Thursday, November 26, 2009

Survivor

Last year, the American Thanksgiving was on November 27th.

I was watching Survivor just as I am this very moment. Except, I wasn't really watching it. I had pulled the chair next to his bed and I held his hand. Every so often he would make a gasp and I would get worried.

Sometime, maybe half way through Survivor, I felt a chill go through the air, and I felt like something hit me in the chest.

I literally jumped out of my chair and began the biggest freak-out of my lifetime.

I can not relive it right now because it hurts too much. But you can read about the freak out HERE. It is because of this that my husband left me, I am certain. No one will ever convince me otherwise. My daughter died when I had a freak out and my husband died when I had a freak out. That can not be a coincidence.

And so, today is the American Thanksgiving and the only thing I'm grateful for at the moment is that I am Canadian and I already dealt with Thanksgiving this year.

Tomorrow will be 1 year since the day he died at 8:40 pm.

Sunday will be his birthday. He should be turning 39 this year.

He always joked to me that he wouldn't live to see 40.

Deep down, he must've known it to be true.

I always joked that he often acted like an old man.

How ironic that he was already past middle aged when we met on my 18th birthday, which was just a few days after his 23rd.

I've been trying to keep myself busy with organizing my house this week. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I had the thought this afternoon as I threw some old bank statements into the pile for shredding that pretty soon there'll be nothing to show he was real.

Pretty soon his existence will completely vanish.

There'll be no child to continue his branch the family tree, for the only child he had died too. My branch has stopped with me too.

I can't believe it's been a year.

*tears*

Why couldn't he have been a Survivor.... and not the kind on tv...?

16 comments:

Brian Miller said...

my heart goes out to you today...

Tracey said...

Sending you love and support across the miles.....

MemeGRL said...

Thinking of you today. Reminding you that the freakouts didn't cause the deaths but were caused by them...I honestly think that you had a 6th sense about what was happening both times and trying to do what you could to keep your loved ones with you.
Resurface when you feel like it. I know I'm a mess around anniversaries. I can't believe you were even up for posting. Good for you.

Emalee said...

Thinking of you today. I hope it passes by gently....Many hugs to you.

Why Do We Even Have That Lever? said...

Love you Ter. HUGS.

Niecey said...

I cried my eyes out reading this. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven happened to be playing on pandora at the time too.

I will light a candle today and be thinking of you and your Bear.

I agree with MemeGRL, your freakouts didn't cause the deaths. I believe you intuitively knew Heaven was about to embrace them and you wanted to be able to stop it. You didn't cause that. People have freak outs. It just happens. It doesn't have the power to cause death. Please don't place that burden on yourself. I think deep down you just knew. And he knew how deeply you loved him, because he saw how you couldn't stand the thought of him leaving you. He knew up to the last moment that you loved him so much.

I'll pray for you today.

Yaya said...

Oh Ter, It's just not fair. :( :(

lisaschaos said...

I have been thinking about you lots. I hope you are finding ways to get through this tough weekend.

Joc(e) said...

I'm so deeply sorry, Ter. But he will never be forgotten...he has you to keep his memory alive and you do such a wonderful job. I'm sure he's very proud of you. (((BIG HUGS))) and lots of love...

Jeanne said...

Ter,

I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you at this difficult time. I'm so, so sorry for your losses.

I honestly do not believe that your "freak-outs" caused anything to happen that wasn't going to happen anyway. It is not uncommon for survivors to self-blame in some way but it's important for you to know that freaking-out in those circumstances was not an atypical reaction.

I am sending positive energy your way!! May you find peace and comfort as you work through the difficult emotions you are now dealing with.

You are very strong. I believe you will find your peace. Grieving takes time. You've been through an enormous amount. Be gentle with yourself.

Peace,

Jeanne

“Each one has to find his (*or her) peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.”

~~ Mahatma Gandhi
(*modified to say her)

forwardtumble said...

big hug to you, Ter

xx Ines

Karen said...

Thinking of you, Ter. I'm so sorry you lost your daughter and your husband. I'm sure your freaking out didn't cause their deaths but rather you freaked out because you sensed - with the intuition of a mother and a life partner - they were leaving this world. I'm glad you shared this feeling rather than keeping it inside, but please don't blame yourself. Sending you love and hoping you have some moments of peace as you remember your Bear and baby Bear on this anniversary.

Shea said...

Thinking of you Ter. I agree with others, the freakout did not cause their deaths but was you sensing their deaths. I believe that at least.

Jenners said...

I'm sure this is such a charged and terrible time for you. You are a survivor though (although I know you don't want to be). My mom is experiencing a lot of the same things this year ... she told me the other day that she feels like she is slowly erasing my dad with each account she closes or cancels or clothing she gives away and so forth. Wishing you peace.

Jodi said...

Ter, none of this is your fault. Please know that.

My heart goes out to you. (((hugs)))

Caitlin said...

I'm thinking of you these weeks and keeping you in my prayers..even if I'm not online much right now.

(hug!)