Panic and Pain and Hunger (aka "complain, complain, complain")

I'm starting to feel panic about being alone all the time. Even though I saw people this week, the time I am alone is more pronounced. Maybe that's why? Maybe it's because I have too many long stretches alone that I really notice it when I've just had a chance to visit or be around people.

When I am around people, I find that I end up with sore throat from talking or feel like I'm going to pass out because I'm inhaling all this oxygen or that I'm trying to get as much into one short visit as I can. I try to be the best hostess so maybe they will come visit me more often. I don't know, is that pathetic? Does it even work? I realize people all have their own lives and that I am the only one who feels like there's long stretches between visits. I think also none of them have to be alone for this long length of time.

Because there are often long stretches between visitors, or because I don't know if/when anyone will come, I often give into my laziness or my pain, and ignore my housework, then I end up rush rush rush to get the house tidied up before they come. I am always so embarrassed that it's not perfect. I am overwhelmed all the time. I don't know how I am going to go back to work but I do have to by the new year, I don't see how I will be able to life off my husband's life insurance much longer, but the idea of going back to work has me hyperventilating. Especially right now with all my pain, and upcoming doctor's appointments (which so far have only amounted to more doctor's appointments.)

Speaking of my doctor's appointments. I had one last week and the doctor says that my pain does sound like rheumatoid arthritis and he sent me for some blood tests. I'm not sure how blood determines arthritis but he says it does. I had always thought xrays determined it. If it is not rheumatoid arthritis then it may be something else. The pain is in alot of my body. I don't know how I managed to do that walk yesterday when I can barely walk to the end of the block with Emma. I think it helped that I was distracted, but I did not move nearly as quickly as I did last year (not that I was ever all that quick) Last year I moved from the beginning to the end to the beginning taking photos, this year I mostly stayed in the middle the whole time and when we got back to the starting point I felt the pain and when I got home it was all I could do to unpack my van and throw as much as I could inside the door. Nothing has moved since then because I had to sit down after that and I barely moved the rest of the night. Heck I barely moved today. How can one 20 min walk wear me out so much?

I hate that all I do is complain. Is it no wonder people are staying as far away from me as possible?

I need some more quick dinner ideas. I rarely eat anything that's premade which means I make things from scratch. Now that I'm alone it's difficult because it feels like too much work, especially since I am the only one cooking (and doing everything else). I need some more easy ideas that won't leave a bad taste in my mouth. I guess you could say I'm picky, but I think I'm a bit of a foodie. [ food·ie (fd)n. Slang A person who has an ardent or refined interest in food.]

Well, speaking of food, I suppose I should go look for some.