Tuesday, December 2, 2008

He Looked So Sad

**warning** It may be hard for some people to read this post.

I won't go into a lot of detail, but I saw Bear yesterday. He looked so sad. It was very hard to see him like that. Mostly because of how sad he looked.

It is hard to determine whether it was a good idea to see him or not. At least now I will not think he is still at the hospital, which sometimes I do with my daughter. It was good to see him wearing clothes instead of the hospital gown he has been wearing since mid October.

Above all, it showed me that I was not imagining this and that this was real. I feel bad that I did not touch him and I did not say anything to him. But I think he knows how hard it was for me to come up with the right words.

Again I won't go into a lot of detail, but I was holding him when he died. I held onto him for four hours afterward, until they threatened to call security if I didn't leave.

At the hospital, I knew he was gone, but he looked exactly as he had all day. He had been sleeping pretty much the entire time I was there that day.

I can not tell the whole story of his last few hours as it hurts too much. Not only does it hurt that he died, but that I feel I that I am responsible for it because of what transpired only minutes before his death. Perhaps someday I will blog about that.

Oh, Bear, I love you and I miss you. I'm so sorry for everything. Please hug our baby girl supertight and tell her that her mommy loves her too.

13 comments:

liz said...

Oh hun. You don't have to blog anything you don't want but I do encourage you to write your story for yourself. No one else needs to see it. It will help a little. Because, you will some day begin to forget the details and it will be just slightly healing to know you have them all written somewhere.
And never worry about other people may think or feel about what you write here. This is your blog and if people don't want to read it then they don't have to.

*hugs*

Jo said...

I agree with Liz that you should write the story down... for your eyes only.

Also, I know it's difficult, but you cannot blame yourself for his death, Terri. He would have died no matter what you did or didn't do. It is NOT your fault.

I pray that time will ease your pain. I know it won't get better... but it may get easier.

BIG HUGS!
Jo

Susan @ fivemangoes said...

I think these ladies that have posted before me are very wise... and I have to agree - writing can be therapeutic, and nobody else needs to see it. You need to grieve in a way that you need to grieve. Don't feel pressured to share anything you don't want to.
Please know lots of us are still here and still praying.
Hugs,
Susan

mlpinky said...

((((((((Terri)))))))))

Praying for you and your family.

Mlpinky

Sarah C. said...

Huge hugs. Seeing him outside of the hospital was a good thing - it can help you to find closure down the road. Please, please do not blame yourself for anything. Those decisions are out of our hands. Why God chose him for an angel now we can't know. But do know that he is with your Babybear and they both love you immensely and know how much you love them.

Wish I could somehow ease this pain for you. Continuing to think of you and pray for you daily.

Tiffany said...

I am sorry to hear that you partially blame yourself for his death-believe me I know that feeling. I don't know the circumstance or the reason why you feel that way-I do know that there was nothing you did to cause it, just as there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Kristy said...

In agreement with these other gals - you do only what you need to do......know that there are many of us lifting you up in prayer.
Please don't feel for a moment that you are in anyway responsible for Bryans death. I firmly believe that (because Gods Word says so!) all our days are numbered. God knew the very second that He would call Bryan home to Him. What you did or didn't do......has nothing to do with it. Please hear that in these words.....
Praying.

Dana Lucas said...

I keep telling you that you aren't THAT powerful, Dear. For some reason you just insist on "doing a number on yourself." I'm so sorry you need to do that. Still, I'm here for you.

I'm so glad to hear that you saw B's body one more time. I totally understand the need to validate the truth of his lifeless body. I wish I had seen my mother's that way....

You know I love you, Ter. You know I'm "here" for you. You know how to reach me. I so wish I could be with you in person at this time.

Shea said...

((((Ter)))) I know there are parts of Evie's story that I've not shared with others but I'm glad I wrote them down. I've been thinking about you often.

perilloparodies said...

Oh, NO!!! I am so sorry!!! please, if I can do anything for you, or pray specifically for you in any way, please let me know... please know that even though you feel so alone, you are not. God is there. He may seem a million miles away, but trust me, He is there. I wish I could give you a hug across these miles. I am praying for and thinking of you. May God grant you an extra measure of His comfort, His peace, His hope in this time. Hoping I can somehow be there for you. With lots of tears and prayers... Celita

mrsdayseye@tiscali.it

Michelle said...

(((Ter))) ... I totally agree with the others that there is power and healing in writing. Not that anyone else ever needs to see it. But if you could write about Bear's last day or last few days ... as hard as it would be ... it might help you.

As for feeling responsible for his death ... I have not a doubt in my mind that you did nothing to precipitate Bear's passing that day. Ter ... like with Baby Bear and her passing, if you'd have been able to do anything to have stopped it, you would have. In a heartbeat. Without hesitation. So, please try not to take on the guilt that you did anything wrong. It won't bring Bear back and will only make this time for you even more difficult. Guilt is nothing but destructive. What happened to Bear was, sadly and unfairly, inevitable due to his disease.

I'm glad that you were able to see Bear yesterday. He may have looked sad, but his spirit is now soaring. And he is holding your Baby Bear close and telling her all about her amazing mommy.

(((Hugs))) ... you've been in my thoughts so much ... and will continue to be.

Amber said...

((hugs))

Ingrid said...

I totally agree with the others that have posted many words of wisdom before me.
And I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I can only begin to imagine how deeply you hurt.
Sending (((hugs))) and keeping you in prayer.