Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Memories

I have been going through old photos of Bear and our times together. It makes me so sad, but also glad to have had all those memories. Maybe soon I'll post a few photos.

I still can't believe he's gone.

Some days I wake up and think I better get to the hospital. Then I remember he's not there.

I don't really notice that he's not at home, or in the same room as me. We worked opposite shifts for most of our time together, and then his most recent job had him starting at 3:30 or 4:30 in the morning, so he was in bed earlier.

But what I have noticed, is that he hasn't COME home.

I notice that he's not in bed when I go to bed, as he has been the last two years with his current job. He went to bed at 7 and I would follow a few hours later. He was gone when I woke up, so waking up without him now doesn't hit me too difficult .

I notice when it's time to make a meal, that he's not there to help me prep the food, and nor is he there to help me eat it. I am cooking for one, not two, and not three as I should be.

Those are the times it hits the most.

I've probably already posted all of this...

I shouldn't be looking at photos, but what am I supposed to do? Just forget? I can't. I won't.

7 comments:

Momma Mango said...

No, you will never forget him. (I'm sure nobody expects that, either!) Everybody grieves in their own way, and in their own time. And it's okay to do so.
Praying for you, and sending a hug your way...
Susan

The Stemkoski's said...

(((Hugs))) Ter!

Tina said...

Ter, You cant, you wont, and you never will...:) those pictures, those memories are your connection and you need that right now. {{{{hugs))))Grief is such a process done in our own time...Thinking of you

Jo said...

You absolutely SHOULD be looking at those photos! That's what you need right now... to see his face... to at least feel a little closer to him, even if it is just close to his photo.... to remember the happy times you had with him.

You look at those photos until the corners are bent and the paper is worn on the edges from your fingers... and even some tear stains won't hurt. And then... you KEEP ON looking at them. And keep on remembering.

Big Hugs Ter. I know I say that all the damn time... but I just wish I were closer to give you REAL hugs and to sit by you while you cry, and to laugh with you, and to run around with you.

*Just Jen* said...

No, you should be looking through the pictures, remembering all of the good times! *HUGZ* to you Ter!

Why Do We Even Have That Lever? said...

And why shouldn't you be looking at those photos? No one expects anyone to forget those who have passed on before us. We don't erase those people from our lives. Not adults or children who have gone too soon.

that's why we take photos. To remember. No just to remember when someone is passed on, but to remember them at all times. I have photos of people from Japan that I'll never see again. I have photos from all over. Doesn't mean I shouldn't look at them again. That's why I took them.

Keep your memories close my dear, and let them shine. :-)

forwardtumble said...

Just sending you a big hug with lot's and lot's of care and love for you.