12 hours: Relay for Life

Hello Everyone,
I'm popping back in here to share this from my every day blog:

For the 3rd year in a row
I will be relaying in memory of my Husband, Bryan,
who lost his battle with Lyposarcoma
two days before his 38th birthday.

The Relay for Life is put on by the Canadian Cancer Society each year.
It is a 12 hour overnight non-competitive relay
to raise funds for research in the fight against cancer.
Below, I have posted a video by the Canadian Cancer Society for you to watch.

Last year, a few of you told me that you wished
I had posted my fundraising page so you could donate.
If you wish to donate, click HERE.
All donations over $10 Cdn will get a tax receipt from the Canadian Cancer Society.
Thank you for your support.

made it through holidays

Made it through Christmas without you. The pup and I just stayed home and watched movies.

I have decided that it's time to archive this blog. I rarely ever post and when I do it's usually complaints anyway.

I would like to thank everyone who has come here and shown me support in the last couple years.

2 years

It's been 2 years.

I miss you.
Love you.

what else can I say?

Happy birthday.

The Second Chapter Or The Day I Got Smart

We met on my 18th birthday.
We were friends for 6 years. We even flirted a bit. Maybe even a lot.
But I still didn't figure it out.

Then 11 years ago today, I finally got a clue. You weren't too shabby.

We began dating and the rest, as they say is history.

Two years ago today, you fell down the stairs. Your legs had given out from under you as you were heading up to bed. You decided to sleep on the couch, and you insisted that I go ahead upstairs to bed.

The next morning we called the Cancer Care and told them of your fall. It was not your first fall that week. I knew of one other which I saw and it terrified me. I later learned that you fell a few other times too while I was at work.

Cancer Care told us to bring you to the hospital. Since your legs were very weak and I am not strong enough to lift you and hold you up, we called for an ambulance.

Had I known that was your last moments in our house, I would have stayed on the couch with you.

Within a week, your legs no longer moved. And the news came that Cancer had spread and there was no longer anything to be done.

And that you would never come home.

I wish we had tried harder to get you home. It would have been costly, but worth it. I think we both freaked out at the idea of spending money. Maybe had we tried harder, you might've fought harder too. Being in a wheelchair is not that big of a deal. You would've adapted. But we freaked out.

I will always regret that.

I'd give everything up to have you (and babybear) back again.

The Day You Fell Or The Last Chapter

So this week marks the anniversary of the day you fell down the stairs which resulted in you never coming home. I'm Sorry I did not stay downstairs with you that night, but you insisted that I go to bed and how was I to know it would be your last night at home forever? How was I to know I'd have to go to the hospital every day for almost 2 months and watch you waste away, This big strong guy who never got sick. How did you slip away so quickly?

The last few weeks, I have been very busy but things are dwindling down a bit and now the emotions are coming forth again.

I really wished you were at the walk with me this past weekend. You would see how much we have grown. And even surrounded by 100+ people, I could not help but think of the ones who were not there. You and babybear. Of course, it is because of babybear that the walk started in the first place and because of all the other babies gone too soon that the walk continues to grow.

I don't know how I do this without you, but I do and hopefully it is only bringing me closer to my reunion.

I'm struggling. I have not been able to find employment and the bills keep coming. I don't know what to do. I haven't completely given up but it is getting so hard. I just want to curl up in a ball and never get out of bed some days.

And I'm fucking lonely.

and tired.

absolutely tired of this.

Roller Coaster Ahead

The next couple weeks are going to be tough.

With the anniversary of the day we found out his cancer was back... and his 3rd surgery (emergency).

and with school starting in a couple weeks, knowing that I should have a kindergartener.

I have been keeping busy trying not to notice how empty my life is but it does not really work.

Today and yesterday I babysat and today the kids were watching a movie and snuggling up to me. I sat there thinking, this should be my life every day.

I have been trying to find another job but without any luck. Not even an interview yet. I can't give up and I won't but good gosh, give me a break. I am so tired and sore all the time these days and being broke is not exactly a mood-lifter.

