Wednesday, May 6, 2009


(if you're here from Fort Thompson, welcome, YaYa suggested I link up this vlog. I do most of my blogging on my other blog, so feel free to visit there too)

4 years ago today, I took a pregnancy test that confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. Most everyone who reads my blogs know that my daughter passed away when I was 26 weeks pregnant. Now, I have lost my husband as well, and the anniversaries of my daughter's all-too-short life are hitting me especially hard this year.

A few weeks ago I did a vlog but have hesitated to post it, but I have decided to risk scaring people and posting it today.

I don't think I'll be doing another one anytime soon, it took over 2 hours for this one to load up!

I hope you'll be able to understand me, keep in mind that I have what I call my 'deaf accent' due to my hearing loss.

Well, here goes nothing....


Furious Mom said...

You have every reason and right to feel exactly how you are a strong woman and I admire you!
Lots of love and Hugs!

Michelle said...

I am so sorry. I pray that you gain strength. God only gives us things that we can handle. He has a reason for everything, though now we cant imagine why there is reason for both of your losses.
I wish I could help you. I wish I could take all the pain away from you and send it to hell.
Im so sorry. Consider this a hug from me and my little girl.

Michelle said...

PS. I never doubted your realness.

April said...

That took such courage on your part to show us your raw emotions. What a huge step and I'm so proud of you for doing that! I can see the hurt in your eyes and I can hear it in your voice. Please know that I'm praying for you!

momtimes4 said...

I think it is very brave of you to post your vlog - to share yourself and your grief with people in such a revealing way can't be easy. I hope that it helps those around you to truly understand the depths of "the pit" you are in and show them how much you need them in your life right now ((hugs))

AnnaMarie said...

(((HUGS))) How heartbreaking, thank you for sharing your feelings.

I don't like nighttime either. The house is too still for me to sleep comfortably. And I have my version of your Emma with my two kitties - they really help with the loneliness and I'm so glad they live with me.

You will be in my thoughts today.

Zackery's Mom said...

I feel like I can't say this enough Terri. I am so sorry you are going through this. No one deserves this much pain in their lives.
You are very justified in feeling the way you feel.
I cry when you cry. I worry about you and think of you every day.
Please remember you have people that care for you even though we don't live nearby.
((Big hugs))

Emalee said...

thank you for sharing. to see real emotion on the internet is great! Though its sad.....anyways much love.

crystal wolf said...

I think it's good that you were able to share your feelings that way. I think it is good to say things out loud, it can help release them.

Ali said...

Oh Ter! Thank you for showing us this. I have tears, you are a very strong woman. And I have never doubted your "realness", not once! I will be continuing to pray for you. I am so glad you have your sweet puppy Emma to keep you company =)

forwardtumble said...

So raw, so real, so sad, so hurt, so brave, so lovely, so lovable, so wonderful, so you. You are amazing. Big hugs

xx Ines

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

lots of hugs and prayers to you Ter.

Caitlin said...

I am glad that I got to see a part of the real you- thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings, Ter. And I could understand you just fine!

You are one day closer to seeing your family again- I think that is a beautiful way to think of it.

Anonymous said...

I'm crying with you Ter. Your emotions are so raw and so real and it just breaks my heart. I know I don't know you in real life, but we email a lot and I think about you every day and I really care about you and worry about you and everything like that. Thank you for sharing this vlog. I wish I could be in Canada right now and give you the biggest hug ever.

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

Ter... you are so strong. I can't even imagine being in your situation. In the blogging world, sometimes we feel our words don't effectively convey our truest feelings and emotions. Thank you for your Vlog, I know it wasn't easy. Although, I've never doubted your "realness" and your pain. My heart aches for you and my prayers are with you.

Vickie said...

Ter, you are so brave to show your emotions. Thank you for sharing your vlog. I never thought you were a fake person.


Dawn @ P.S.He loves you.. said...

all I can say is I'm sorry.
It's not enough for where youv'e been and what's going on in your world.

