Brother

My brother has been in town the last week or so. He was able to help me get some things done around here, make a few phone calls for me, and drive me to the hospital or wherever I needed to go to give me a break from driving. He took care of the pup so I could have a sleepover with Bear and get this, he even got me a laptop so I can take it to the hospital and hopefully I can use it there to show Bear photos, email from family and friends, and even show him this blog which up til now he has only heard of but not seen.

My brother probably feels a little under appreciated so here I am announcing on Bloggyville and to all to all of you Internets that I really do appreciate my brother!

Thank you for everything and most of all, thank you for taking the time from your own schedule to be here for me. The only thing I refuse to thank you for is the lovely cold! *cough* *cough*

Catching Up

I have been a bit MIA lately. My cousin came to stay with me for two days. It was really nice to see her as it had been over a year since she was here last. She helped me a bit around the house, but most of all just having her here motivated me to get things done myself. Thank you so much, Cuz.

As you saw in the photos I posted, my cousin and I took the furrybear to the hospital to see her daddy. It went really well. I was worried about how she would react in a strange environment, but she did so good! When she first went in the room, she was very leery of her surroundings and cautiously walked up to Bear. After a few minutes and coming to the conclusion that he was not a figment of her imagination, she began to wag her tail and get excited to see her Daddy.

The nurses loved her and in fact we were asked if we can bring her into see another patient, and so we did. She did very well with the other patient too. So well, in fact, that I am seriously considering to look into what it takes to become a Therapy Dog.

Bear was so happy to see his pup. He was upset at first because he thought she forgot him, but she was just protecting her heart.

I hope to take her again this week.

On Friday, I saw Bear in his chair for the first time since he was admitted into the hospital. The lift that lifts him off the bed and into the chair was pretty neat to see, but also heartbreaking to see him so vulnerable. I walked him up and down the hall a few times. He is not quite ready to leave the ward yet but maybe a few more times in the chair he will be able to sit in it longer.

He tells me that for Hallowe'en, Santa showed up and gave all the patients a treat.

Yesterday, my mom and uncle showed up and my mom decided to spend the night at my house. By the time we got back to my place from the hospital it was pretty late so we just ate and watched a little tv. I started falling asleep on the couch at a very early time due to lack of sleep the night before.

Today, I managed to go back to the gym since my mom was here to keep the furrybear company. I really need my gym visits to get my energy level back up, especially with the overload of Hallowe'en candy.

When I arrived at the hospital today, I thought I went into the wrong room. Bear had his beard shaved off. He never had a beard before he ended up in the hospital in August. With radiation they recommend no shaving during that period of time, and by the time the effects of radiation would wear off, he was back in the hospital where he's been since. But today the lack of beard showed how much weight he's lost in his face. I was shocked! Of course, I hadn't thought to take my camera today, so I will have to take it tomorrow.

Bear has been feeling up and down the last few days. He has an airbed now which he likes much better than the other one. The throat infection (Thrush - thanks Dana for the correct term) is clearing up and he is finally able to eat a little better again.

Since arriving in the palliative care unit, he has had a few showers. However, today they put him in the tub, which he says was much better than the shower in his current condition.

I am glad they are keeping him as comfortable as possible and allowing him some normal-like activities. I know how much he'd rather be at home. I would rather him be at home too.

Information Overload

Today, I got a little bit too much information to process. I don't think anything has resolved itself but maybe once I have a chance to sort through it all in my head it will start falling into place.

First off, the lawyer we contacted says he will be able to help us but not for a few more weeks. So, I said well I don't know if we have a few more weeks, so I said to be on the safe side I guess I will have to look for another option.

Secondly, WHEW - the medical oncologist office phoned to tell me they found the compassionate care forms I had taken in for them to fill out. A load off my mind.... but wait! Things are going to change in a bit so this might not have even been necessary at this point.

I get to the hospital, and the palliative care guy is there and he tells us that the palliative care facility is pretty much at it's maximum capacity. So, what are our other options? A Nursing Home, Hospice, or bringing Bear home.

Now, ideally, I would love for Bear to be home, but as I mentioned in yesterday's post, how is it possible to have him home with all the medical issues he is having and all the equipment that would need to be crammed into our teeny tiny house?

So, we are looking into hospice. It probably isn't as comfortable as palliative care but it is more comfortable than the hospital, I think. This does not mean that he will never get into palliative care, it is just to get him out of the hospital. Kind of a transition place.

The PC guy is contacting the hospice folks and hopefully something will be arranged very shortly.

