Sunday, December 21, 2008

Role Playing

When you live with someone for so long, you automatically assume roles in the household. These roles are not necessarily assigned out, but just fall into place after a while.

My husband and I both did alot of equal work around the house, but there were some things that just naturally became something he did more than me, and some things it just naturally became something that I did more than him.

When Bear landed in the hospital, I let alot of these things slide, but now that I am not at the hospital several hours a day, I need to resume some of these roles. The problem is that now I have to pick up some of his roles too.

We both made meals and we both did regular clean up around the house. I did most of the laundry, while he did most of the outdoor work (mowing lawn, shoveling snow), he dealt with most of the finances, while I dealt with holidays and "special things" (making gifts, etc.), I dealt with organizing things, and he dealt with keeping them organized. In a lot of ways, we were a good match in this regard. We complimented each other. My weaknesses were his strengths and his weaknesses were my strengths.

Now that he is gone, I have to assume his roles in addition to mine. It is overwhelming being the only one who does everything. And because of that, sometimes I just don't do them. Which means right now my house is a mess.

I put off shoveling for the last couple weeks, and yesterday we had a bit of a snow storm. I could barely open my door because the new snow was on top of all the snow that was already there.

I am not yet capable of doing everything by myself yet. I can't figure out how to make it work, and sometimes just thinking about thing puts me in such a state of depression that I"ll just go watch tv instead of even attempting to get anything done.

Eventually, I am sure, I will figure it all out. I wish I didn't have to.


Tina said...

I wish you didnt have to figure it out either...Its just not right. ut after ready your blogs and not even knowing you personally I get a sense of strength from your writings and have complete faith you will get through this and be able to do it...Dont rush yourself it will come in time...God Bless

thanks for following my blog as well.:)

Anonymous said...

Do you have anyone you can ask to help do some of the work outside (like shoveling snow)? Like someone from your church?
I can not imagine what you are going through. You need to remind yourself that it is o.k. to have a messy house right now and that it is o.k. that nothing is getting done. You need to have time to mourn.

Jo said...

Praying for strength, healing and patience with yourself.

You will make it. I know you will. The task seems daunting right now... but eventually the need to have things done will take over and it will all become automatic to you.

Like Tina said... it will come in time.

Big hugs!

mlpinky said...

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I understand somewhat about this. My husband didn't die, he left me for another woman two years ago. It took awhile to learn how to do all the things he used to do. My advise to you is to take one thing at a time. I do what you do (avoid it, put my head in the sand) when I think of all I have to do. But when you take things one at a time, it seems a bit more managable. The things you cannot do, ask for help. I'm sure there is some people who would love to help you, but don't know what to do.

Take care Terri. I'm thinking and praying for you...

Joc(e) said...

It must be very tough. :-( Just one moment at a time, Ter...that's all you can do. (((HUGS)))

Totallyscrappy said...

Praying for you.
One afternoon this summer I was on the phone with my sister in law. It was a few weeks after my brother had died and she had gone to the grocery store. We were talking and all of a sudden she stopped and said very matter of factly, "You know, Jim always came out to the car to get the groceries if I went to the store. And most of the time HE went to the grocery store. I'm having to do a lot of things now that I didn't do before."
May God be close to you in your grief. And always.

Tiffany said...

i am sure it will take time to figure it all out and get into a routine. It will probably take months or even a few years to get fully adjusted-but you will get there.

I cannot imagine what you are going through. I know the last month has been extremely tough on you. I pray that you will find comfort and support to get through/