Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Reason For Guilt

People who have read my last post ask me why I feel guilty. Here's why...

I have the tendency to just open my mouth and speak at free will. I am not shy when I am upset about something. It does not even bother me if I'm acting like a raving lunatic. This has always embarrassed my husband and whenever I would "cause a scene" he would get up and leave the room, even if he agreed with me.

That day, I embarrassed him and he left the room the only way he knew how.

It is my fault that he died when he did..... and I will never forgive myself.


The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

Oh Ter,
I don't think it was your fault at all..
I think that the nurses knew his time was coming soon and you were just trying to protect your Bear from it..
I would have done the same thing.

Anonymous said...


It is not your fault. No one knows the time, the day, the hour of their death. You cannot blame yourself for this, Bear loves you and I know that he would have given anything to be with you longer, but he didn’t have that choice.

You cannot blame yourself.

DarciMCB said...

Oh Terri...I hope oneday you can look back on this and find the peace you need to know and understand that you did not have any control over this...not the why...not the how...and certainly not the when. (Hugs).

liz said...

Like I said before. There is absolutely no reason to feel like that. Bryan was dying and you were trying to do whatever you could to hold on to him. He knows that. He wasn't leaving you because he wanted to get away. He was dying and, some how, your subconscious knew that, so you freaked. If anything, you should feel proud that you were so in touch with him. All you wanted to do is take him home to keep him with you. He knows that, I think he was fighting to stay with you too. I know you will probably never let go of these feelings, because I feel similar about some stuff that happened at Janell's birth. But I do believe that Bryan understands. I don't think you need to feel they way you do.

Laurie in Ca. said...


I agree with all of the comments above and want to add what's on my heart to you. No matter what "scenes" had occured before that day, cannot be undone. That day I believe that God let you know in your heart that it was Johns time to go home. You paid attention, you trusted your heart and stayed, and you were there. He did not leave this world alone, he had you there, the you that he knows well. You fought for him, I would have done the same. You and John were connected heart to heart in death, as you were in life. I don't think he would want you to feel responsible for something God was in control of. Praying for your broken heart.

A Bear and His Honey said...

his name wasn't john.

mlpinky said...

I am sure that Brian knew that you were terribly upset and frightened of the thought of him leaving. I am sure that he did not intent to die and leave you. Only God knows the day and the hour. It was his time to go. Unfortunately so young and you probably will never know the "whys" until you meet again. The guilt you are hanging on to will only hurt you, Terri. I pray that you will let it go. He is in a better place....

Love mlpinky

momtimes4 said...

I'm so sorry that you are suffering with this guilt on top of your grief. Guilt is a very powerful emotion, and I hope that in time you are able to see those last moments in a different light, and that the comments of your friends on here can help you to do that.

You behaved the way you did out of love, and I really and truly believe that Bryan knows that and would not have left if there was any way for him to stay.

Sarah said...

((hugs)) i know guilt is an awful emotion to have. and i know it's a natural part of grieving. hell, i still feel guilty about maren's death even though i really couldn't have done anything else. but that guilt has lessened over the years and when it comes, it's not as strong as it used to me.
i will pray that your guilt will lessen over time and get easier to deal with. in my heart of hearts, i know that you did all you could to protect your bear. he knows that you were fighting for him, not trying to do anything else.
he loves you so very much terri and would still be here with you if he had a choice about it.
i'm so sorry!
love ya!

Jo said...

I agree with all of the other comments. You did not cause Bryan's death. If you had sat on the chair next to his bed and calmly held his hand, he would have still died. There was nothing you could have done to prevent him dying.

Feeling guilty about it, isn't going to do you any good. In your grief, you can cry, yell, scream, sleep, rage, throw things, punch the wall whatever.... but feeling guilty and blaming yourself for something you had absolutely no control over will not help you through the grief any quicker.

I pray that your heart will mend, and that you will realize you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Laurie in Ca. said...


I am so sorry I called Bryan (John). I had been catching up on my friends and the last one was married to a John. Please accept my sincere apology. I didn't mean to offend in any way. Praying for you.


A Bear and His Honey said...

Not offended. Just sad.

Ingrid said...

I so agree with what momtimes4 said. Guilt is such a powerful emotion - please don't let it take hold of you. I have never been in your shoes, but I know that if it was my husband that was dying, I'd do whatever - anything - to try and keep him here, with me - just like you did.
I am so very sorry for your pain and for what you are going through. Please, please, do not blame yourself.

Alysha71 said...

Oh Terri,

I wish I could give you a big ((hug)) in person. Please don't feel that you did anything wrong. I agree with the others in that I see it as you were so in-tune with Bryan that you somehow knew in your subconscience and were trying to prevent his passing. You did what any wonderful, loving wife would have done. I know he loves you and always will. I admire the beautiful relationship the two of you had. I wish that your Baby Bear and your Bear could still be here with you....my heart just goes out to you so much.


Tiffany said...

Nothing anyone says will take away your guilt. you will have to come to the realization on your own that it was not your fault. You were acting out of emotion and fear.

In my opinion if the nurses or doctors knew the time was getting close they should have let you know, they should have prepared you.

Even though you knew he didn't have much time I know after the transfusion you felt he would have more time. So suddenly that his time was close understandably put you in "shock".

Don't blame yourself-you know it wasn't you-the course was already in motion. Just thank God you were there when the time came.

Anonymous said...

You are in my prayers.

Denise said...


It is so not your fault that he is gone and not even for that momt. By the sounds of it they knew that he was ready to go and that is why they asked if you were staying. Don't beat yourself up over this. It was his time to go eventhough it is not fair that he did and you didn't get to spend Christmas with you. It is better that he is not here suffering anymore. He is in heaven with your daughter and he is walking around holding her.

I wish that I was there to help you through this.

Cyber hugs to you and Emma

steviegator2004 said...

Terri {{{{HUGS}}}} him "leaving the room" was not your fault...I think you felt and knew what was going to happen and you tried you best to keep him with you...but we can't control what is God's plan...You were there for him when he left and went to be with baby bear...I think you are very blessed to be there...you were just not ready for it happen...but Bear was...Bear was ready to be in a place with no more pain or heartache...and to hold his baby bear and watch over you {{{HUGS}}} from me to you always

Sarah C. said...

There is no way he left that room due to what you said or did. You were fighting for him and your lives. He knew that and I'm sure understood and appreciated your will to keep fighting for him. Hold tight to the love and happy memories you two shared. Hold tight to the simple fact that he and Babybear are watching down on you and love you dearly. These things are true and can never be taken away. Release your worries and regrets. Be free and be happy. They both love you and would want that. ((HUGS)) my dear friend.

Mom 4 Life said...

As you well know, there is so much to deal with when a loved one dies. I will not tell you how to feel, that is your freedom, but I will assure you that you know in your heart the depth of your love for Bear and you know that he knows it as well. I hate for you that your last moments together were not the way you want to remember them. I pray that you can grab ahold of the years of love before that day and find comfort in those times to carry you through.
Much love, Heather

Joc(e) said...

Ter, I know no words I could say would ever assuage your guilt. Only time can bring perspective to this...only in time will you realize there was nothing you did wrong and nothing you could have done to make things right.

I think maybe B worried that he was putting YOU through too much...of course you didn't feel that way but his guilt may have been as strong as yours. In any event, you would have gone through anything together. (((BIG HUGS)))