Tuesday, June 2, 2009

No End Date

So, Alli posted about a website where you can search for yourself. I did a search using our last name. I found our phone number, address. My facebook did not show up but I think that's because I use my maiden name in addition to my married name.

But the thing that made me sad was coming across the publications in which your name is on the author list. Sometimes I forget about these publications. I have them upstairs still in the box from when we moved into this house. I know they are boring (and now well-outdated) education manuals but I will keep them forever, simply because they are a part of your life. I failed to mention this part of your life in your obituary, probably because it was before I met you or shortly thereafter our meeting but before we became friends.

But the thing that was most noticeable was that next to your name in the library database (where the link on the website led to) was that you did not have an end date. It still said 1970-

It gave me a sense of momentary hope... hope that all of this is a mistake and that you really are still here, I just lost you somewhere. Maybe you're still at the hospital and wondering why the hell I've not come to visit.

But, obviously, having been in the library field for several years myself, I know that they are not always going to be up-to-date on author's information, certainly when the author is not well known.

Honestly, I don't think you even wrote much in these publications, just gathered all the stats for this book. I wish I could ask you again. I feel like I'm forgetting things about you. Mundane things that are not apart of our every day life. I feel like there's so much more I have to say to you. There's so much more I have to learn about you.

There just wasn't enough time.


Niecey said...

I've just recently discovered your blogs and your whole story is so tragic. I love how raw and honest you are here. I lost a daughter, and can relate to much of what you say. But I cannot imagine losing my husband too. I am gaining such perspective from reading your blog and I thank you for your beautiful writing and sharing your grief journey with us all.
I prayed for you last night and will continue to do so.

roy/elisabeth dean said...

Hi Ter...
I still think about you often. I don't always comment, but I check on you daily~
You'll have all of your answers one day....

Momma Mango said...

I wish you'd had more time, too. :( Still praying for you.