Today Wasn't Any Better

October 15, 2008 - Today was a no good rotten day. Not only did I get stuck at a train and go totally loco (no pun intended) by screaming at the train to get out of my way, I got a parking ticket simply because I could not park in my usual parkades and I did not know this one (the others, you take the ticket with you to punch when you return, this one you're to keep it on your dashboard) then to make matters worse I am told my husband may not even make it to Christmas.

Today, Bear can not lift his legs at all. He can barely move his legs and hips. He can barely wiggle his toes. I was piercing my fingernail into his flesh and he could not feel it at all.

After complaining for nearly his entire hospital stay, he was finally given an enema to help him have a bowel movement. He finally managed to do so.

His radiation treatment was cancelled. I am not sure if this is permanently, or just for today so that he could focus on emptying his bowels. Radiation isn't helping anything other than to keep him comfortable.

Shortly before I arrived to the hospital, the medical oncologist came to speak with Bear. He told Bear that he was very sorry, but the cancer is too far advance for Chemo to help him. All it will do at this stage is make him sick on top of everything and it probably would not help. Up until this point, Bear was holding onto the hope of Chemo making him better. Bear says that he told the doctor he was hoping to hang on til Christmas (his favorite holiday) and the doctor had told him that it will be very lucky if he does live that long.

They are looking at putting him into a palliative care hospital, since he is immobile and will not do well at home. He's missing our furrybear so much and hospitals don't allow pets to come in.

Everyday I leave the hospital, I am scared that will be the last time I see him.

I am so scared.