Grief has been different for me this time around. I am not as crippled by Grief as I was when I lost my daughter. That is not to say that Grief is not as intense, but instead, perhaps, I have learned to live with Grief.
Grief is not my friend. I do not like Grief. Grief lingers around my house like an unwanted guest who has decided they like living with me. Like a nasty cold that clings to you and no matter what you do you can't shake it.
While I'm a newly bereaved wife, I have been a bereaved mother for over three years. I grieve my daughter every day. I think about what age she should be, what she might look like. I think about what her personality might have been. I think about all these things and more. Every day I wish I had my little girl here with me and every day I long to hold her.
Losing my daughter meant more than losing a baby who I never got to meet. I lost the toddler, the child, the teenager and the adult she would have become. I lost all the firsts. The first smile, the first tooth, the first step, the first word, the first day of school. I lost the chance to see my little girl grow up and become a wife and mother herself. I lost alot more than an unborn baby.
My grief for my husband is similar, yet different. I already know what my husband looks like, I know his personality, I know the man he became. But again, I lost my future. We had been at crossroads about whether to have another baby or not. We were trying to mend our broken hearts and live life again.
But some of what I lost with my husband are things I also lost with my daughter. I lost the chance to hug him, to talk to him, to share my life with him. I miss him most when I need someone to talk to, when I go to bed, and at meal times. I miss him during the moments we usually shared.
I try to console myself with the fact that my husband is no longer in pain, and that my babybear is with her daddy now. But sometimes Grief kicks in and makes it impossible to breathe. To think, and all I want to do is cry. And so, I do just that, sometimes. Cry.
My sadness is always there. But I've learned to live with Grief. I can get up in the morning, and make myself breakfast. I can carry on a relatively normal conversation. I can play with my dog and enjoy it. I may not yet be ready to go back to work and nor do I feel up to celebrating Christmas, but I have a feeling that Grief: the Sequel, will not suckerpunch me the way the original version did.
So Bear with me, during the times where it seems I am inconsolable and irritable. Have patience with me, while I learn to live my new normal. Be understanding, those times that I may complain and it appears that I have only anger in my heart.
Be kind. My heart is broken. I live with a new roommate called Grief. But I will prevail.
Eventually.
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13 comments:
My heart is broken for you. (((hugs)))
Ter, I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. I completely understand the loss of your child... because I have experienced that as well.
I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose Mike. I don't want to imagine it. I am sorry that you don't have a choice... that you have to live it.
I pray for healing of your broken heart.
I think of you every day
Ter, This is just perfect, beautiful and eloquent. Though I cannot understand what it is like to lost a love like a husband, I do understand grief and I know that it is constantly changing. It was described to me once as being like the ocean. You stand in the waves of grief and the ebb and flow, you can feel them gain strength and reside again. Then, every so often, a giant wave a grief comes and knocks you down, pulling you under, totally unexpected. But you will get up again. All you can do is cry and I want you to cry because crying will help you mend. I want you to also know that everyone is with you and we are always here if you ever ever need. Take all the time you need, there is no rush.
This is such a beautiful post, Ter.
I think of you often.
While none of this is about me... you have no idea how good it makes me feel to hear you say this. It makes my heart a little lighter for you. And it takes away some of my constant worry for you.
You are such a strong person Ter. You don't recongnise that strength in yourself I think. Life has kicked you down several times, but like an action hero in some cheesy movie, you get right back up. It may take you until almost the 10 count, but you get back up. You are amazing.
(((T))) My heart is broken with you. But the ache is slightly eased to read your word. Take your time in your battle with grief. We'll always be here, patiently helping in whatever way we can. (((HUGS))) to you and Emma.
so beautiful terri!
and you said it...you WILL prevail.
don't worry about celebrating christmas. this year was the first in 3 years that i sort of look forward to it. it's so hard to celebrate holidays and esp one that was bryan's favorite. do what you want on that day...cry, scream, kick, watch movies all day, stay in your pj's, and eat bad food. anything you want!
(((hugs)))
Still praying for you.
Hugs,
Susan
Terri,
I think of you so often. My heart goes out to you. I think what you wrote is so very true and you always put things into words so perfectly. Our babies's passings have changed us in so many ways. I wish you peaceful days and warm thoughts of your Sweet Bear and Baby Bear. ((HUGS))
P.S. I also wanted to tell you that I always LOVE the beautiful photos that you take. You are so talented. :0)
LaikensMommy from SHARE
That was really beautifully written, you put into words some of my own feelings after losing Sawyer and helped me better understand where you are at. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Of course I understand. (((Hugs)))
Awesome piece of writing, Ter! And, yes, you WILL prevail because TRUTH (as in this blog post) always prevails!
You do have a wonderful way with words, Ter. I'm glad you posted about the differences in grief when you lose a child as opposed to losing another loved one...it's important for those who have not lost children to know that. Of course losing Bryan will always hurt you and he should still be there with you, and I'm so sad you had to experience both types of grief.
You are tougher than you think (not stronger, I won't use that word)...but you will prevail as Dana says. And you have friends to help you along the way. (((HUGS)))
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