**warning** It may be hard for some people to read this post.
I won't go into a lot of detail, but I saw Bear yesterday. He looked so sad. It was very hard to see him like that. Mostly because of how sad he looked.
It is hard to determine whether it was a good idea to see him or not. At least now I will not think he is still at the hospital, which sometimes I do with my daughter. It was good to see him wearing clothes instead of the hospital gown he has been wearing since mid October.
Above all, it showed me that I was not imagining this and that this was real. I feel bad that I did not touch him and I did not say anything to him. But I think he knows how hard it was for me to come up with the right words.
Again I won't go into a lot of detail, but I was holding him when he died. I held onto him for four hours afterward, until they threatened to call security if I didn't leave.
At the hospital, I knew he was gone, but he looked exactly as he had all day. He had been sleeping pretty much the entire time I was there that day.
I can not tell the whole story of his last few hours as it hurts too much. Not only does it hurt that he died, but that I feel I that I am responsible for it because of what transpired only minutes before his death. Perhaps someday I will blog about that.
Oh, Bear, I love you and I miss you. I'm so sorry for everything. Please hug our baby girl supertight and tell her that her mommy loves her too.