Tuesday, February 3, 2009

What An Emotional Day... But I Survived!

Today was the funeral for my friend's mom. The funeral was held at the same location that Bear's funeral was. I was okay with that. In fact, I even suggested to them they should go there. I felt even better about the funeral home because the staff members recognized me and said hello and asked me how I was doing. They seemed to genuinely care, and that makes me feel much better about them. I certainly would recommend this place to other people, though Lord knows I don't want to have to!

Anyhow, I did alright. I felt tears in my eyes, but I did not break down into an emotional mess and I was able to "enjoy" the funeral, as much as one can enjoy a funeral. The speeches were nice, and just beautiful. I am glad I went, and I hope my friends know that I am here for them. I will help them through this new normal they are experiencing as much as I can.

Today's funeral once again pointed out just how quickly life can change. This woman was only 61 years old, and her death was sudden and unexpected. Her children and grandchildren's lives have changed in a split second.

I am feeling the need to learn more about religion and to find myself a place in this world. I need to learn it in "plain English." I have in past attempted to read a bible, but I do not understand it. I need it to be interpreted in a way for me to relate to it. To understand the concepts.

I have been "Bear's wife" for over 5 years and I am not sure who I am anymore. I am "Mommy" but I am not mothering a child. Who am I? I certainly am not the person I was before. I am older, more wiser, and I am much more familiar with the laws of life. I am even in the process of looking for a new job. I have been in between careers for a few years now, working odd crap jobs simply because I had to work. So, I am unfamiliar with who I am in every aspect of the word.

I don't know how long I will be left here on Earth... and I do not want to spend the entire time being miserable.

I still have some more work to do with my husband's state of affairs, and hopefully things will start to work themselves out soon. I can hardly believe how much work goes into "ending". It really doesn't matter how prepared you are!


Sarah said...

you are so awesome t! your words just hit home tonite for me. not sure why but i have read them numerous times and am just touched. (hard to explain).
i am glad the funeral went well and you did just fine there. and it's great the staff asked how you were doing. that is great!
figuring out who you are is hard but i know you can do it and if there is anything i can do to help, let me know!

Jo said...

I am glad that the day was not as bad as you had expected. It's nice that the staff remembered you and showed their care and concern.

I completely understand your feelings about finding who you are and where you fit in. And about finding your place with God.

I was there about 12 years ago. It has taken a long time to get where I am with God... the other stuff wasn't as difficult somehow.

I can't read the bible either... I even have a daily devotional bible that is easier to read... but still, it's confusing to me. I can't keep track of the people and places. When we found our current church, the pastor was wonderful. He totally puts the bible in the "here and now"... he is leaving now and I pray that our next pastor will be able to put it in "plain English" that way too :)

I hope that you are able to sort this all out... I know you will... and know that I am here if you want to talk about any of it :)

Joc(e) said...

Very wise words, Ter. You have come such a long way. We are all behind you 110%! (((BIG HUGS)))

Sue Feenstra said...

I've been reading your blog since I found it from Bring the Rain. I'm so sorry for your loss of your little Bear and Big bear. I can't imagine losing two huge loves of your life.

I did feel the need to comment on religion in your life. It will be your biggest comfort in life...to know that you are not alone, but,if you choose to accept Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you will belong body and soul to him.

The Bible can be confusing and hard to read. Get a translation that is easy to read. Try the Message and read through Proverbs. There are 31 chapters in Proverbs-read the one that matches the date...every day. (Example, today is Feb 4, read Proverbs 4) You can read different translations on-line at Biblegateway.com.

A great resource might be proverbs31.org that provides daily devotions that will help keep you in God's word.

Start reading, have an open heart and keep your eyes open to who and what God puts in your path.

I'm positive you'll find peace and comfort in Him.

momtimes4 said...

I see hope and determination in your blog today - I wish you didn't have to figure out and redefine who you are, but I am glad that since you do have to, you are going to CHOOSE who are to be, instead of letting your grief dictate it.


Anonymous said...

I hope that you will come to find your place in the world. If you ever need anything, don't hestitate to ask!

Momma Mango said...

I have to ditto what Sue said about reading a simple translation of the Bible. The Message is a good one because it is very easy to read (basically a good "paraphrasing" of the scriptures.) Its a good place to start.
To be honest (and I've heard others say this, too, so I'm not alone here!) I started reading my son's children's Bible when I got it for him because it was SO easy to read and got me quickly acquainted with the stories and lessons in the Bible. That was huge for me. (I read The Children's Storybook Bible, which was recommended by Angie from Bring the Rain. I absolutely LOVE IT.)
Also, there is no right or wrong way to read the Bible, so dig in wherever, and if you have questions, please don't be afraid to ask someone, or even post on your blog, whatever you are comfortable with. :)

roy/elisabeth dean said...

Just stopping by to say hello. I like your post on Tuesday (I know, I'm reading it late). I know that this was such a difficult thing for you to do, but I'm so proud of you for being there for your friend! I know she appreciates it too. Maybe helping her with her grief will help you with yours...
I will continue to pray for you~ you really are an amazing woman!
♥ Lilly