Thursday, April 9, 2009

Don't Know What's Going On

I'm so fricking emotional right now. Everything is pissing me off. Everybody is pissing me off. I want to run away from home but I realize that won't work because the one person I would like to get away from is myself and every where I go there I am. I can't get away from myself.

Lately, it seems that no one is even close to understanding anything I say. It's like the words that come out of my mouth must not be English anymore. I feel like I'm repeating myself over and over again and no one's GETTING it.

And it doesn't even have to be words. I am probably going to tick people off and loose readers but in a way I don't care... but on my other blog I posted a picture of the flooding that is creeping up on my back yard. Most of the comments I've gotten so far are telling me how pretty it is. PRETTY? I like the grass better. I prefer the water to be where water is supposed to be. Not on the grass nearing my yard. The risk of my yard / house flooding is not that high but what with all the crap happening to me lately, it wouldn't surprise me one bit!

But it just sets me off? You know? Or are people just trying to be nice? Are they trying to put a positive spin on things so that maybe I won't be so damn negative??

It's probably a good thing that I haven't gone back to work or anything yet. I'd probably bash in a few heads, mess up a few faces, and perhaps beat some poor unlucky punk to a bloody pulp!

At least, in my mind.

I don't know what's going on with me. Maybe it's lack of sleep. I'm going to bed earlier but that doesn't mean I'm sleeping or that I'm sleeping well when I do.

I'm cranky. I'm hungry too. I miss having real meals.

I'm so tired of being by myself all the time. ALL.THE.TIME.

My poor doggie could use a break from me too. She's so anxious all the time too. Must be like walking on eggshells to live with me.


The Stemkoski's said...

Oh Ter, I'm so sorry. :( (((Hugs))) All I can say is that I have been there, done that. Felt like I was being bitchy to everyone around me. Didn't want to be around even myself. Just felt absolutely horrible.

I also wanted to say that I looked at your other blog, and until you added the extra comments about the flooding, I didn't realize what it was. I, too, thought it was pretty. Sorry :(. I personally don't think that people were trying to put a positive spin on things because they thought you were being negative. I just think we all didn't "get" it.

Hang in's gonna get better! Sending you lots of love and huge ((((((hugs))))))!!!

A Bear and His Honey said...

That's just it though. I *KNOW* that people didn't necessarily know what they were looking at but it still set me off just the same. Every little thing is setting me off. A stupid commercial on tv, someone saying hello, my dog having mud on her feet, thinking about supper. Everything! everything is setting me off and I'm just moody and cranky and I'm in a funk and feeling outright crappy and I know I'm taking it out on people and I'm frustrated because I can't seem to express or convey my thoughts very well these days and so people don't understand what I'm saying. Like in that photo I mentioned that it's a dry creek, and I thought people would get my sarcasm because it's obviously lots of water, you know? I know that people aren't always going to know what I'm saying so why is it bothering me so much?

And it's not any of you guys, honestly, it's me, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't like being like this. :(

Sarah said...

oh terri...i have soooo been there too! it's one of the worst places to be in cuz it sucks sooooooo bad. all you can do is take things one moment at a time. i'm sure you're sick of hearing that but there's not much more until the funk leaves.
i know changing of seasons can be hard b/c it brings back memories of when. maybe it's b/c you know anniversary dates will be coming up soon that you will go through yourself this year. i can't imagine that feeling.
maybe it's knowing that warmer weather makes people happier and while you are glad others are happy, you are still so sad, upset, mad, etc. it's hard to see others keep going when you are still hurting so damn bad. i completely get that part of it as far as it relates to losing a child. it's normal and understandable.
i wish there was something i could do terri, i honestly do. if you can think of anything, please let me know!
(huge hugs)

Rocksee said...

ter flooding is a f-ing mess. Seriously. It's horrible. It screws up everything. It's amazing what water can do.

I am sorry people are trying to sugar coat. Sometimes that makes it a whole lot worse than just telling the truth.

hopefully it will lower and things will get back to normal sooN!

Mom 4 Life said...

just want you to know I am reading and am so sorry. I know I can't say anything to make it better but just want you to know I am here ((hugs))

Why Do We Even Have That Lever? said...

sorry I couldn't come to you this weekend. I wanted you to come to me, but I know that isn't always the easiest solution, plus I know it's difficult for you to get to my house at night.

We *WILL* watch Stardust soon though, and you'll *LIKE* it.

HUGS, sorry I can't help much more. I try to be around as much as I can. I don't always say the right things to you, I'm sure I'm not the person you want talking to you half the time. But, I'm still trying to be there for you, the best I can. When I can't come to you because of the kids, you can always come to me. I wouldn't mind, ever.