So lately, I have been getting this feeling that people feel like I'm making up the rules of grief.
They say things like "well you shouldn't be upset"
"you can't say things like that"
"I wish I could help you.... but I can't because...."
Last week I put out a quick invite to anyone who wants to come over for cake next week on what would be my husband's 39th birthday.
I quickly got "no I can't" replies from a few people. They all had excuses. A couple said "well maybe you can plan it another day." I have no say in the day my husband was born or the day he died. Just the same as I did not plan my daughter's death nor birth dates. I quickly removed and cancelled the invite.
I am so sorry that it inconvenienced you all.
That you'd rather go shopping for sales than have some cake with me.
I'm sorry that I'm so fucking depressing to be around.
Maybe I wouldn't be if I didn't feel so alone all the fucking time.
Maybe I wouldn't be if I felt like I mattered and that there was a reason to stay alive in this hell on earth.
But don't you dare blame me.
I didn't make up the rules of grief.