I will say though that Jesus knows what your feeling and will continue to be there for you anytime you want HIM to help you.

Nikki B. said...

how brave you are to REALLY lay it out there like this!

i lost my son 11.5 years ago...he was 11 months old....and i know EXACTLY what you mean. doesn't get easier with time. it hurts less often...but it still hurts just as bad. it's not something you EVER get over. like you learn to live with it and learn to give the illusion of "normalcy" -- whatever that may be!!

thanks for sharing such a personal pain!!

April said...

As I wrote to you the other day, I commend you for allowing those raw emotions of yours to flow so freely. You did an excellent job...praying for you!

Blessed Mom of 8 said...

I will be praying for you!

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think you did an amazing job sharing with us today - the real you, the pain that comes with such tragedy and how much strength is needed to face each day alone.

I pray you are not trying to find the strength alone and that you ask God to fill up each and every day to meet the day full of His grace and mercy.

None of us will ever know why you had to endure such loss, but I can promise that the One who knows has a good plan and a future of hope for you.

I pray you find comfort in His love and allow Him to turn the ashes to beauty in your life for others to taste and see how good the Lord is!

Blessings and many hugs,

Beth in NC said...

Oh, bless you. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are living through.

There are no words to comfort your pain.

I just pray that each day you'll feel more and more joy and healing. God bless you as you take one step ahead one day at a time.


Summer said...

Aw mama! You are so sweet and so brave to share this. You have been through a lot, and every tear that is shed is deserved.

Hang in there, it will get better!

Tiffany said...

I'm terribly sorry for your losses.

It was extremely courageous for you to post this vlog. And I pray it helped you feel better to talk about it and get some of your pain out. I desperately hope you are being supported and loved by your family and friends. And I pray you are looking to God for peace and comfort as well.

Many blessings

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Ter - you are a very strong woman. Thank you so much for sharing this vlog - my heart aches for you, truly. I've never questioned your 'realness', believe it. I've been reading back through your blogs and crying over your profound losses - you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGZ!!))

Tim said...

You just earned the Badge of Courage award for vlogging! Make sure you stop by The Fort and grab the code from the left sidebar. Display it on your blog proudly as you have earned it.

Im so praying for you during this difficult time. No one should have to endure the things you have been thru. Yet here you are strong as ever doing things like this post and inspiring us all. Your words were so touching that I cannot find the words.

Cant wait to see your next Vlogemotion!

Happy Mothers Day!

Love and Prayers,


Anonymous said...

Ter, you have been through so much. It is still really new and raw, I completely understand. Don't be any one but you, don't try to fit into any bodies ideas of where you need to be right now.

You are in my thoughts.


Beth E. said...

I'm so glad you posted a video! I'm visiting you from Tim's blog.

You have touched my heart with your pain, your grief, your raw emotion. You have had to deal with so much pain in your lifetime! Don't ever apologize for who you are or for the emotions you feel.

You definitely come across as real to me!

God bless you, and give you His peace...


She said...

I don't think you ever get over it, like you said, you just get better at hiding it. You've experienced tremendous loss, and you have every right to grieve as long as you need to. I hope that eventually the good days happen more often than the bad ones. ((hugs))

Mandala Michelle said...

I hope you can feel the warmth and love coming though. My biggest hug to you. You are an amazing lady.

Mrs4444 said...

I have no frame of reference for what you're going through, but I admire you very much for having the strength to go on and to reach out to others. You are in my prayers....

(visiting from Yaya's blog)

IMAGEine Couture Photography said...

You are real and that comes across in your words and in your video. I am so sorry for your loss. That kind of pain is something that none of us wants to imagine. Your strength, courage and open heart are gifts.

Joc(e) said...

Just to reiterate what I told you when you first showed me this video: I feel like I know you even better now than I have gotten to know you through written words on the computer over the past 3 1/2 years. I cried along with you, but I felt a sense of joy as well, that you are my friend. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us so deeply. I love you Ter! (((HUGS)))

Dana Lucas said...

Thank you for sharing this, Ter.