anymore. I really don't know what I hope to achieve by writing this. Perhaps I will alienate people more. I realize that communication is a two way street, but with my hearing loss, I can only really communicate through my email, through texts, or through relay. So, in other words, typing.

I also noticed too, that when I do see people in person, that I will talk and my throat goes dry and my voice gets all cracked. That's what happens when you don't get to talk to anyone but your dog.

Well anyway, enough of my complaints for the day. I hope things will get better soon. I don't expect drastic changes because I can't change other people and their habits, but I hope that maybe I can make people aware a little more. I need definite answers and plans. Not just 'maybe' and I need for people to understand why it frustrates me. Don't get mad at me when I am upset because I haven't gotten a response from you. I think people think they can only respond if it's a positive response. I got 2 people saying "well I never said I was going" in response to the relay for life (which they didn't respond until AFTER i got mad!) and I can only say that "no I'm not going" is a response as well. Even if I don't like it.

But I already covered that earlier so I won't get into it again tonight.


Niecey said...

I still read this blog. My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine the loneliness. I am so sorry. I think you articulate your feelings beautiful and I am glad you have this outlet to express your pain. You shouldn't have to apologize for being honest about your feelings.

I'm just so sorry things are so hard for you. You had a perfect life and it was all ripped away and now your left so lonely you only use your voice when talking to your dog. That's just messed up.

There's got to be a rainbow on the way. There's surely something good coming to you soon. You've endured enough and are due a good, happy stage of life.

Caitlin said...

Sounds like a lot of this is other people's issues, not yours. It's not your fault that everyone is flaking out on you, it seems to me like it is more their selfishness.

And I think you should totally stand up to your doctors. You shouldn't be unable to feel your legs when you are on your side!

Maybe you should think about getting one of those medical alert necklaces- I've seen them for disabled or elderly people- that can summon help if you push a button. Just a thought.

Hope people in your life stop sucking!

Kaiqu said...


I stumbled across your blog, I don't know you and in fact live on the other side of the world, but I felt the need to say that I feel for you.
People can be so inconsiderate and unkind without even knowing they are doing it and it can get so frustrating, but please don't get too down.

I hope people begin to understand how you feel and communicate better with you.

littleharves said...

i'm here too, my name is anne, pop over to visit if you feel like it. i live alone now too, slightly different story but same path. i like this blog, its very raw and real, keep going , you are very brave xxx anne