Grief has been different for me this time around. I am not as crippled by Grief as I was when I lost my daughter. That is not to say that Grief is not as intense, but instead, perhaps, I have learned to live with Grief.
Grief is not my friend. I do not like Grief. Grief lingers around my house like an unwanted guest who has decided they like living with me. Like a nasty cold that clings to you and no matter what you do you can't shake it.
While I'm a newly bereaved wife, I have been a bereaved mother for over three years. I grieve my daughter every day. I think about what age she should be, what she might look like. I think about what her personality might have been. I think about all these things and more. Every day I wish I had my little girl here with me and every day I long to hold her.
Losing my daughter meant more than losing a baby who I never got to meet. I lost the toddler, the child, the teenager and the adult she would have become. I lost all the firsts. The first smile, the first tooth, the first step, the first word, the first day of school. I lost the chance to see my little girl grow up and become a wife and mother herself. I lost alot more than an unborn baby.
My grief for my husband is similar, yet different. I already know what my husband looks like, I know his personality, I know the man he became. But again, I lost my future. We had been at crossroads about whether to have another baby or not. We were trying to mend our broken hearts and live life again.
But some of what I lost with my husband are things I also lost with my daughter. I lost the chance to hug him, to talk to him, to share my life with him. I miss him most when I need someone to talk to, when I go to bed, and at meal times. I miss him during the moments we usually shared.
I try to console myself with the fact that my husband is no longer in pain, and that my babybear is with her daddy now. But sometimes Grief kicks in and makes it impossible to breathe. To think, and all I want to do is cry. And so, I do just that, sometimes. Cry.
My sadness is always there. But I've learned to live with Grief. I can get up in the morning, and make myself breakfast. I can carry on a relatively normal conversation. I can play with my dog and enjoy it. I may not yet be ready to go back to work and nor do I feel up to celebrating Christmas, but I have a feeling that Grief: the Sequel, will not suckerpunch me the way the original version did.
So Bear with me, during the times where it seems I am inconsolable and irritable. Have patience with me, while I learn to live my new normal. Be understanding, those times that I may complain and it appears that I have only anger in my heart.
Be kind. My heart is broken. I live with a new roommate called Grief. But I will prevail.