They (whoever THEY are) say "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff".
But think about it.... if all the small things didn't cause all these problems, then maybe it would be easier to handle the big things. Maybe I'd have more time to focus on "good things" in my life and to deal with the big things. The small things also keep taking away time I might be using otherwise to focus on dealing with the big things (eg. grief!)
I've had a lot of small things going wrong lately. My internet acting wonky, DVD rentals not working, SNOW IN MAY, a meal that didn't turn out, things breaking (eg: my glasses). Nothing really important in the grand scheme of things, but when you're in the depths of grief, all these small things just pack together and conspire to drive me insane. They seem much worse than they really are, and it makes me wonder how I ever thought I had the right to want good BIG things in my life, like being married and having children? Obviously, I am the common denominator. It must be ME that spoils everything.
Now before you go "oh ter! " and start lecturing me. I *KNOW* in my head that this is not true, but my heart can not fathom that any of this can be just a coincidence.
But back to the small stuff. If I only had small stuff to sweat over, then perhaps I wouldn't.
For example:
Last night, my internet wasn't working. I started to panic. It's my main source of communication with people. But then I said okay, I'm going to distract myself from it. There wasn't anything on tv, so I decided to put in a DVD rental. Well, I worried putting it in because recently, I've had a few DVD's not work at all because they were so scratched up. But whew! It worked. However, my remote did not! I started to panic and cry. Finally, a part of my brain cleared and told me to change the batteries on the remote and see if it would work. It did. So obviously, come on, that was a small thing but I began to panic because my brain began to immediately cloud over with grief. It's such a stupid thing to be so upset about and I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but I am admitting it because I hope that by sharing my experiences, I will help someone understand.
Grief sucks. Alot.
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2 comments:
I hear ya! I was almost sent over the edge last night when the taco place was out of black beans and I had to have pinto beans. It's not that there is anything wrong with a pinto bean, it's just that most food doesn't sound good lately and black beans sounded ok.
So yeah, I'd be crying over the remote not working too. I don't know if Bear was the handy one, but my husband would always make electronic items work. When something doesn't work my first thought is to get him, then I think of how he has left me, and then I think about how the world hates me, and THEN I may consider checking the batteries.
The small stuff brings on huge bad memories.
You are soooo right. It has always been very hard for me not to sweat the small stuff, because it all builds up. Fortunately, I do find that the anguish I feel over the small stuff dissipates pretty quickly, as reason takes over and I realize it's just not that big a deal. We have gone through the worst losses ever, and we're still here...that just has to count for something.
(((HUGS)))
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