Final Relay Update

My entire team (except 1) has backed out.

So I will not be taking part in this relay.

On the upside, I raised over $700 for the Canadian Cancer Society, and so far no one wants their donation back now that the team ceases to exist. So, it will still go towards the cause.

On the downside, I will spend the Relay weekend wallowing instead of partaking in something meaningful.

I know what you'll say.... do something else instead. I'm sure I could come up with many things I could do instead, but it won't change the fact that I am not able to do this.

Yes, I know I could join another team, but I really don't want to.

By the way, my last post was written a few minutes after they rest of the team decided to tell me they were backing out. On a day that was already a bad calendar day and I had almost made it through the day when their email popped up on my screen just as I was about to go to bed.

Needless to say, it's been a rough week.

Untrustworthy

People wonder why I am not quick to believe them when they say that they will do something. It's because time and time again they prove to me they are not trustworthy. They always have an excuse or something always comes up. They promise to be there for me, but they are not. They are too busy, too tired, too poor, I am all of those things and yet, I am still here and still would rather scrape up a few pennies to go for coffee even when I haven't slept in a week, or just so happen to have 20000 things to do that day.

They wonder why I'm so moody and why I no longer go out of my way to call them or email them.

It's because, in the end, I'm the one who's always disappointed.

My family thinks I hate them... that's not true. I just don't trust them....

and I can't handle the disappointments, the brush-offs, the being the least important on the list. I'm tired, man, I am so so so tired.

Unfortunately the alternative is to be totally and utterly alone in this world.

except, i already feel that I am.

Done

I don't think I can do this much longer.

Today is the captain's dinner for the relay for life, and yet again I can not go. I can't because not one person was willing to go with me.

I'm sick and bloody tired of all this. I'm so tired of people telling me i should get out of the house and then never wanting to do anything with me. Oh I'm sorry, I mean "can't" do anything. Bullfuckingshit. No one is ever that busy.

whatevs.

I'm done.

I doubt I'll even go to the Relay now. I will hand in the $ on bank day and wish them good luck.

From now on, I will not ask anyone to do anything with me. I will not ask anyone for their help. I will just fade away in the background, and hopefully disappear altogether.

I am thinking of making this blog private. I don't think many people read it anymore, but making it private may help me know who is reading it. Not that it really matters if the whole world reads it or not but.. please let me know if you want an invite to read this if I make it private.

I know my last few posts have been negative-nelly but I tend to post on here during bad moments. It is not always bad, just so you know.

I've been keeping myself quite busy these days, by my standards anyway. It may not seem so busy compared to some other people's lives.

I have claimed this year to be for "The Great Purge of 2010" and so far I have really been busting my ass in the purging department. So far it is mostly papers. I have filled up several recycling bins and have at least 2 full boxes of papers to be shredded and 2 bags already shredded. I have thrown out tons of garbage and put tons of stuff in boxes to give away. I'm hoping to have a yard sale first and see if I can make any money off my crap. I have a garbage bag of clothes to give away and a bag of linens as well. This is not even counting the boxes etc. that B and I filled up just prior to finding out his cancer was back, when this was supposed to be "The Great Purge of 2008" (although honestly while I was purging stuff then it wasn't quite as ruthless as it is now. I am finding myself less attached to"stuff"... I no longer feel the need to keep something because so-and-so gave it to me.(sorry!) My new policy is that if I don't love it/use it/need it - it's gone. I mean yes, I still struggle with some things but mostly I am doing a pretty good job. I think though, that if people come over though they won't notice much of a difference yet. But I do, and frankly that's all that matters.

So, that was my somewhat positive post, so that you don't think I'm miserable 100 % of the time.

Thanks for sticking with me, if you're still reading.

i miss you, bear & babybear

Trapped

Quite literally in fact.
someone has blocked my gate with heavy rocks.
I can't open my gate.
I guess it's just as well.
I'm gonna rot here anyway.
unfortunately I won't die.
that is my punishment for being born.
happy fucking easter.

I feel like all I do these days is complain. I think it feels that way because I don't have anyone here to talk to about things, so I let it out on my blogs.

I have been frustrated with lack of communication. It certainly doesn't help that I'm Deaf and can't hear on the telephone and really dislike using the Relay service. (Last year I heard of a company called Viable Vision which uses a video phone with signing interpreters as opposed to an operator that relays what you're typing - unfortunately they discontinued use in Canada almost immediately after they started, much to my dismay! I did, however, get the chance to see it in person at my friend's house before it discontinued and it was awesome! I really hope it comes back. In the main time I'm hoping to try out Skype soon and see if the hearing person can type while I talk with my voice. I recently tried OOVOO with my Deaf friends which is pretty good too but you have to open a separate screen to type so that makes it a little harder. With my deaf friends though, we just sign. - anyway - point - i am hoping that it will open up communication with others to help ease my frustrations and theirs)

I think people think that I expect them to always be right there for me, at my beck and call, which is so not true. I just want communication. I feel that lately people say "maybe"a lot lately. So, for example, with my first and second workshop, almost everyone said "maybe" they will come, and I had to prepare for it but did not know how many people to prepare for. It added stress that I really did not need since I was already feeling quite apprehensive. Right up til the moment the first person arrived I really wondered if anyone would come.

