Friday, February 27, 2009

Three Months

Dear Bear,

Today is three months since you went to join our babybear in the sky. You forgot to take me with you. You said you would. I am waiting for you to come and get me.

Life on earth is not worth living without you and babybear. Do you remember not long ago I told you I needed something to live for? Well, what do I have to live for now? My family is gone.

I know I should try and be positive and think about all the good times we have. But I struggle to remember them. We were only a few days shy of our second wedding anniversary when our lives shattered.

I am not ready nor able to think of anything good. I can only remember your pain and mine. I can only feel sadness and in fact, I even feel some jealousy that you are holding our baby girl, and I am not.

I can only feel guilt, for I know I pushed you both away.

I would do anything to bring you back. I hope you know my love for you is not fake.

You've made your point. I get it. Now come back. Come and get me and take me home with you.

I know that you are thinking "stop it!" but I can not. I can not stop. I need you and I need our babybear.

I function only because it's all I know how to do. But I am not living life. I am just...existing.

9 comments:

The Stemkoski's said...

((((((Ter)))))) I so wish your Bear and Babybear were here with you! I'm so sorry they aren't. :(

Tina said...

Im sorry your hurting Ter, I know there are no words I can say to take that away but I wish I could you do deserve to be happy and live, just give yourself the time needed to grieve your husband and daughter.. Big hugs to you ....

April said...

I just want you to know that I don't pretend to understand the sadness and hurt you're feeling right now...everyone's grief is different. However, I do know the pain of losing someone I love A LOT...my mom, dad, and brother all died within 6 years. Sorry if I'm repeating myself. What got me through is my faith in God. I'm telling you, if I didn't have Him and his promises to lean on, I don't know how I would have made it. Do you have a pastor that you can speak with and who can provide you counsel? Do you live close to any other family members?

I just want you to trust that things will get better, really they will! It may be a long, hard process, but your heart will heal. You will never forget what happened, but you learn to move past it and through it...someway, somehow.

Just know that I'm praying for you and asking that God will ease your grief and help you to see life in a whole new way.

Caitlin said...

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry! I wish that I knew what to say, but I don't. I wish that you could get a bear hug / baby bear hug right now! Someday you will, I am sure of it!
Thinking of you today and praying for you...

Jo said...

Big Hugs!

Joc(e) said...

Love you, Ter. Vent as much as you need to and write to B as much as you want. That's what going THROUGH the grief, and not around it, is all about. (((HUGS)))

Zil said...

Oh Ter - These milestones are so difficult.

It's nearly impossible to be positive through the tears - and sometimes you just have to let the tears fall.

While you feel guilt - you should know that nothing you did caused either event to occur. Crappy things happen. I'm so sorry that they happened to you. It's unfair.

Sending you my thoughts and hoping that you can draw upone the strength of others to carry you through very difficult times.

*Just Jen* said...

Ter, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I can only imagine how hard it is for you....I am 31 days away from the four year anniversary of when my baby angel went to Heaven. I know you hurt double though! *HUGS*

I tagged you in a fun little game in my blog today. I hope you will play along.

Dana Lucas said...

It seems like yesterday to me that your Bear took flight. Has 3 months really passed? Goodness, Ter, how does life go on around us when ours feel like it has stalled for good?

No need to answer that. It's rhetorical.

I Love You!