Sunday, October 19, 2008

A Not So Great Day

Today, Bear was not doing too well. He was in a lot of discomfort due to troubles with his bowels. He tells me he was able to empty them last night but this morning he felt them churning. He was still feeling badly when I left. I feel so guilty leaving him when he's in pain or discomfort but he keeps telling me that that's the way it is all the time now.

I was shocked today to see that his feet have swollen and his legs have hardly any muscles left in them at all. I could feel the bones. I could even see them. Bear can no longer wiggle his toes and is pretty much paralized from the waist down.

The resident doctor came by and told Bear that hopefully tomorrow the physio department will have his chair ready. This will mean that he will be able to leave the bed and have a change of scenery. I think this will give him some hope again, you know?

Hopefully this week we will find out more about palliative care facility. I think that is also going to make a difference in his quality of life. He is so depressed with everything right now. Understandably so, but having the same bland food. Sitting in the same bed in the same room with the only view being of other beds... it isn't good for the mental well-being.

Yesterday, he received a new bed. It is called an Air Bed and I guess the mattress has air in it that readjusts itself on a regular basis so that the body isn't laying on the bed in the exact same manner for long periods of time. Bear tells me that he is much more comfortable on this bed than the standard bed. His discomfort now has nothing to do with the bed, whereas before the bed was adding to his discomfort.

Please continue to pray for my husband and pray for me. I have a difficult time praying and I fear that my words are not being heard.


Jo said...

Praying, praying and praying more and more! You are now on the prayer chain at 3 different churches :) I have requested this of some friends :)

Believe me, Ter, your words ARE heard. God knows your thoughts. He is always with you. He is in your heart. He will never leave you (even though sometimes it feels like He has). There is no "right way" to pray.

Hugs and Love

Allison said...

Jo is right. Your words are being heard. And mine. And everyone elses.

The chair will be nice. Walking will be good for him. and you, not being cooped up in the room all the time. I will see what I can make with the kids to send to B.

I'm so sorry again. And I meant everything I said on Wednesday when I came over. It seems like you have so much more family support all of a sudden, which is fabulous. I'm so happy for that, for both of your sakes. But don't think for a moment that that gets you out of doing things with my family, because it's not going to! you are stuck with us now too. Deal with it.


Joc(e) said...

I'm so glad he has a new bed to help with his comfort. Hopefully the palliative care will make a positive difference also. Thinking about you always! (((HUGS)))

Shell said...

Wow, this was really hard to read (even though you wrote it very well). I surfed onto your site and once here I realized I knew B when I was very young.

There is no doubt that I can't imagine what you're feeling but please accept my thoughts and prayers as they are all I (a stranger to you) can give you right now. I am so, so sorry :(

perilloparodies said...

God knows the words that churn in your heart and mind. He hears the very groans of your heart. He loves you and is there to offer you His strength, His hope, His peace... I am praying.

Susan said...

I just wanted to say that I'm praying for you. There have been times when I have wondered about God hearing my prayers, too. But I know He does. Even when we have no words. He is with us and knows us completely. I hope you can take comfort in this. When we are weak He is strong. He loves you and will not abandon you!

Susan in MN

Sarah C. said...

Good news about the new mattress. I hope they have the chair ready for him soon.

I read an article in our paper this morning and a quote stuck out at me: "We're not promised that bad things won't happen to us. We're just promised that God will get through it with us." -Becky Fisher

Continuing to pray for you both. Especially for strength for you. ((HUGS))

Jo said...

Ter... is there an addy you can give us where we can send cards etc to B in the hospital??

Just thought that might cheer him up a bit!!


Kristy said...

Praying for you both in Oregon....

Dana Lucas said...

((((((Ter & Bryan))))))

So much of what you report reminds me of what I endured with my mother once we knew it was only a matter of time (although we never knew how much time)before her spirit took flight.

I remember "Palliative Care" quite well. I was grateful for it. So was she. Its goal is to relieve the pain and make the one who is ill physically comfortable. It is what happens when the patient, family, and medical team agree that the possibility of a cure is less than remote. It is when the goal is about comfort and quality of life.

The air mattress you describe is also something I'm familiar with. Although the one my mother had was noisy, it was much more comfortable. And the chair that you are awaiting. My Mom had one of those too. We wheeled her outside and sat in the gardens of the hospice center. It was a wonderful gift to be able to feel the breeze on her face and look at the trees, flowers, grass, birds, etc. Everytime we took her out a cat, rooster, or rabit would pay her a visit.

Ter, this time with my mom was as important to me as it was for her. It was her time to be mostly free from pain and slowly make the mental shift toward letting go and the spritual shift to the next realm.

For me, it was the beginning of my coming to grips with the inevitable--the death of her body. It was a time to say EVERYTHING I wanted her to know before she left this realm. It was a time for me and her to bond more than we ever had before. It was also a time when I needed to lean on others--immensely.

I tell you this, not because I want to cause you more pain than you are already in, but because I don't want to dance around what appears to be the inevitable. Because you have lost your wonderful Baby Bear, I know you understand how important this process is.

Bear's journey, here on earth, is nearing completion. How this "goes down" is as important to you as it is for him. I hope my experience can help you both. Still, I want you to know that I realize you are losing your husband/life-partner--not your mother.

And although we all know that one day we may have to deal with such, it does seem far to soon for this! I shake my head when I think about what you and B have endured. I struggle with my anger about this entire ordeal. I honestly do not care to imagine experiencing what you are currently going through.

Yet, I have faith that you WILL survive this (although you may not want to). I know your capable of living on without your Bs. And I know you will! What is important, now, though is to focus on living WITH B at this very important phase of his/your journey.....(Heavy, Heavy, Heavy Sigh).

Mom 4 Life said...

Prayers coming from Northern Idaho.

With love, Heather

Stargirl said...

Prayers from Salt Lake, UT.