The other thing that's been happening lately is people will offer their help or offer to come visit "soon" but never say when they will come by, or it just never happens. It's not that I expect people to help, but it feels like empty promises. It has gotten to the point that I never believe people when they say they will come for a visit.

I have people who say "let's get together this weekend" (or whatever date) and follow that up with "I'll let you know when and what time and where" but then that day comes and goes and the person either doesn't contact me or waits til very late in the day and has some excuse. This is not one specific person I'm talking about, but a few.

Maybe the excuses are valid, I don't know. But I just feel like I'm such a low priority for people, and it is weeks or months before I see people. People who claim to care and maybe they do but... sometimes actions speak louder than words.

When I do have people come over, it is usually just for a few minutes. Never long enough for much of a visit. Certainly never long enough to have a meal. I have a deep freeze full of stuff that's too much for just me to eat on my own. I have tried to invite people over but it seems never to work out.

I feel bad. I don't want people to feel guilty for not having time, but sometimes I wonder if they really don't have time, or if they just don't want anything to do with me. It is hard to know sometimes.

When I do get invitations to do something, it's usually something that the person knows I would not have any interest in doing or at a time when they know I will not want to/be able to. It always seems that people pick the same day to ask me to do something or It's when I've got an appointment or something.

I feel strains in my friendships and relationships. I feel that I am frustrated with everyone and then they get frustrated with me being frustrated. Or they feel harassed because I will keep emailing them reminders or "well how about this or that or this " because no set plans are made.

I can be spontaneous but when you've been through what I've been through, sometimes knowing that things will work out (even something as minor as a coffee date) can really be helpful.

When my husband was in the hospital, I had people emailing me and saying things like "well if I have time I'll come in to see him after work some day next week" and then he was gone so fast and people were all upset because they never got to see him. He died thinking that people just did not care about him.

One of my greatest fears these days is that I will die and no one will even notice until months later when my neighbors start complaining of the stink coming from my house. My other fear is that I will get injured or wake up paralyzed and not be able to do anything about it except rot away. This fear has been made worse by my body being in alot of pain lately. Last night, while rolling over in bed, my neck snapped. I was so scared! It was more scary than the fact that I can't feel my legs when I lay on my side. It's made worse because I'm alone.

Anyways, I don't really know the point of this post. I don't think anyone really reads this blog anymore. I really don't know what I hope to achieve by writing this. Perhaps I will alienate people more. I realize that communication is a two way street, but with my hearing loss, I can only really communicate through my email, through texts, or through relay. So, in other words, typing.

I also noticed too, that when I do see people in person, that I will talk and my throat goes dry and my voice gets all cracked. That's what happens when you don't get to talk to anyone but your dog.

Well anyway, enough of my complaints for the day. I hope things will get better soon. I don't expect drastic changes because I can't change other people and their habits, but I hope that maybe I can make people aware a little more. I need definite answers and plans. Not just 'maybe' and I need for people to understand why it frustrates me. Don't get mad at me when I am upset because I haven't gotten a response from you. I think people think they can only respond if it's a positive response. I got 2 people saying "well I never said I was going" in response to the relay for life (which they didn't respond until AFTER i got mad!) and I can only say that "no I'm not going" is a response as well. Even if I don't like it.

But I already covered that earlier so I won't get into it again tonight.

relay kick off etc

I'm really upset.
tonight was the relay for life kick off.
not a single member of my team wanted to go.
which meant I couldn't go.
Now I"m not big on loud noisy socials but I wanted to go and see what it was all about.
I know there was food there, and that there were prizes that the teams could win. I thought it would be fun and get my team motivated. Most of them haven't even registered officially yet.

but most of all I thought it would be a chance to get out of the house for something other than an errand. everyone keeps telling me I should go out. but then no one wants to go out and do anything with me.

I'm not entirely disappointed about not going. I'm mostly disappointed in the lack of support I feel from my teammates. I feel like they don't really want to partake in this and only said they would because of feelings of obligation or something. I don't know.

The lack of communication is really what's bothering me, not just with these teammates but people in general. I'm feeling more alone everyday.

When B was here at least I had someone. Now I have no one.

Thank goodness for my dog.

