I have been so tired lately. All I do is sleep or laze around ever since I was sick over a week ago now. I have not been able to get my energy level back and I feel almost like I could be getting sick again, or more likely, I never completely got over the cold I had.
It doesn't help that it's July, my worst month of the year, (though quite frankly the rest of the year sucks too).
It doesn't help that I'm keep hearing about other people doing fun summer things with their kids and spouses. It doesn't help at all.
Today, I noticed a flower in my garden. One of the ones that we got babybear for her birthday last year. I'm glad it came back. The yellow ones we got her the first year are back too. There are other plants in the garden, some I might be weeds but I can't tell. We bought some new plants last year and a neighbor gave us some plants too, so I can't remember what all is there now. I just let everything grow.
The plants out in the front garden are not coming back? I don't know. They look like weeds when they first start to grow so I just left everything but it looks like it really IS weeds, which may have prevented the yellow flowers from growing out front. One of the purple flowers base is up and same with the daisies. The Iris grew and we had 3 blooms but they didn't last very long.
The clematis I bought last year practically dead at the end of the season is growing and looks like a couple buds on it now. I 'ts not as tall as they claimed but maybe it grows more than that in a second / third year I don't know.
But I've been neglecting to water the gardens. My hip hurts all the time now and I don't know why. I actually weeded one small section this morning but have lots more to do. I wish I didn't have to do it all myself. My husband did most of the weeding while I did most of the planting/planning of the gardens. He was more the maintenance guy when it came to outdoor stuff.
Inside my house looks like a tornado ran through it. I'm not really a messy person, but I keep moving things around and then not knowing what to do with them , I just put them down. I have not put the recycling boxes back in the pantry when they are empty since Bear died, and so they are always sitting in the middle of the floor if I even think to bring them inside.
who is this person that I am? I don't recognize myself. I cry all the fucking time. I'm crying right now, damnit and I'm tired.
I can't get anything done here. I got a new tv. It was kind of a spur of the moment splurge. It was on sale, for a one day only, website only sale. Technically I saved over 700 dollars. Anyway, but I was so afraid of breaking it that my living room has been switched around so that the tv is next to the wall, but I do not like the living room this way. I want it back the other way but I can't do that til I get the dividing wall installed.
I don't know, I know I should look for another job before I run out of money. I don't think I can handle working full time and taking care of this house and my dog all by myself. so what do i do.
I don't know. no one can help me anymore.