After he left, the social worker came in to talk to us. She gave me some good advice in regards to compassion care and I am going to heed her advice. She tells me that because compassion care is only 6 weeks in length, she suggests that I get a "sick note" from my doctor in regards to stress leave. I can get up to I think 15 weeks of stress leave (sick leave) and then I can follow that with 6 weeks of compassion leave or whatever might work at that point in time. In truth, with my high blood pressure and high stress level, I really don't need to have the additional stress of having to go to work every day during this time.

The social worker also gave me a number of a lawyer that she knows that will be more likely to be able to help us on a short notice. I will call him tomorrow.

So as you can see, I have a lot of information to process through and it is overwhelming!

As for Bear, last night he had a better night. He calls it a so-so night. So today he was doing better than yesterday but not as great as a few days ago. He is still quite sore and now he is unable to expel his bladder. They are manually expelling it.

Before I could get there, he had a chance to sit in his chair for an hour. Somehow I keep missing him in his chair!

Today his brother and sister in law arrived from Ontario. I think it will be good for him to spend some time with his brother. His mom is coming back on the weekend.

I would also like to put a shout out to my dear friends A & A, who have been tremendous towards me (us) the last few weeks (years!). I love you guys!! Seriously, these guys deserve some kinda award!

A Better Day

Bear was having a better day today. He is finding the new air bed much more comfortable and easier on his back. He had some company today (His Mom, Gramma and Uncle) and he finally got the chair. He had a chance to go outside before I got there, so I know he was happy about that.

Just before I left today, they put up some bars around his bed that will give him the ability to adjust himself a little better, and perhaps to strengthen the use of his arms again. The hospital's dietitian came by and asked him about the menu and he complained a bit about it which resulted in some changes on his menu. He was happy to get some gravy for his potato at supper!

Palliative Care came by earlier in the day and talked briefly to him. Someone will be coming to see us tomorrow for a sort of 'interview'. I think they may do a home assessment to see whether our house would be at all possible to set up for him to come home. I don't see it happening because we live in a two story townhouse which is on the smallish side. But if it's possible, then that would be great!

Bear's mom tells us his brother and sister-in-law are making their way out here later this week. I think it's important that he sees his family as much as possible. It took a while for them to come to realization that this is serious and that if they want to see him, the time is now. Miracles may still happen but if they don't, there's no need for regrets.

My cousin S sent us this card. Thank you so much.

I can't tell you how much it means to me to know people are thinking of us. I realize that some of you live far away and can not be physically here for us, but your well-wishes mean a whole lot more than you'll ever know.

Another Day

Today, Bear had some visitors which was nice for him. My dad, stepmom and my littlest brother (who suddenly towers over me) came and Bear's sister came back with her husband and all of the kids. The other day it was just their youngest but today all the kids were out of school. I took pictures of Bear with the kids but I think I should ask permission before I post them.

Bear had alot of discomfort today. He was glad that his visitors came while the morphine was working, but before they came he was in a lot of pain and feeling like giving up. It is so hard for me to see him in so much pain. It is hard for me to be the strong one.

While he was eating his supper, we noticed how much muscle loss he has had in his hands. I took a photo for you to see.



It is very difficult for me to watch my husband deteriorate before my very own eyes. You have to understand, he has always been the strong one, the one who cared for me when I was ill and after the death of our little girl. I am supposed to be returning the favor but I fear I am failing to do so.

I am also beginning to feel the stress of going to the hospital every day. It takes me about half an hour to drive there each day and half an hour to drive back. Gas is not cheep these days, and it also costs me between $10-15 dollars each day to park my car. I either have to bring my own food or I will have to buy food from their cafeteria. Today I bought myself a wrap for lunch and it cost nearly $6. A bottle of pop is $2 so I try to bring a drink from home.

I fear that as it begins to get darker earlier and earlier, my visits with my husband will become shorter and shorter. I do not like driving in the dark, especially with my tendency to fall asleep at the wheel. It being dark only enhances the possibility of this happening.

Both of us are feeling depression and I think we are both near the completely give up stage. We are both exhausted and feeling like we've been picked on one time too many.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Meeting For The First Time

One of Bear's wishes came true today. He finally got to meet his youngest nephew, who is 2.5 yrs old. Circumstances, distance and most likely, my own grief and their worry of my reaction to a child who is supposed to be close in age to my daughter are the reasons we have not met this child yet.

But I am glad we finally got to meet him. Why did it have to be under these circumstances? I don't know and I won't dwell on it.

I just hope they know that I love their kids like I do my own daughter, and that they shouldn't be strangers.