I've got a headache I can't shake. it's been hanging around for 3 days, it gets better after tylenol then comes back. i hope my BP isn't too high but it might be. it might also be because of seasonal change and the fact I'm not getting much rest (even when I sleep). Plus I've been stressing alot lately. Part of it is because people are really ticking me off with their lack of common courtesy. And with their roundabout ways. I can't seem to get straight responses from people and the word "maybe" has become one of my least favorite words in the English vocabulary.

I am also really getting annoyed (disgusted!) by these anti-smoking commercials that are meant to scare people into quit smoking. Idiots, don't you know that the smokers are outside having their smokes during commercial breaks?! Queasy Non Smokers like me are inside. And the worst part too is that it has this music or sound that makes me look up at the tv when it comes on even if I am not watching the tv! I really really really do not need to see that woman with a hole in her neck one more time.

Seriously, if my life wasn't so fucked up and my family wasn't all dead, I would quit watching tv right now because of that disgusting commercial and wait for dvd's of everything. ugh.

I haven't been writing on my blogs much lately because I really can't seem to form any full sentences and I am just ugghhhhhh about alot of things right now.

the mud, ohmigod the mud, did I mention it in my last post the other day? ughh I don't think it's ever going to go away.

well i probably have more to say but I can't think.

just me

I haven't written on this blog in over a month. I haven't even written on my regular everyday blog in a while either. Why? Well, the biggest reason is I really don't know what to say. Anything I can think of comes out as whine whine whinnnnnne.

In addition to that my computer has been really slow and the space bar has broken right off. I have come accustomed to the little button that makes the spaces but it is still annoying. My printer tells me it's out of paper when it's not and then jams the paper when it accepts it. Yeah, it's been fun.

I have also been busy with my Stampin' Up career that I have just started but most of all I have been in a funk. Some days I realize I haven't done a thing all day. Some days I am busy all day but with my pain and my f'd up sleep schedule, I am not getting much done.

Thankfully keeping busy helps but I am still in a funk.

It also doesn't help that my life has been on auto repeat lately. Seriously, yesterday I washed the floor 3 times. You can't even tell. Yes, I know that's a side effect of spring but it is ticking me off because I have been struggling so hard to get this place back in some sort of normalcy and decluttered.

That's the other thing I've been doing... I have dubbed it "The Great Purge of 2010." Well even though I have purged ALOT (mostly papers) I feel like I have not yet made a dent despite my efforts. My body has been fighting me and aching whenever I try to do anything other than be a bum.

To add salt to my wounds, I got a letter today telling me that, sorry, the fact you're deaf does not make it easy for us so we are not going to allow you to come to our school. Gee, thanks for wasting the last year of my life with this.

Didn't I warn you earlier in this post that everything I say now comes out in a big ol' WHINE?

I guess the positives now are that the snow is gone from my yard. It would not surprise me though if we have more snow on the way. But the snow melted helped in the sense I was able to get the dog poo cleaned up from my yard. It would've taken a normal person less than an hour to get it done, it took me two days. But I did it.

Today it is a bit cold but it has been nice all week which is really nice for March. We often do not get spring like weather until May so this is nice, I had no complaints about the weather, just the mud that has taken over my back yard and has transplanted itself onto my floor via a certain pup's paws. No matter how much I try to clean her paws they are dirty, the mud is that sticky kind. I gave her a little bath the other day, no shampoo, just water. She hates baths. (well showers) (which is odd because she loves being doused by the hose outside) But then I decided to use a bowl of water and dip her feet in there, that helps a bit but I'm running out of cloths I can use. I have washed all her towels. I'll probably have to do that a few times a week til the ground solidifies. I hope this year I can get some grass put in where there is no grass, and I'm thinking of getting some cement slabs to put by the back gate which is where the most of the mud is and where she likes to run around and hop on her hind legs.

Unfortunately, money is scarce and even with my Stampin' Up, I am still struggling to get through. I had to borrow B's rsp money to pay some bills but I am quickly going to run out of that soon, too. Thing is I like the Stampin' Up so far but I think I am going to have to get another job in addition to it. I just can't seem to get started with looking for a job, I know my hearing affects my ability to do anything and I hate to waste time. Plus the truth is I don't really want to do anything else so that makes it harder too.I know I have to and I'm responsible to a fault.

The other thing too that's getting to me is this world's lack of common sense and common courtesy. People walking across people's lawns because they are lazy and can't use sidewalks. People not replying to email or letters or phone messages. I am tired of the lack of common courtesy to the point that I feel I am going to end up in the nuthouse because I am always having to remind people. I am always having to harass people because they didn't reply to my original messages or because they tell me they are going to do something and then don't.

Well I don't know what else to say. Like I said, everything I say these days is a complaint and a whine. I don't like this but what can I do. It's my life... it sucks!

On the upside, I have the movies 2012 and The Time Traveler's Wife (the book is awesome!) to watch this weekend and I have a workshop on Sunday which I hope hope hope will bring in a bit of income.