Saturday, December 19, 2009

Life's Lesson

So, in the past few weeks, I have lost even more friends. I think once you hit the one year mark you're supposed to magically be happy again.

The worst part of this is that one of the friends I've lost is a fellow angel mommy who should know better that there is no time line for grief.

I am not going to get into it right now. I spent all night awake and upset about this. I would not say this person was a close friend, in fact, other than our angel babies, we had not much in common. So losing this person as a friend is not what hurts me most. It's the fact that I am losing my ability to trust people and to know who actually cares about me. It's that I am afraid that people are going to turn on a dime and suddenly hate me, just as this person did, and the previous friendship that dissolved a couple weeks ago.

I am getting tired of all the excuses for these people leaving being that I haven't "gotten over it" yet. Well let me spell it out for you right now. I am NEVER going to "get over it".

And you know, I could be doing MUCH worse than I am now. I could be completely non-functional, and if I were non-functional, I'd be dead by now but somehow I've managed to get out of bed every day and make my own meals so I don't starve. I've managed to go to the grocery store and buy the groceries even though god knows I don't ever want to leave the house.

I am just so tired of people .... I'm seriously at a point where I feel that maybe I should just drop everyone and accept the fact that I'm meant to be alone, alone alone.

and I'm tired of people saying they are here for me, and all that. Actions speak louder than words.....

5 comments:

Lisa Haveman said...

even though you don't know me, I have been reading your blog for over a year now. So, I know a tiny bit about you. I am sorry for your pain and all that you've gone through. And, I'm sorry for your loss in friends. I have never lost a loved one(s) as you have so can not say that I know what you're going through. However, you can know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and, want you to know that you might just have friends out there that you don't even realize you have!!

Yaya said...

I'M HERE!

(((Hugs)))

mallen said...

There is no right way to greive. You just greive the way you need to. I didn't lose my husband to death, I lost him to an affair and divorce. I've had some people treat me afterwards unfairly. Some people just don't understand and greiving makes people uncomfortable, so they think you should get over it as soon as possible. (((hugs))) to you Teri, I know it must be extremely difficult, and I'm proud of you for making it one year.

Michelle said...

I am so sorry people feel the need for you to 'get over it'. You're right, you may never 'get over it'. You have been through more than most people could ever imagine. You will probably never be the same person you were before losing your family. And you shouldn't be. Our life's journeys mold and shape us constantly and we are ever changing. You are trying to deal with all of these changes the best you can and no one has the right to judge these changes.

I work at CancerCare and I see families every day having to deal with the tragic loss of family members. I often find myself thinking how I would probably just crumble if I was in their shoes. To me you are a very strong woman who has been through so much yet still manages to leave a kind word on my blog and others. You started 'A walk to remember' and have helped many grieving families because of this. Thank you!

I wish for you peace and happiness in the new year.

AlliE said...

HUGS. I'm still here. I've been on this roller coaster with you for the past few years.

I don't expect you to "get over it." I'd love to see the pain start to fade for you. You aren't ever meant to get over it, but I'm hopeing that you can get past it.

You will never stop grieving for Tyla or for Bryan. Never ever. I just hope that one day it doesn't hurt as much.