I have also been thinking more and more about how I don't even fall on the scale of important people to some people who are on mine. I am feeling this more and more and I think it is attributing to my feeling of being alone more than it would be if I were truly alone with no one at all. Where does the line of obligation end? Should I cut the ties and hope for the best? I mean, truly, some of these people have not really been a part of my life in years, we just so happen to be a part of each others lives due to circumstance or blood.

The complication in my life remains a complication, but it's not consuming my every thought now, so that's good, I guess.

September will be busy, if all goes according to my calendar. I am not sure how I'd fit a job in there without totally becoming an invalid with my POS (piece of s***)body. Babysitting the last couple days, I took the kids to the park which is only a couple blocks away and I thought I was going to die, the pain was so bad. This is why my dog has not gone for a walk in forever. (though I did take her to the park last week)

I don't think I even mentioned a scare I had a week or so ago. There's a new guy at the bank. Apparently he read something wrong on my account and told me it was frozen. I was so upset. I managed to keep a frame of mind long enough to ask to speak to the manager. Unfortunately, I had to wait 2 days, in which I could hardly breathe, before I could see her and learn that it was a mistake on the new employee's part, and that my account was fine (albeit low on cash but not frozen!)

I hate that this blog has become my spot for complaining, instead of a tribute to my husband and daughter, or a triumph over cancer.

illogical

somehow i made it through babybear's angel day and our anniversary.

but I'm still struggling... in more ways than one.

I just want to be okay.

today is not a good day.

have you noticed I only blog on my worst days?

when I have nothing to keep me distracted
or when I got suckerpunched in the gut.
metaphorically, not actually, but maybe the real deal wouldn't hurt as much.

I wish I could get away for a few days
the problem is that no matter where I go,
I'll still be there and I'm the one person I need to get away from.

I know that makes absolutely no sense but whoever said I was logical?

Facing The Worst Week Of The Year

Well, here we are again.

Staring the worst week in the face.

I've got my imaginary boxing gloves on
and I'm fighting the awful memories
and the good ones too
of this worst week.

There will be no winner in this game, only losers
and that loser will be me.

**********

Life hasn't gotten any less complicated since I last wrote. In fact, more so in some ways.
I am so emotionally spent that I can't even think anymore. I have a million and one thoughts in my head and I can't make sense of any of it. I can't seem to take action on any of my thoughts because I barely complete it before another thought occupies its space.

One step at a time I guess, is what they say, but the question is in which direction do I take these steps?

All I know is, right now, all I want is you, and you're gone.

And I'm facing Worst Week alone.
again.

Life Has Gotten Complicated.

I can't go into details at the moment (maybe not ever)
but my life has gotten WAY complicated the last couple weeks.
It involves my future and a little bit of my past and it scares the shit out of me.

this is my blog and I will swear if i want to.

It does not help that it is July
and my daughter's 5th angel day is coming up at the end of the month, and mine and bear's 7th wedding anniversary is also later this month.

I hate July. I hate it hate it hate it.
and now this complication.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

*tears*

repeat

I haven't written here for a while. I am not really sure what to talk about. All I know is that every time I think of writing it all comes out as complaints and whines and woe-is-me.

Not that today will be any better. It is that time of year again... when my life started to fall apart 5 years ago. Of course at that time I didn't know it was falling apart.

Right about now I was still stuck in the hospital... but no one had really explained the seriousness of the situation. Every day they had told me I could go home tomorrow but then tomorrow would come and they'd say the same thing. It took my husband at least 5 days to bring me clean underwear because every day he thought he was coming to pick me up. I was in the hospital for at least 12 days, maybe 13. In any case no one told me I should be on bedrest so I spent most of my time pacing up and down the halls because I was so bored.

Anyway, I am not going to get into all that, you can read about it on my other blog from my posts last year or I guess by now it was the year before.

I am in a slump because this time of year is very hard on me and again I feel very alone. I am trying to look for a new job but all I can think is that I don't really want to work or at least not any of the jobs that are available that I could actually stand a chance to get.

