yard work

Earlier this evening, my brother and sister-in-law came over. They helped me get some yard work done. I can't express how much it means to me to have that help. I think my brother mowed the lawn 3 times in a row. Seriously, it hasn't been that short all summer even after I mowed it.

I have been feeling guilty for letting my house and yard fall apart around me. I may not be the tidiest of people, but I also dislike messes. I know, hard to believe, if you know me.

But I also noticed something... I noticed that, knowing that my brother and sister-in-law were coming over, I suddenly had the motivation and maybe a little more energy to get some work done around my house. I also noticed that while outside in the yard, I actually did a little of the work and was able to ignore the pain in my hip. Perhaps all it takes is a little company. I rarely invite people over "outright" right now due to my CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) (a phrase coined by the Fly Lady - who I may have to get back to following again - but first I need to start from scratch)

I do have pain, I am not stretching the truth when I complain about my pain. However, oftentimes recently it becomes my excuse. It often hinders me, not solely because of the pain, but because of the thought process that goes along with it.

"I'm glad to be getting this done"
"ow, damnit, my hip hurts"
"gosh why does this hurt so much?"
"it never used to hurt like this"
"why do I have to do this all by myself?"
"if you didn't leave me, I wouldn't have to do everything myself"
"how could you leave me?"
"f*** this, I'm going inside"
"woe is me"

then it doesn't get done.

The other thing that happens sometimes is I'll be working away and trying my best to ignore it but decide to take a break, but can not get back into it again after said break.

It doesn't help that it rained and/or was too wet from the rain for 90 percent of August. My grass grew wickedly fast this summer and so did the weeds. Perhaps my husband mowed the lawn more often than I realized, but the rain didn't help anything.

I know that doesn't even account for the mess inside. Though very similar thought process happens inside too. My pain follows me wherever I go, but I used to work through the pain. I don't know why I can't do that now.

I am just overwhelmed by it all. I try to make a schedule for myself, but I suck at keeping schedules, especially ones I make for myself. Especially if there's no accountability. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, and since I can't do it all... I tend to do nothing....

I do have another doctor's appointment this week coming up, so hopefully something will come of it, but I don't hold out alot of hope for anything medical related.

If nothing comes from my doctor's appointment, I'm considering to get a professional massage.

But for the moment, I think I'm going to go get some sleep. I'm supertired now, considering it's not all that late. However, I did somehow manage to get up early the last 2 days.