Monday, July 13, 2009


I have been so tired lately. All I do is sleep or laze around ever since I was sick over a week ago now. I have not been able to get my energy level back and I feel almost like I could be getting sick again, or more likely, I never completely got over the cold I had.

It doesn't help that it's July, my worst month of the year, (though quite frankly the rest of the year sucks too).

It doesn't help that I'm keep hearing about other people doing fun summer things with their kids and spouses. It doesn't help at all.

Today, I noticed a flower in my garden. One of the ones that we got babybear for her birthday last year. I'm glad it came back. The yellow ones we got her the first year are back too. There are other plants in the garden, some I might be weeds but I can't tell. We bought some new plants last year and a neighbor gave us some plants too, so I can't remember what all is there now. I just let everything grow.

The plants out in the front garden are not coming back? I don't know. They look like weeds when they first start to grow so I just left everything but it looks like it really IS weeds, which may have prevented the yellow flowers from growing out front. One of the purple flowers base is up and same with the daisies. The Iris grew and we had 3 blooms but they didn't last very long.

The clematis I bought last year practically dead at the end of the season is growing and looks like a couple buds on it now. I 'ts not as tall as they claimed but maybe it grows more than that in a second / third year I don't know.

But I've been neglecting to water the gardens. My hip hurts all the time now and I don't know why. I actually weeded one small section this morning but have lots more to do. I wish I didn't have to do it all myself. My husband did most of the weeding while I did most of the planting/planning of the gardens. He was more the maintenance guy when it came to outdoor stuff.

Inside my house looks like a tornado ran through it. I'm not really a messy person, but I keep moving things around and then not knowing what to do with them , I just put them down. I have not put the recycling boxes back in the pantry when they are empty since Bear died, and so they are always sitting in the middle of the floor if I even think to bring them inside.

who is this person that I am? I don't recognize myself. I cry all the fucking time. I'm crying right now, damnit and I'm tired.

I can't get anything done here. I got a new tv. It was kind of a spur of the moment splurge. It was on sale, for a one day only, website only sale. Technically I saved over 700 dollars. Anyway, but I was so afraid of breaking it that my living room has been switched around so that the tv is next to the wall, but I do not like the living room this way. I want it back the other way but I can't do that til I get the dividing wall installed.

I don't know, I know I should look for another job before I run out of money. I don't think I can handle working full time and taking care of this house and my dog all by myself. so what do i do.

I don't know. no one can help me anymore.


Jen Sue Wild said...

Do you have any job exsperance that you can do working at home?
Like typing up transrepts for Dr. office?

Why Do We Even Have That Lever? said...

You take everything in small steps hon. that's what you do.

My suggestion is to get some boxes. I have a bunch if you want, and I can get French Fry boxes from work. I know that seems odd, but we got a lot of donated boxes from Fast food companies to move stuff to the Annex. ha ha!

Once you have the boxes, lable them for things you need to do.

Make a box for stuff you need to file. You don't actually have to do it. But, put it all in the box. File it when you feel like it (ha! who ever feels like it!) Take a black marker and on the side, write what's in there. Bills, letters, credit card statements. Date it with the range of dates it contains. One day you'll feel like filing it, but at least it will be all in one place.

Make a couple of specific boxes like that. Put those boxes out of the way, upstairs. That will clean up lots of space and let you breathe.

Next, find a part time job. I know that's never worked out for you in the past. :-P You always end up working full time hours in your part time job, but look for a part time job. Work 2 days a week. That will bring in some income. I know it's not a lot, but it will get you started.

Lastly, stop expecting so much of yourself. Yes, as people we are perfectly capable of doing it all on our own. But, you grew into a person who had a life partner who helped you do stuff. When my husband isn't around the kids and I eat cold cereal for dinner because it's hard to cook and clean up and what not. If he wasn't going to be around anymore, I'd change my routines. But I can tell you that would be a long time coming.

In the end, you'll have to develop some new routines. Or go back to some really old ones. But don't expect that you'll change overnight. It's been less than a year Ter. It will come.

For now, don't let it bother you too much. Get some boxes, put some crap in them, then hide them in your ottoman and breath a little easier.

If it comes down to it, in August I'll get Art to build your wall. It won't take long. I'll see what we can do. Besides, if I get Art to do that, you and I can use the nail gun and put the baseboards on. the Nail Gun is fun!!!!

Lemme know if you want Fry boxes.

Anonymous said...

Don't get down on yourself for crying. There is no right way to grieve. You are making it day by day and that's all you can do.