In addition to that I don't have any references. I have lost touch with most of my old references and some of them I have lost trust in as well. That is why I didn't apply for a couple jobs that I might've had a chance otherwise... their job ads asked specifically for references.

Another problem these days is that people seem to be trying to piss me off. I'm sure it's not really like that but that's how I feel. Take for example that lately the weather has been crazy here so I've been switching back and forth between a/c and heat alot over the last few weeks. My pilot light keeps going out. So, I have had to call hydro to come 2 or is it 3 times now to relight it as it is an old furnace (but in good condition) and the last time the guy came he told me that i should get a cover for the fan to keep it from blowing out my pilot light. He told me that the furnace company that we have used (they have a sticker on the furnace) in past would be able to cover it for me. So I phoned. The lady on the other end was just RUDE to me. She kept telling me that it will be $85 / hour plus parts. I asked her well how much approximately is the part? and she got all snotty and told me that she is not a technician. Well seeings how I am broke, I am not exactly willing to have them come here for $85 only to find out the part is $200 and have to have them come back when I have the money and then end up having to pay $285 because they came back a second time in addition to the $85 original peek.

Later I found out they have an email and so I emailed hoping to get a better response. Again the person on the other end says "85/hr plus parts" I write back and say can you give me an estimate on the cost of the fan cover. They write back that they have no clue what I am talking about and that it will be $85/hr plus parts.

I am so miffed. My pilot light has gone out again and it's rainy again, so i need a little bit of heat. I have no money so I can't just let them come here for $85 for nothing or to come back again at another time to pay again.

I'm tired of calling hydro to come and relight it only to have the next day be hot and have to put the a/c on again and repeat.

and by the way, we have always liked their services before. but usually my husband called and he never questioned anything like that, he would hang up and then grumble about the situation. But not me, I will argue if I must.

I'm tired of my whole life being repeat and nothing getting done for one reason or another... my body aching, the weather (rain rain and more rain with a few way too hot days), mosquitoes, time, money,

I'm just rambling here and not even using proper sentence structure and grammar which is also driving me insane but I need to get it all out of my head. Not that it really helps.

I am also getting a bit frustrated with my work, I am loving the job that I do but I am not getting any further ahead in it. My income is really low and is being spent on my supplies, therefore no extra money for bills and such. I am getting frustrated because people are not wanting to come to my card classes or even my open house, but yet I have to spend the time and money to prep for each one "just in case"...

Is it all a waste of time? I really don' know how I can physically work at a "real" job for 8 hours plus a day and then come home and do all my housework, yardwork, errands like grocery shopping, and then my stampin' up job as well. I don't know, and so because I'm really not sure I can do it, I am putting off REALLY looking for a new job but that is not helping my situation either.

I am hoping to have a yardsale later this summer. one of my neighbors put a notice in everyone's mailboxes asking if we wanted to have a block sale this upcoming weekend and I really would but i don't know if I could get everything ready in time plus I would need help lugging stuff out of the basement. also with the rain and the mosquitoes, etc. I am just not really up to it. I am hoping that I will get help to have my own later this summer. I have been going through everything, so far I've got like 10 boxes of stuff to sell as well as my old entertainment unit and microwave cart and a couple other biggies.

but i'm so busy planning my open house for the new catalogue launch, so I'm just hoping that people show up to that. I have prepped supplies for make n takes for 20 people but so far I have only heard people say they are NOT coming, with exception of a few maybes. and I don't really trust "yes"es anymore.

well anyway i shall stop rambling and get on with my day , I have been trying to force myself to go upstairs and get dressed so I could go to the bank today. I was up at 6 and raring to go but the bank doesn't open til 9:30 so I got busy and distracted and now it's almost 3 pm and I've done nothing much. (okay that's not entirely true, i mowed the back yard and cleaned up the doggie poo before it rained and I made 8 cards for the fellow demos all before 10 AM but since then I have done nothing and I'm already on my 4th coke of the day which is really bad, and all I've eaten is a couple chunks of cheese but I can't think straight enough to decide what to eat. bleh.