Sunday, November 15, 2009

awaiting crashburn

okay i have been trying really hard to get stuff done around my house because I know there will be a crashburn very soon. Emotionally, that is. With Bear's Angel day (Nov. 27) and his birthday (Nov. 29) and my birthday (Dec. 4), his funeral anniversary (Dec. 5) and Christmas coming up I don't know how much I can take emotionally.

I have just hesitantly sent out an invite on Facebook to a few local family/friends to join me for cake on his birthday. I hesitate because I have already experienced the fact that people do not like to celebrate the birthdays and angel days of those who have gone on to heaven without us. When my daughter died in 2005, we had a little memorial service for her. We did not have a funeral because we were worried no one would come. Well people did come to her memorial (it was just in our back yard and we did not have a minister or anything join us because, as mentioned, we really did not think anyone was going to come. It was also about 2 months after she died too because it took us that long to decide we needed to do it for ourselves. (I should also point out that most of the people who came to this no memorial no longer speak to me)

Then in 2006 we had a little birthday party for her. but we reminded people that it was also our wedding anniversary so if they couldn't think of it as her birthday then they should think of it as our anniversary and come anyway. We had a few people come to that, and again in 2007. But in 2008, not a single person came. Everyone had excuses. Some of them were valid but most of them were not. That was our last anniversary together, our last chance to have a family gathering because just a few weeks later we found out Bear's cancer was back.

I don't think I will ever forgive my family and his for not showing up for that.

In 2009, obviously, it was just me and my dog. I did NOT invite anyone. But thankfully 3 of my friends decided to come over. One of them I only reunited with on Facebook after my husband was sick or maybe it was after he had already died, I can't remember. It wasn't much before he died if it was before, the other one I had only recently met, and another was a friend who's been there before.) But still, I hesitate to invite people because my experience in life is that no one shows up when I invite people. This is why I don't even invite people for coffee. I just leave it open "come whenever".

But I know, I know I can not do this alone. So I am trying again. Setting myself up for disappointment again.

I will make a cake, as I do for my daughter's birthday. I don't know how I will decorate it though. For hers I always did a bear theme. For her last one I made a Bear and a Babybear. I guess I will do the same this time. Last time I messed it up a bit though. I would like to take some cake decorating lessons someday, but not sure where to go. Will have to investigate.

I should point out that the invite situation happened long before I lost my daughter too. I had a few birthday parties that no one showed up to or other occasions, New Year's, or "just because". Sometimes I wonder if my friends are really my friends or if they hang out with me when they are bored and there's no one else to hang out with. Sometimes, I wonder if people really like me. I know most people don't. I don't blame them. I don't much like myself either.


Momma bear said...

oh Hun I know how you feel, I often feel like that too,(see my last blog post) do they really like me or are the just "nice" to me because they have too!!!! I relly like you, we will have to make a bigger effort to get together!!!

Caitlin said...

I will be thinking of you as you approach your "crash burn" time. I hope that people come this time to honor Bear!