Thursday, October 1, 2009

Angry Stage

I am approaching the angry stage of grief.

I'm mad because you left me.

I'm mad because you're not here.

I'm mad because you were sick and didn't deserve it.

I'm mad because you couldn't walk for 2 months.

I'm mad because you had to die in a hospital and not at home.

I'm mad because you couldn't see Emma except that one time.

I'm mad that we wasted so much time waiting for things and now I'm trying not to wait anymore but circumstances are making me wait.

I'm mad because you were so sad.

I'm mad because I couldn't hug you for the last month of your life because it hurt.

I'm mad because you couldn't hug me either.

I'm mad that I couldn't even sit next to you on the bed because you needed a special air mattress.

I'm mad that you were too fearful to leave the 8th floor of the hospital.

I'm mad that not very many people came to visit you and that when they did most of them did not stay very long.

I'm mad that you died thinking no one cared, when more people than I could ever count cared about you.

I'm mad that you suffered for my sins.

I'm mad that I have no one here to talk to anymore.

I'm mad that I have to sleep alone except for emma which is great but not the same.

I'm mad that it takes longer to warm up in bed because I don't have your body heat there to warm me.

I'm mad that summer went by so fast and it was mostly a miserably wet summer and now it's barely fall and freezing.

I'm mad that I have to go to the Walk to Remember without you.

I'm mad that I even have a reason to go to the Walk to Remember.

I'm mad that I live in a dinky house.

I'm mad that we never finished the renovations we started.

I'm mad that I don't have a 4 year old.

I'm mad that people kill babies and mine just died.

I'm mad because I live in a 3 bedroom house and there's no one else.

I'm mad that my breaks are squeaking in the car which means I'll probably have to take them in to be fixed.

I'm mad that it cost $495 for a DVR so I can't tape more shows. The VCR works but I can only tape one show at a time with it. I'm mad because I watch too much tv but what else can I do?

I'm mad because life sucks.

I'm mad because I can't get my house cleaned.

I'm mad because I am in pain all the time but my pain is just chronic, not life threatening.

I'm mad that I'm not any closer to seeing you again.

I'm mad that everyone else has at least some happy moments.

I'm mad that we didn't TTC again, even though I know that baby probably would've died too.

I'm mad because it's been over a year since *that*.

I'm mad because everything takes longer than it should.

I'm mad because things are not done.

I'm mad because I'm 33 years old and all alone. And I thought it sucked being 25 and alone.

I'm mad because I'm deaf.

I'm mad because I have such a difficult time getting jobs that I can't bring myself to look for one now.

I'm mad because I hate working and I have to.

I'm mad because money is draining from my bank account.

I'm mad that everything costs so much just to live comfortably.

I'm mad because I don't have enough time to write down all the things I'm mad about.

I'm just MAD.

1 comment: