One Bear Hug at a Time

made it through holidays

2010-12-27T11:17:00.003-06:00

Made it through Christmas without you. The pup and I just stayed home and watched movies.

I have decided that it's time to archive this blog. I rarely ever post and when I do it's usually complaints anyway.

I would like to thank everyone who has come here and shown me support in the last couple years.

2 years

2010-11-29T20:37:00.002-06:00

It's been 2 years.

I miss you.
Love you.

what else can I say?

Happy birthday.

The Second Chapter Or The Day I Got Smart

2010-10-09T14:43:00.004-05:00

We met on my 18th birthday.
We were friends for 6 years. We even flirted a bit. Maybe even a lot.
But I still didn't figure it out.

Then 11 years ago today, I finally got a clue. You weren't too shabby.

We began dating and the rest, as they say is history.

Two years ago today, you fell down the stairs. Your legs had given out from under you as you were heading up to bed. You decided to sleep on the couch, and you insisted that I go ahead upstairs to bed.

The next morning we called the Cancer Care and told them of your fall. It was not your first fall that week. I knew of one other which I saw and it terrified me. I later learned that you fell a few other times too while I was at work.

Cancer Care told us to bring you to the hospital. Since your legs were very weak and I am not strong enough to lift you and hold you up, we called for an ambulance.

Had I known that was your last moments in our house, I would have stayed on the couch with you.

Within a week, your legs no longer moved. And the news came that Cancer had spread and there was no longer anything to be done.

And that you would never come home.

I wish we had tried harder to get you home. It would have been costly, but worth it. I think we both freaked out at the idea of spending money. Maybe had we tried harder, you might've fought harder too. Being in a wheelchair is not that big of a deal. You would've adapted. But we freaked out.

I will always regret that.

I'd give everything up to have you (and babybear) back again.

The Day You Fell Or The Last Chapter

2010-10-07T12:01:00.002-05:00

So this week marks the anniversary of the day you fell down the stairs which resulted in you never coming home. I'm Sorry I did not stay downstairs with you that night, but you insisted that I go to bed and how was I to know it would be your last night at home forever? How was I to know I'd have to go to the hospital every day for almost 2 months and watch you waste away, This big strong guy who never got sick. How did you slip away so quickly?

The last few weeks, I have been very busy but things are dwindling down a bit and now the emotions are coming forth again.

I really wished you were at the walk with me this past weekend. You would see how much we have grown. And even surrounded by 100+ people, I could not help but think of the ones who were not there. You and babybear. Of course, it is because of babybear that the walk started in the first place and because of all the other babies gone too soon that the walk continues to grow.

I don't know how I do this without you, but I do and hopefully it is only bringing me closer to my reunion.

I'm struggling. I have not been able to find employment and the bills keep coming. I don't know what to do. I haven't completely given up but it is getting so hard. I just want to curl up in a ball and never get out of bed some days.

And I'm fucking lonely.

and tired.

absolutely tired of this.

Roller Coaster Ahead

2010-08-21T17:13:00.002-05:00

The next couple weeks are going to be tough.

With the anniversary of the day we found out his cancer was back... and his 3rd surgery (emergency).

and with school starting in a couple weeks, knowing that I should have a kindergartener.

I have been keeping busy trying not to notice how empty my life is but it does not really work.

Today and yesterday I babysat and today the kids were watching a movie and snuggling up to me. I sat there thinking, this should be my life every day.

I have been trying to find another job but without any luck. Not even an interview yet. I can't give up and I won't but good gosh, give me a break. I am so tired and sore all the time these days and being broke is not exactly a mood-lifter.

I have also been thinking more and more about how I don't even fall on the scale of important people to some people who are on mine. I am feeling this more and more and I think it is attributing to my feeling of being alone more than it would be if I were truly alone with no one at all. Where does the line of obligation end? Should I cut the ties and hope for the best? I mean, truly, some of these people have not really been a part of my life in years, we just so happen to be a part of each others lives due to circumstance or blood.

The complication in my life remains a complication, but it's not consuming my every thought now, so that's good, I guess.

September will be busy, if all goes according to my calendar. I am not sure how I'd fit a job in there without totally becoming an invalid with my POS (piece of s***)body. Babysitting the last couple days, I took the kids to the park which is only a couple blocks away and I thought I was going to die, the pain was so bad. This is why my dog has not gone for a walk in forever. (though I did take her to the park last week)

I don't think I even mentioned a scare I had a week or so ago. There's a new guy at the bank. Apparently he read something wrong on my account and told me it was frozen. I was so upset. I managed to keep a frame of mind long enough to ask to speak to the manager. Unfortunately, I had to wait 2 days, in which I could hardly breathe, before I could see her and learn that it was a mistake on the new employee's part, and that my account was fine (albeit low on cash but not frozen!)

I hate that this blog has become my spot for complaining, instead of a tribute to my husband and daughter, or a triumph over cancer.

illogical

2010-08-03T14:10:00.003-05:00

somehow i made it through babybear's angel day and our anniversary.

but I'm still struggling... in more ways than one.

I just want to be okay.

today is not a good day.

have you noticed I only blog on my worst days?

when I have nothing to keep me distracted
or when I got suckerpunched in the gut.
metaphorically, not actually, but maybe the real deal wouldn't hurt as much.

I wish I could get away for a few days
the problem is that no matter where I go,
I'll still be there and I'm the one person I need to get away from.

I know that makes absolutely no sense but whoever said I was logical?

Facing The Worst Week Of The Year

2010-07-18T15:22:00.002-05:00

Well, here we are again.

Staring the worst week in the face.

I've got my imaginary boxing gloves on
and I'm fighting the awful memories
and the good ones too
of this worst week.

There will be no winner in this game, only losers
and that loser will be me.

**********

Life hasn't gotten any less complicated since I last wrote. In fact, more so in some ways.
I am so emotionally spent that I can't even think anymore. I have a million and one thoughts in my head and I can't make sense of any of it. I can't seem to take action on any of my thoughts because I barely complete it before another thought occupies its space.

One step at a time I guess, is what they say, but the question is in which direction do I take these steps?

All I know is, right now, all I want is you, and you're gone.

And I'm facing Worst Week alone.
again.

Life Has Gotten Complicated.

2010-07-03T22:29:00.002-05:00

I can't go into details at the moment (maybe not ever)
but my life has gotten WAY complicated the last couple weeks.
It involves my future and a little bit of my past and it scares the shit out of me.

this is my blog and I will swear if i want to.

It does not help that it is July
and my daughter's 5th angel day is coming up at the end of the month, and mine and bear's 7th wedding anniversary is also later this month.

I hate July. I hate it hate it hate it.
and now this complication.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

*tears*

repeat

2010-06-21T14:34:00.002-05:00

I haven't written here for a while. I am not really sure what to talk about. All I know is that every time I think of writing it all comes out as complaints and whines and woe-is-me.

Not that today will be any better. It is that time of year again... when my life started to fall apart 5 years ago. Of course at that time I didn't know it was falling apart.

Right about now I was still stuck in the hospital... but no one had really explained the seriousness of the situation. Every day they had told me I could go home tomorrow but then tomorrow would come and they'd say the same thing. It took my husband at least 5 days to bring me clean underwear because every day he thought he was coming to pick me up. I was in the hospital for at least 12 days, maybe 13. In any case no one told me I should be on bedrest so I spent most of my time pacing up and down the halls because I was so bored.

Anyway, I am not going to get into all that, you can read about it on my other blog from my posts last year or I guess by now it was the year before.

I am in a slump because this time of year is very hard on me and again I feel very alone. I am trying to look for a new job but all I can think is that I don't really want to work or at least not any of the jobs that are available that I could actually stand a chance to get.

In addition to that I don't have any references. I have lost touch with most of my old references and some of them I have lost trust in as well. That is why I didn't apply for a couple jobs that I might've had a chance otherwise... their job ads asked specifically for references.

Another problem these days is that people seem to be trying to piss me off. I'm sure it's not really like that but that's how I feel. Take for example that lately the weather has been crazy here so I've been switching back and forth between a/c and heat alot over the last few weeks. My pilot light keeps going out. So, I have had to call hydro to come 2 or is it 3 times now to relight it as it is an old furnace (but in good condition) and the last time the guy came he told me that i should get a cover for the fan to keep it from blowing out my pilot light. He told me that the furnace company that we have used (they have a sticker on the furnace) in past would be able to cover it for me. So I phoned. The lady on the other end was just RUDE to me. She kept telling me that it will be $85 / hour plus parts. I asked her well how much approximately is the part? and she got all snotty and told me that she is not a technician. Well seeings how I am broke, I am not exactly willing to have them come here for $85 only to find out the part is $200 and have to have them come back when I have the money and then end up having to pay $285 because they came back a second time in addition to the $85 original peek.

Later I found out they have an email and so I emailed hoping to get a better response. Again the person on the other end says "85/hr plus parts" I write back and say can you give me an estimate on the cost of the fan cover. They write back that they have no clue what I am talking about and that it will be $85/hr plus parts.

I am so miffed. My pilot light has gone out again and it's rainy again, so i need a little bit of heat. I have no money so I can't just let them come here for $85 for nothing or to come back again at another time to pay again.

I'm tired of calling hydro to come and relight it only to have the next day be hot and have to put the a/c on again and repeat.

and by the way, we have always liked their services before. but usually my husband called and he never questioned anything like that, he would hang up and then grumble about the situation. But not me, I will argue if I must.

I'm tired of my whole life being repeat and nothing getting done for one reason or another... my body aching, the weather (rain rain and more rain with a few way too hot days), mosquitoes, time, money,

I'm just rambling here and not even using proper sentence structure and grammar which is also driving me insane but I need to get it all out of my head. Not that it really helps.

I am also getting a bit frustrated with my work, I am loving the job that I do but I am not getting any further ahead in it. My income is really low and is being spent on my supplies, therefore no extra money for bills and such. I am getting frustrated because people are not wanting to come to my card classes or even my open house, but yet I have to spend the time and money to prep for each one "just in case"...

Is it all a waste of time? I really don' know how I can physically work at a "real" job for 8 hours plus a day and then come home and do all my housework, yardwork, errands like grocery shopping, and then my stampin' up job as well. I don't know, and so because I'm really not sure I can do it, I am putting off REALLY looking for a new job but that is not helping my situation either.

I am hoping to have a yardsale later this summer. one of my neighbors put a notice in everyone's mailboxes asking if we wanted to have a block sale this upcoming weekend and I really would but i don't know if I could get everything ready in time plus I would need help lugging stuff out of the basement. also with the rain and the mosquitoes, etc. I am just not really up to it. I am hoping that I will get help to have my own later this summer. I have been going through everything, so far I've got like 10 boxes of stuff to sell as well as my old entertainment unit and microwave cart and a couple other biggies.

but i'm so busy planning my open house for the new catalogue launch, so I'm just hoping that people show up to that. I have prepped supplies for make n takes for 20 people but so far I have only heard people say they are NOT coming, with exception of a few maybes. and I don't really trust "yes"es anymore.

well anyway i shall stop rambling and get on with my day , I have been trying to force myself to go upstairs and get dressed so I could go to the bank today. I was up at 6 and raring to go but the bank doesn't open til 9:30 so I got busy and distracted and now it's almost 3 pm and I've done nothing much. (okay that's not entirely true, i mowed the back yard and cleaned up the doggie poo before it rained and I made 8 cards for the fellow demos all before 10 AM but since then I have done nothing and I'm already on my 4th coke of the day which is really bad, and all I've eaten is a couple chunks of cheese but I can't think straight enough to decide what to eat. bleh.

Final Relay Update

2010-05-15T22:16:00.002-05:00

My entire team (except 1) has backed out.

So I will not be taking part in this relay.

On the upside, I raised over $700 for the Canadian Cancer Society, and so far no one wants their donation back now that the team ceases to exist. So, it will still go towards the cause.

On the downside, I will spend the Relay weekend wallowing instead of partaking in something meaningful.

I know what you'll say.... do something else instead. I'm sure I could come up with many things I could do instead, but it won't change the fact that I am not able to do this.

Yes, I know I could join another team, but I really don't want to.

By the way, my last post was written a few minutes after they rest of the team decided to tell me they were backing out. On a day that was already a bad calendar day and I had almost made it through the day when their email popped up on my screen just as I was about to go to bed.

Needless to say, it's been a rough week.

Untrustworthy

2010-05-09T23:52:00.002-05:00

People wonder why I am not quick to believe them when they say that they will do something. It's because time and time again they prove to me they are not trustworthy. They always have an excuse or something always comes up. They promise to be there for me, but they are not. They are too busy, too tired, too poor, I am all of those things and yet, I am still here and still would rather scrape up a few pennies to go for coffee even when I haven't slept in a week, or just so happen to have 20000 things to do that day.

They wonder why I'm so moody and why I no longer go out of my way to call them or email them.

It's because, in the end, I'm the one who's always disappointed.

My family thinks I hate them... that's not true. I just don't trust them....

and I can't handle the disappointments, the brush-offs, the being the least important on the list. I'm tired, man, I am so so so tired.

Unfortunately the alternative is to be totally and utterly alone in this world.

except, i already feel that I am.

Done

2010-04-26T17:21:00.002-05:00

I don't think I can do this much longer.

Today is the captain's dinner for the relay for life, and yet again I can not go. I can't because not one person was willing to go with me.

I'm sick and bloody tired of all this. I'm so tired of people telling me i should get out of the house and then never wanting to do anything with me. Oh I'm sorry, I mean "can't" do anything. Bullfuckingshit. No one is ever that busy.

whatevs.

I'm done.

I doubt I'll even go to the Relay now. I will hand in the $ on bank day and wish them good luck.

From now on, I will not ask anyone to do anything with me. I will not ask anyone for their help. I will just fade away in the background, and hopefully disappear altogether.

2010-04-10T22:55:00.002-05:00

I am thinking of making this blog private. I don't think many people read it anymore, but making it private may help me know who is reading it. Not that it really matters if the whole world reads it or not but.. please let me know if you want an invite to read this if I make it private.

I know my last few posts have been negative-nelly but I tend to post on here during bad moments. It is not always bad, just so you know.

I've been keeping myself quite busy these days, by my standards anyway. It may not seem so busy compared to some other people's lives.

I have claimed this year to be for "The Great Purge of 2010" and so far I have really been busting my ass in the purging department. So far it is mostly papers. I have filled up several recycling bins and have at least 2 full boxes of papers to be shredded and 2 bags already shredded. I have thrown out tons of garbage and put tons of stuff in boxes to give away. I'm hoping to have a yard sale first and see if I can make any money off my crap. I have a garbage bag of clothes to give away and a bag of linens as well. This is not even counting the boxes etc. that B and I filled up just prior to finding out his cancer was back, when this was supposed to be "The Great Purge of 2008" (although honestly while I was purging stuff then it wasn't quite as ruthless as it is now. I am finding myself less attached to"stuff"... I no longer feel the need to keep something because so-and-so gave it to me.(sorry!) My new policy is that if I don't love it/use it/need it - it's gone. I mean yes, I still struggle with some things but mostly I am doing a pretty good job. I think though, that if people come over though they won't notice much of a difference yet. But I do, and frankly that's all that matters.

So, that was my somewhat positive post, so that you don't think I'm miserable 100 % of the time.

Thanks for sticking with me, if you're still reading.

2010-04-04T23:00:00.001-05:00

i miss you, bear & babybear

Trapped

2010-04-04T17:35:00.002-05:00

Quite literally in fact.
someone has blocked my gate with heavy rocks.
I can't open my gate.
I guess it's just as well.
I'm gonna rot here anyway.
unfortunately I won't die.
that is my punishment for being born.
happy fucking easter.

2010-03-25T18:01:00.002-05:00

I feel like all I do these days is complain. I think it feels that way because I don't have anyone here to talk to about things, so I let it out on my blogs.

I have been frustrated with lack of communication. It certainly doesn't help that I'm Deaf and can't hear on the telephone and really dislike using the Relay service. (Last year I heard of a company called Viable Vision which uses a video phone with signing interpreters as opposed to an operator that relays what you're typing - unfortunately they discontinued use in Canada almost immediately after they started, much to my dismay! I did, however, get the chance to see it in person at my friend's house before it discontinued and it was awesome! I really hope it comes back. In the main time I'm hoping to try out Skype soon and see if the hearing person can type while I talk with my voice. I recently tried OOVOO with my Deaf friends which is pretty good too but you have to open a separate screen to type so that makes it a little harder. With my deaf friends though, we just sign. - anyway - point - i am hoping that it will open up communication with others to help ease my frustrations and theirs)

I think people think that I expect them to always be right there for me, at my beck and call, which is so not true. I just want communication. I feel that lately people say "maybe"a lot lately. So, for example, with my first and second workshop, almost everyone said "maybe" they will come, and I had to prepare for it but did not know how many people to prepare for. It added stress that I really did not need since I was already feeling quite apprehensive. Right up til the moment the first person arrived I really wondered if anyone would come.

The other thing that's been happening lately is people will offer their help or offer to come visit "soon" but never say when they will come by, or it just never happens. It's not that I expect people to help, but it feels like empty promises. It has gotten to the point that I never believe people when they say they will come for a visit.

I have people who say "let's get together this weekend" (or whatever date) and follow that up with "I'll let you know when and what time and where" but then that day comes and goes and the person either doesn't contact me or waits til very late in the day and has some excuse. This is not one specific person I'm talking about, but a few.

Maybe the excuses are valid, I don't know. But I just feel like I'm such a low priority for people, and it is weeks or months before I see people. People who claim to care and maybe they do but... sometimes actions speak louder than words.

When I do have people come over, it is usually just for a few minutes. Never long enough for much of a visit. Certainly never long enough to have a meal. I have a deep freeze full of stuff that's too much for just me to eat on my own. I have tried to invite people over but it seems never to work out.

I feel bad. I don't want people to feel guilty for not having time, but sometimes I wonder if they really don't have time, or if they just don't want anything to do with me. It is hard to know sometimes.

When I do get invitations to do something, it's usually something that the person knows I would not have any interest in doing or at a time when they know I will not want to/be able to. It always seems that people pick the same day to ask me to do something or It's when I've got an appointment or something.

I feel strains in my friendships and relationships. I feel that I am frustrated with everyone and then they get frustrated with me being frustrated. Or they feel harassed because I will keep emailing them reminders or "well how about this or that or this " because no set plans are made.

I can be spontaneous but when you've been through what I've been through, sometimes knowing that things will work out (even something as minor as a coffee date) can really be helpful.

When my husband was in the hospital, I had people emailing me and saying things like "well if I have time I'll come in to see him after work some day next week" and then he was gone so fast and people were all upset because they never got to see him. He died thinking that people just did not care about him.

One of my greatest fears these days is that I will die and no one will even notice until months later when my neighbors start complaining of the stink coming from my house. My other fear is that I will get injured or wake up paralyzed and not be able to do anything about it except rot away. This fear has been made worse by my body being in alot of pain lately. Last night, while rolling over in bed, my neck snapped. I was so scared! It was more scary than the fact that I can't feel my legs when I lay on my side. It's made worse because I'm alone.

Anyways, I don't really know the point of this post. I don't think anyone really reads this blog anymore. I really don't know what I hope to achieve by writing this. Perhaps I will alienate people more. I realize that communication is a two way street, but with my hearing loss, I can only really communicate through my email, through texts, or through relay. So, in other words, typing.

I also noticed too, that when I do see people in person, that I will talk and my throat goes dry and my voice gets all cracked. That's what happens when you don't get to talk to anyone but your dog.

Well anyway, enough of my complaints for the day. I hope things will get better soon. I don't expect drastic changes because I can't change other people and their habits, but I hope that maybe I can make people aware a little more. I need definite answers and plans. Not just 'maybe' and I need for people to understand why it frustrates me. Don't get mad at me when I am upset because I haven't gotten a response from you. I think people think they can only respond if it's a positive response. I got 2 people saying "well I never said I was going" in response to the relay for life (which they didn't respond until AFTER i got mad!) and I can only say that "no I'm not going" is a response as well. Even if I don't like it.

But I already covered that earlier so I won't get into it again tonight.

relay kick off etc

2010-03-24T22:59:00.002-05:00

I'm really upset.
tonight was the relay for life kick off.
not a single member of my team wanted to go.
which meant I couldn't go.
Now I"m not big on loud noisy socials but I wanted to go and see what it was all about.
I know there was food there, and that there were prizes that the teams could win. I thought it would be fun and get my team motivated. Most of them haven't even registered officially yet.

but most of all I thought it would be a chance to get out of the house for something other than an errand. everyone keeps telling me I should go out. but then no one wants to go out and do anything with me.

I'm not entirely disappointed about not going. I'm mostly disappointed in the lack of support I feel from my teammates. I feel like they don't really want to partake in this and only said they would because of feelings of obligation or something. I don't know.

The lack of communication is really what's bothering me, not just with these teammates but people in general. I'm feeling more alone everyday.

When B was here at least I had someone. Now I have no one.

Thank goodness for my dog.

2010-03-22T18:39:00.003-05:00

I've got a headache I can't shake. it's been hanging around for 3 days, it gets better after tylenol then comes back. i hope my BP isn't too high but it might be. it might also be because of seasonal change and the fact I'm not getting much rest (even when I sleep). Plus I've been stressing alot lately. Part of it is because people are really ticking me off with their lack of common courtesy. And with their roundabout ways. I can't seem to get straight responses from people and the word "maybe" has become one of my least favorite words in the English vocabulary.

I am also really getting annoyed (disgusted!) by these anti-smoking commercials that are meant to scare people into quit smoking. Idiots, don't you know that the smokers are outside having their smokes during commercial breaks?! Queasy Non Smokers like me are inside. And the worst part too is that it has this music or sound that makes me look up at the tv when it comes on even if I am not watching the tv! I really really really do not need to see that woman with a hole in her neck one more time.

Seriously, if my life wasn't so fucked up and my family wasn't all dead, I would quit watching tv right now because of that disgusting commercial and wait for dvd's of everything. ugh.

I haven't been writing on my blogs much lately because I really can't seem to form any full sentences and I am just ugghhhhhh about alot of things right now.

the mud, ohmigod the mud, did I mention it in my last post the other day? ughh I don't think it's ever going to go away.

well i probably have more to say but I can't think.

just me

2010-03-18T14:37:00.003-05:00

I haven't written on this blog in over a month. I haven't even written on my regular everyday blog in a while either. Why? Well, the biggest reason is I really don't know what to say. Anything I can think of comes out as whine whine whinnnnnne.

In addition to that my computer has been really slow and the space bar has broken right off. I have come accustomed to the little button that makes the spaces but it is still annoying. My printer tells me it's out of paper when it's not and then jams the paper when it accepts it. Yeah, it's been fun.

I have also been busy with my Stampin' Up career that I have just started but most of all I have been in a funk. Some days I realize I haven't done a thing all day. Some days I am busy all day but with my pain and my f'd up sleep schedule, I am not getting much done.

Thankfully keeping busy helps but I am still in a funk.

It also doesn't help that my life has been on auto repeat lately. Seriously, yesterday I washed the floor 3 times. You can't even tell. Yes, I know that's a side effect of spring but it is ticking me off because I have been struggling so hard to get this place back in some sort of normalcy and decluttered.

That's the other thing I've been doing... I have dubbed it "The Great Purge of 2010." Well even though I have purged ALOT (mostly papers) I feel like I have not yet made a dent despite my efforts. My body has been fighting me and aching whenever I try to do anything other than be a bum.

To add salt to my wounds, I got a letter today telling me that, sorry, the fact you're deaf does not make it easy for us so we are not going to allow you to come to our school. Gee, thanks for wasting the last year of my life with this.

Didn't I warn you earlier in this post that everything I say now comes out in a big ol' WHINE?

I guess the positives now are that the snow is gone from my yard. It would not surprise me though if we have more snow on the way. But the snow melted helped in the sense I was able to get the dog poo cleaned up from my yard. It would've taken a normal person less than an hour to get it done, it took me two days. But I did it.

Today it is a bit cold but it has been nice all week which is really nice for March. We often do not get spring like weather until May so this is nice, I had no complaints about the weather, just the mud that has taken over my back yard and has transplanted itself onto my floor via a certain pup's paws. No matter how much I try to clean her paws they are dirty, the mud is that sticky kind. I gave her a little bath the other day, no shampoo, just water. She hates baths. (well showers) (which is odd because she loves being doused by the hose outside) But then I decided to use a bowl of water and dip her feet in there, that helps a bit but I'm running out of cloths I can use. I have washed all her towels. I'll probably have to do that a few times a week til the ground solidifies. I hope this year I can get some grass put in where there is no grass, and I'm thinking of getting some cement slabs to put by the back gate which is where the most of the mud is and where she likes to run around and hop on her hind legs.

Unfortunately, money is scarce and even with my Stampin' Up, I am still struggling to get through. I had to borrow B's rsp money to pay some bills but I am quickly going to run out of that soon, too. Thing is I like the Stampin' Up so far but I think I am going to have to get another job in addition to it. I just can't seem to get started with looking for a job, I know my hearing affects my ability to do anything and I hate to waste time. Plus the truth is I don't really want to do anything else so that makes it harder too.I know I have to and I'm responsible to a fault.

The other thing too that's getting to me is this world's lack of common sense and common courtesy. People walking across people's lawns because they are lazy and can't use sidewalks. People not replying to email or letters or phone messages. I am tired of the lack of common courtesy to the point that I feel I am going to end up in the nuthouse because I am always having to remind people. I am always having to harass people because they didn't reply to my original messages or because they tell me they are going to do something and then don't.

Well I don't know what else to say. Like I said, everything I say these days is a complaint and a whine. I don't like this but what can I do. It's my life... it sucks!

On the upside, I have the movies 2012 and The Time Traveler's Wife (the book is awesome!) to watch this weekend and I have a workshop on Sunday which I hope hope hope will bring in a bit of income.

Valentine

2010-02-14T10:23:00.002-06:00

8 years ago today...

2010-02-08T01:57:00.002-06:00

8 years ago today was a special day.... read more HERE.

Relay for Life Update

2010-02-01T18:32:00.003-06:00

I have come up with a team name and registered. I'm trying to get the courage to post about it because the fund raising page has my name on it. I'm always a bit leery to share real-life information online.

Need Name Suggestions for Relay for Life Team

2010-01-26T16:12:00.001-06:00

I am creating a relay team in honor of my husband.
I can't decide on a name.
I'm thinking "Bear Hugs"
because his nickname was Bear
and his cancer blog has Bear Hugs in the title.
But it doesn't really sound like a team name, does it?

I'm open to suggestions...
any ideas?
I'm hoping to set up the team on the Cancer Society site tonight
so rack your brain and help me come up with a name!

I don't get it

2010-01-25T18:33:00.000-06:00

You wanted to live.

I wanted to die.

You're dead.

I"m alive.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!?!?!?!

Sometimes I Think It'd Be Better To Stink

2010-01-22T17:35:00.002-06:00

Something I noticed....
almost every time I have a shower
I find myself bawling.

What is it about the hot water hitting me that opens up the tear ducts?

It's not that I don't cry any other time, but I get into hysterical cries almost anytime I shower.

and as I'm crying, I'll think back to a day shortly after his 3rd surgery, when he was home recovering. I had come home from work and was having my shower and I started thinking about him having his surgery and cancer and how unfair it was and I burst out crying so hard I nearly fell down.

He somehow managed to bring himself upstairs without help to see why I was crying. I said I didn't know. I just had an awful feeling that he was being taken away from me too.

and thinking about that day makes me cry even more.

Why is it my gut feelings are always dead on?! (no pun intended)

Relay for Life

2010-01-22T10:53:00.003-06:00

I have been trying to recruit people to join my team on the Relay for Life.

So far, I have had a few people say they can't, I have had 1 person say they want to be on my team, a couple maybes and the rest I have not even heard from yet.

The problem is, even though the event is not until May, I need to register my team (It must be a team of 10 people) ASAP and start fundraising. So I do need answers immediately.

I really REALLY want to do this.

I can join another team, if I want, but I would really like to set up a team in memory of my husband.

I don't know if any of Bear's IRL friends and family read this anymore, but I thought I'd post about it anyway. Please, Please, Please join the team! Most of you know how to get a hold of me or leave a comment where I can get ahold of you.

Click HERE to read more about the Relay for Life.

And for those of you who are unable to actually participate for physical reasons can still come out and cheer the team on (if I get a team together) and if you're physically too far away to attend, you can support with fundraising. All proceeds go towards the Canadian Cancer Society. Once I get a team going, I will let you know how to donate to support my team.

Truth is, I am not expecting much physical support. I have been putting on the Walk to Remember for Pregnancy and Infant Loss since 2007 and have never had any IRL family or friends show up, save for my brother this past October (who is one of the ones who can't attend the Relay for Life).

Please show your support. :(

WTH? LOL or Not?

2010-01-11T22:35:00.003-06:00

Okay so I just checked in here and saw a comment from a "Loser Paul" (seriously that's what the name was) who certainly lived up to his name, by asking me if either I, or someone I know is looking for a "good husband" and if so, then this is my lucky day!

Needless to say I rejected that comment, but it sure made me laugh. I don't know if it was a ha-ha-funny-laugh or a life-sucks-mind-as-well-laugh-laugh.

Ugh, WTH, here I am 34 yrs old and thrusted back into the single scene. Not that I'm planning on dating anyone anytime soon, or ever again, really, but if I even wanted to, the world is full of losers and the ones who are not losers are already married, or gay. And I ain't one for one-night-stand even if I could manage to find someone interested. Ha! That'd be the day!

Whatever. But thanks, "Loser Paul" for reminding me yet again, that I've lost a good husband. I do not need a "good husband" as you claim to be!

new year

2010-01-03T01:51:00.002-06:00

I'm sorry I didn't say "happy new year" to you.

What is so happy about starting another year without you? Not much, not much at all.

Today, or, rather, yesterday now, was 2 years (two years!) since you had your first surgery, removing that gawd awful lump off your chest.

But you know what?

I'd take that lump back, if it meant having you too.

I'm sorry I bugged you about that lump and made you go see the doctor about it. I'm sorry that I talked you into having it removed.

If I hadn't, maybe you'd still be here today. Certainly you would not have had to live the last months of your life in pain as you did, with 3 surgeries and radiation. Sure, maybe you still would've lost use of your legs and all but you wouldn't have endured as much as you did. Perhaps the cancer would not have gotten so angry and spread throughout your body.

I don't think I can forgive myself for being so vain and telling you that you should get rid of it it's an eyesore.

Thing is, you weren't. I wanted to see you, not this ugly lump on your chest. It was a distraction and I'm a weakling. I am one to talk, being the way I am. But it wasn't until you said it was starting to hurt that I felt the need to pressure you even more about removing it. How was I to know? The doctor said it was a fatty deposit.

But I digress...

This year I told myself I will be more positive in my grief. Meaning I will try and find a positive spin. Well, perhaps that is a strong way of putting it. I guess... what I am trying to say is... less whiny. I think I can be sad and yet articulate myself in a way that doesn't come off as a cry baby.

But when it comes to my bears, baby and her papa, I find it so hard to get past the smokescreen of grief.

I read blogs and articles written by my fellow bereaved, but yet they write in ways that are so beautiful and intelligent and I feel like this lowly deafie who barely knows how to speak. (Now before you criticize me for saying that, I *am* deaf, so I'm only judging myself) But any intelligence I may have goes flying out the window when I speak in my moments of grief. I need to learn to write only in my calm moments, or to at least not publish without editing.

But in doing that ,will I be true to how I really feel, how grief really is? I have been told by some of my readers that my honesty is refreshing, but you know, many of those people are mourners as well. And while I do not want people to think I am depressed and suicidal, I also don't want them to think that everything is A.OK with me either. Perhaps there is some middle ground, some way of making both sides of the fence called grief be aware and yet be truthful in all manners. I'm not one to sugarcoat.

I'm sure I have a whole lot more to say tonight but I'm finding myself nodding off, so I shall end this post now, while I can still form whole words.

Happy New Year, Bear and babybear. ♥

christmas.

2009-12-26T01:09:00.003-06:00

I spent all day trying to figure out what to say....

but the only thing I can think of is

Merry Christmas. I love you. I wish you were here.

That is true every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.

as predicted, I spent the day alone (other than the pup). I watched a few movies and tried to pretend like it was any other day. I tried not to be sad there was no tree, no stockings, no gifts.
No turkey, no treats, no bears. :(

Plenty of snow though, as it has been snowing non stop for over 24 hours now.

I might've actually done christmas if anyone actually wanted to come and spend it with me.

But you were the only one who loves christmas as much as I did.

I don't know what else to say, so I better stop before I feel worse.

today's post

2009-12-23T11:13:00.001-06:00

read over here

Life's Lesson

2009-12-19T10:02:00.002-06:00

So, in the past few weeks, I have lost even more friends. I think once you hit the one year mark you're supposed to magically be happy again.

The worst part of this is that one of the friends I've lost is a fellow angel mommy who should know better that there is no time line for grief.

I am not going to get into it right now. I spent all night awake and upset about this. I would not say this person was a close friend, in fact, other than our angel babies, we had not much in common. So losing this person as a friend is not what hurts me most. It's the fact that I am losing my ability to trust people and to know who actually cares about me. It's that I am afraid that people are going to turn on a dime and suddenly hate me, just as this person did, and the previous friendship that dissolved a couple weeks ago.

I am getting tired of all the excuses for these people leaving being that I haven't "gotten over it" yet. Well let me spell it out for you right now. I am NEVER going to "get over it".

And you know, I could be doing MUCH worse than I am now. I could be completely non-functional, and if I were non-functional, I'd be dead by now but somehow I've managed to get out of bed every day and make my own meals so I don't starve. I've managed to go to the grocery store and buy the groceries even though god knows I don't ever want to leave the house.

I am just so tired of people .... I'm seriously at a point where I feel that maybe I should just drop everyone and accept the fact that I'm meant to be alone, alone alone.

and I'm tired of people saying they are here for me, and all that. Actions speak louder than words.....

2009-12-14T19:36:00.002-06:00

I can't even remember the last time I saw anyone in real life.

my only friend is the computer and I'm starting to hate the computer.

I'm tired of being alone all. the. time.

gosh I think I would be certifiable if I didn't have my dog. at least I can hug her and talk to her, but she can't talk back and she can't hug me the way I need to be hugged right now.

I'm tired of all these tiny things going wrong making my day more miserable than it needs to be.

how much longer... are we there yet....
wait wait wait

truth is i'm probably already dead and in hell (It's COLD here... where's the fire?)

my own private hell.
alone.
cold.

bear,

2009-12-11T20:53:00.002-06:00

I'm running out of things to say to you, except those moments when I yell at you for leaving me alone.

I hate yelling, and I hate crying.

Yet that's all I seem to do.

One or the other, and sometimes both at the same time.

i wish it was january

2009-12-07T21:59:00.004-06:00

december sucks.

fyi

2009-12-05T22:47:00.001-06:00

i miss you.

so I didn't get my birthday wish

2009-12-05T00:19:00.001-06:00

but I survived my birthday just to be slapped in the face with the 1st anniversary of his funeral date.

yee haw.

kill me now.

cross fingers

2009-12-04T10:15:00.001-06:00

please please PLEASE let me see my family today.

it's all i want for my birthday.

bear's birthday cake

2009-11-30T11:25:00.002-06:00

I made Bear this cake. Most of it will go in the freezer. Only one person showed up for cake, so only the ears are gone. I guess shopping and football (stupid Grey Cup) were more important to most people. I'm sure there were other excuses too. But no one said the real reason....they don't want to be around a sad, miserable person. Well, I can tell you that during that 1 hour that someone was here was the only hour of the entire day that I was not miserable.

So Bear died 2 days before his birthday. Babybear died and was born 3 days later.

My birthday is on Friday. Hopefully, I will have the same fate to die a few days before my birthday. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Oh wait.

I never get what I want.

(happy) birthday, bear

2009-11-29T10:10:00.002-06:00

Today is Bear's 39th birthday....
... except he will forever be 37.

Survivor

2009-11-26T19:21:00.003-06:00

Last year, the American Thanksgiving was on November 27th.

I was watching Survivor just as I am this very moment. Except, I wasn't really watching it. I had pulled the chair next to his bed and I held his hand. Every so often he would make a gasp and I would get worried.

Sometime, maybe half way through Survivor, I felt a chill go through the air, and I felt like something hit me in the chest.

I literally jumped out of my chair and began the biggest freak-out of my lifetime.

I can not relive it right now because it hurts too much. But you can read about the freak out HERE. It is because of this that my husband left me, I am certain. No one will ever convince me otherwise. My daughter died when I had a freak out and my husband died when I had a freak out. That can not be a coincidence.

And so, today is the American Thanksgiving and the only thing I'm grateful for at the moment is that I am Canadian and I already dealt with Thanksgiving this year.

Tomorrow will be 1 year since the day he died at 8:40 pm.

Sunday will be his birthday. He should be turning 39 this year.

He always joked to me that he wouldn't live to see 40.

Deep down, he must've known it to be true.

I always joked that he often acted like an old man.

How ironic that he was already past middle aged when we met on my 18th birthday, which was just a few days after his 23rd.

I've been trying to keep myself busy with organizing my house this week. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I had the thought this afternoon as I threw some old bank statements into the pile for shredding that pretty soon there'll be nothing to show he was real.

Pretty soon his existence will completely vanish.

There'll be no child to continue his branch the family tree, for the only child he had died too. My branch has stopped with me too.

I can't believe it's been a year.

*tears*

Why couldn't he have been a Survivor.... and not the kind on tv...?

candlelighting

2009-11-21T20:11:00.003-06:00

Last night I went to a candlelighting ceremony that was put on by the local Compassionate Friends.

Bear and Babybear's photos up on the "Children Remembered" table

Bear and Babybear's candles

don't blame me.... I didn't make up the rules

2009-11-19T21:08:00.004-06:00

So lately, I have been getting this feeling that people feel like I'm making up the rules of grief.

They say things like "well you shouldn't be upset"

or

"you can't say things like that"

or

"I wish I could help you.... but I can't because...."

Last week I put out a quick invite to anyone who wants to come over for cake next week on what would be my husband's 39th birthday.

I quickly got "no I can't" replies from a few people. They all had excuses. A couple said "well maybe you can plan it another day." I have no say in the day my husband was born or the day he died. Just the same as I did not plan my daughter's death nor birth dates. I quickly removed and cancelled the invite.

I am so sorry that it inconvenienced you all.

That you'd rather go shopping for sales than have some cake with me.

I'm sorry that I'm so fucking depressing to be around.

Maybe I wouldn't be if I didn't feel so alone all the fucking time.

Maybe I wouldn't be if I felt like I mattered and that there was a reason to stay alive in this hell on earth.

But don't you dare blame me.

I didn't make up the rules of grief.

can't do this much longer

2009-11-17T21:02:00.002-06:00

it hurts too much.

please let me see my family.

please.

*cry*

:(

2009-11-16T20:27:00.001-06:00

I'm sad.

awaiting crashburn

2009-11-15T14:11:00.002-06:00

okay i have been trying really hard to get stuff done around my house because I know there will be a crashburn very soon. Emotionally, that is. With Bear's Angel day (Nov. 27) and his birthday (Nov. 29) and my birthday (Dec. 4), his funeral anniversary (Dec. 5) and Christmas coming up I don't know how much I can take emotionally.

I have just hesitantly sent out an invite on Facebook to a few local family/friends to join me for cake on his birthday. I hesitate because I have already experienced the fact that people do not like to celebrate the birthdays and angel days of those who have gone on to heaven without us. When my daughter died in 2005, we had a little memorial service for her. We did not have a funeral because we were worried no one would come. Well people did come to her memorial (it was just in our back yard and we did not have a minister or anything join us because, as mentioned, we really did not think anyone was going to come. It was also about 2 months after she died too because it took us that long to decide we needed to do it for ourselves. (I should also point out that most of the people who came to this no memorial no longer speak to me)

Then in 2006 we had a little birthday party for her. but we reminded people that it was also our wedding anniversary so if they couldn't think of it as her birthday then they should think of it as our anniversary and come anyway. We had a few people come to that, and again in 2007. But in 2008, not a single person came. Everyone had excuses. Some of them were valid but most of them were not. That was our last anniversary together, our last chance to have a family gathering because just a few weeks later we found out Bear's cancer was back.

I don't think I will ever forgive my family and his for not showing up for that.

In 2009, obviously, it was just me and my dog. I did NOT invite anyone. But thankfully 3 of my friends decided to come over. One of them I only reunited with on Facebook after my husband was sick or maybe it was after he had already died, I can't remember. It wasn't much before he died if it was before, the other one I had only recently met, and another was a friend who's been there before.) But still, I hesitate to invite people because my experience in life is that no one shows up when I invite people. This is why I don't even invite people for coffee. I just leave it open "come whenever".

But I know, I know I can not do this alone. So I am trying again. Setting myself up for disappointment again.

I will make a cake, as I do for my daughter's birthday. I don't know how I will decorate it though. For hers I always did a bear theme. For her last one I made a Bear and a Babybear. I guess I will do the same this time. Last time I messed it up a bit though. I would like to take some cake decorating lessons someday, but not sure where to go. Will have to investigate.

I should point out that the invite situation happened long before I lost my daughter too. I had a few birthday parties that no one showed up to or other occasions, New Year's, or "just because". Sometimes I wonder if my friends are really my friends or if they hang out with me when they are bored and there's no one else to hang out with. Sometimes, I wonder if people really like me. I know most people don't. I don't blame them. I don't much like myself either.

Lest We Forget....

2009-11-11T15:21:00.003-06:00

babybear's bear with the poppy her daddy wore every year

Today is Remembrance Day.

It is a day we are to remember all the victims of war, past and present.

However, today I remember my bear and my babybear and the wars they fought to stay alive.

They may have lost their fight but they were definitely soldiers in a battle.

Babybear's battle against my body.
Bear's battle against his own.

And now I am battling to find my way to them.
At least I know that, eventually, I will win this battle.

And we will be reunited.

G'ma

2009-11-08T15:40:00.002-06:00

I think I've mentioned before that B's gramma has cancer now, too. I got an update this morning from B's uncle. He was trying to be all positive but the signs are the same as it was near the end of B's life. He couldn't eat, he was becoming cranky around me but tried to be happy-go-lucky around the nurses and visitors. I don't know. Maybe I've been ruined for life, but I can't think positive anymore. I only see the doom and gloom. Sure, she could live for another 20 years but positive thinking never worked for me before. Why disappoint myself any further?

Of course, I still hope for the best. But my experiences have harden my hope. I don't hold much hope for anything anymore. It's still there lurking below the surface but that's as far as it goes.

Is this any way to live? Knowing that things can and will only get worse. Knowing that even if I'm the tiniest bit happy, my sadness will always be greater? Knowing that, no matter what I fill it with, there'll always be a huge hole in my heart? Knowing that, no matter what good I've done in my life, the wrongs will always tip the scale? knowing that no matter how fast I run, no matter where I go, I'll always be there with me?

I started this post about B's gramma, but once again, I've selfishly turned it around to a post about me, and whine whine whine.

2009-11-07T15:34:00.000-06:00

I still haven't figured out how to live without you....

why the hell do I have to?

:(

The weather is really nice here for November. And no snow on the ground. We did have a little bit of snow early October but it was gone within a day or two. Today, E and I went to the doggy park. I had to take the leaves to the "leaf-it' depot anyway and realized they had one there, so away we went. She was so excited to be at the park. Well, heck to be out of our house and yard. I have not been very good at taking her for walks. I get too focused on my hip and leg pains that I don't take her or when I do we don't go very far. Maybe as long as it's nice outside I should take her to the park every other day or so , I tend to be able to walk further in a place like that. I don't know why. Even if it means driving there but worth it perhaps? I don't know. We went there earlier in the summer or late spring and I said I'd take her there 2 times a week. I'm such a liar.

Anyway, going to the park is kind of hard. We went there a few times before he got sick. Actually, the last time we went there, he was feeling pain, but we never really thought much of it other than perhaps because he had no muscles left in his chest.

You know, if I hadn't made him go back to the doctor and say he wanted that mass removed, he might still be alive. I mean he had that mass for years and years. The cancer in there was very tiny, like an inch or two around. I feel that we angered the cancer by removing it's home, so it reacted fiercely instead of slowly. I might've had him for a few more years instead of mere months. :(

Today, I was putting away my laundry... that I washed like a week ago...and one of the sweaters was actually his but I wear it sometimes. I put it back in his closet instead of mine today. And then I grabbed a bunch of his sweaters and just hugged them. It felt just like I was hugging him! I wish I was.

November

2009-11-02T12:47:00.002-06:00

November how I loathe you.

You may have given life to the one who I would marry, but you also gave him death.

A whole year?

How is that even possible?

It happened yesterday, in my heart and my mind.

How does one survive heartbreak? I don't even know, and yet, somehow, I'm still here.

Though, I hate being here so much.

I am anxious for my day to come, to be reunited with my family.

I can't believe I'm going to be all alone for another christmas. :(

and another one after that
and every single one til I fucking croak.

Some days I think that I should go to the gang infested areas of town and just loll around until I get caught in some crossfires. Wear some rival gang colors, that should do the trick.

But mostly, every night, I beg to not wake up.

But every morning I do.

When will this end?
will it ever?!

halloween

2009-10-31T16:08:00.001-05:00

(Yesterday I posted in my daily blog about it being my EDD anniversary. You can head over there if you want to read it.)

Today is Hallowe'en.

Another day I really would rather not deal with, but kinda hard not to when the trick-or-treaters will be knocking on my door. I was going to hide upstairs and watch tv but there's nothing on tv on Saturday's and my dvd player is in the living room. So.

In the end I decided to get some chips to honor my husband (he had a huge chip addiction) and just pass those out to the trick or treaters. Hopefully the evening will go by quickly and that most of the kids come early. Usually I shut off my outside light and refuse to open the door past 8:30 or so. I may shut it sooner. After about 7:30 usually it's just the big kids who are big enough to get their own damn candy, anyway. But hopefully I will run out long before that then I can put up my "OUT OF CANDY" sign. or whatever. I just hope the dog won't bark bark bark. Last year she did okay, she barked at the first few kids and then after a while realized they were scary anyway. lol. I had treats out for her and had her stay on her mat most of the time. But she was recently trained and it was still working. It doesn't seem to work any other time, I dunno why. I hope it will work tonight because I just don't think I'll be able to deal otherwise. It also helped last year that the couch was where it was supposed to be and I could see the kids coming up to the door. This year, my couch is not where it's supposed to be. growwl.

the year before daddy was still here so I put emma up in the bedroom with him. before that we didn't have her yet.

This sucks.

I wish I could just disappear.

11 months

2009-10-28T00:23:00.002-05:00

Today, or rather, yesterday now, was 11 months since my Bear flew away.

My heart still hurts with every beat.

I miss my family so much, bear and babybear.

Afterwards

2009-10-26T16:12:00.002-05:00

So I came back from my whirlwind trip.... to this horrible life that is my "normal".

and I am reminded again, just how alone I am.

who knew this house could become even more empty?

2009-10-22T19:41:00.003-05:00

My cousin came and picked up my dog today. I sure miss her. My house feels so empty!! As if it didn't already feel empty.

My flight is at 7 AM, just over 11 hours from now. Hopefully I will get a nap in. I snoozed for all of 5 minutes so far. Hopefully a little more. I've got a couple more things to pack but am mostly ready. I hope. I hate airports. Alot of that is because of my hearing loss. I will worry the whole time that I will miss announcements or something.

But I'm going and I'm hoping I'll have a good time. This is my first-ever major trip. And going somewhere where I don't already know people. I'll be meeting a few of my online friends there but no one I already know will be there.

I'm taking a leap of faith. My husband died feeling like he did nothing with his life... at least now I'll be able to say I did something once.

And even if it means I don't eat for the next year, I don't care. I wonder if my pup is too old to train to be a service dog (she's only 2 but usually service dogs are trained right from the get go) then she could come with me everywhere.

Going Away

2009-10-21T18:36:00.002-05:00

I'm going away for a few days, and not just to my hometown.

I'm hopping on a plane and getting out of here.

My cousin has agreed to take care of my dog while I'm gone so she will be in good hands.

We never went anywhere. It was too expensive. Well that hasn't changed but... I've gotten to the point where I don't care if I go completely broke. I'd rather go broke doing something fun or for myself than go broke and say well whatever did I do ?

So we shall see. Hopefully it'll all be worth it! At least I 'll be able to say I went somewhere once.

I wish you were coming with me.

2009-10-17T18:21:00.002-05:00

My heart hurts.

so bad.

I'm so alone.

People say they care...

but no one is here to show that they do...

:(

October 15th

2009-10-15T10:38:00.002-05:00

I will be lighting my candle at 7pm tonight for the world wide wave of light in honor of October 15th (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day) in memory of my daughter, and her daddy too, even though he's not an infant.

Dear Bear,

Please hold our babybear tight and give her lots of hugs and kisses from me today. Please tell her how much I love her and how I can not wait to see her again. Please tell her how much she means to me, and how I live my life for her even though she is not here.

Dear Babybear,

Please give your daddy a big ol' bear hug from mommy. Please tell daddy how much I love him and how I can't wait to see him again. Please tell him how much he means to me. Please tell him that I'll do my best to make him (and you) proud of me.

I wish we had been celebrating Thanksgiving last weekend. and that we were now preparing for Babybear's 4th birthday (she was due Oct. 30) and Halloween. I wish we could be together as a family, like we're supposed to be.

thanksgiving

2009-10-12T09:55:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving, Bear & Babybear.....
....I wish you were here...

*today is Thanksgiving here in Canada*

Blog is 1 year old

2009-10-11T09:57:00.001-05:00

I started this blog one year ago today after Bear ended up in the hospital.

a year ago today....

2009-10-10T19:51:00.003-05:00

.... you left home and never came back....

You were in the hospital from October 10th - November 27 when you died.

I can't believe I have lived without you for a whole year.

A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR!

*tears*

900 friggin bucks

2009-10-08T16:13:00.004-05:00

to fix the brakes in my car.

so I don't crash and die.

I must have been crazy....

cuz I got them fixed!

Apparently, it's Weird.

2009-10-08T16:10:00.002-05:00

I don't feel like getting into the whole thing right now but apparently my saying "my husband is dead" is a weird thing to say and that I should never say such a weird thing.

Well, perhaps the person/people who said this need to be taught that people die. Otherwise they are in for a big surprise when their time come. "what? death is real? I had no idea! I thought it was just some weird thing that weirdos make up!"

about the other promise

2009-10-07T17:28:00.001-05:00

.. I'm still waiting for that cheesecake you said you'd bake me if we got spring foam pans for our wedding .. which we did... and never used .... and we've been married for 6 years...

last chance to make good on your promise.

2009-10-06T22:45:00.000-05:00

come get me now.
I'm tired of waiting.

deleted my last post

2009-10-06T12:56:00.001-05:00

sorry i yelled at you.

i'm just frustrated.

:(

i think i made you up

2009-10-05T14:41:00.002-05:00

were you ever even here?
babybear was just a dream i had one night.
you were reoccurring dream... though it felt real.

but i dunno, maybe I made you all up.

maybe i'm really in some nuthouse in a padded room and i don't even realize it.

Panic and Pain and Hunger (aka "complain, complain, complain")

2009-10-04T19:34:00.005-05:00

I'm starting to feel panic about being alone all the time. Even though I saw people this week, the time I am alone is more pronounced. Maybe that's why? Maybe it's because I have too many long stretches alone that I really notice it when I've just had a chance to visit or be around people.

When I am around people, I find that I end up with sore throat from talking or feel like I'm going to pass out because I'm inhaling all this oxygen or that I'm trying to get as much into one short visit as I can. I try to be the best hostess so maybe they will come visit me more often. I don't know, is that pathetic? Does it even work? I realize people all have their own lives and that I am the only one who feels like there's long stretches between visits. I think also none of them have to be alone for this long length of time.

Because there are often long stretches between visitors, or because I don't know if/when anyone will come, I often give into my laziness or my pain, and ignore my housework, then I end up rush rush rush to get the house tidied up before they come. I am always so embarrassed that it's not perfect. I am overwhelmed all the time. I don't know how I am going to go back to work but I do have to by the new year, I don't see how I will be able to life off my husband's life insurance much longer, but the idea of going back to work has me hyperventilating. Especially right now with all my pain, and upcoming doctor's appointments (which so far have only amounted to more doctor's appointments.)

Speaking of my doctor's appointments. I had one last week and the doctor says that my pain does sound like rheumatoid arthritis and he sent me for some blood tests. I'm not sure how blood determines arthritis but he says it does. I had always thought xrays determined it. If it is not rheumatoid arthritis then it may be something else. The pain is in alot of my body. I don't know how I managed to do that walk yesterday when I can barely walk to the end of the block with Emma. I think it helped that I was distracted, but I did not move nearly as quickly as I did last year (not that I was ever all that quick) Last year I moved from the beginning to the end to the beginning taking photos, this year I mostly stayed in the middle the whole time and when we got back to the starting point I felt the pain and when I got home it was all I could do to unpack my van and throw as much as I could inside the door. Nothing has moved since then because I had to sit down after that and I barely moved the rest of the night. Heck I barely moved today. How can one 20 min walk wear me out so much?

I hate that all I do is complain. Is it no wonder people are staying as far away from me as possible?

I need some more quick dinner ideas. I rarely eat anything that's premade which means I make things from scratch. Now that I'm alone it's difficult because it feels like too much work, especially since I am the only one cooking (and doing everything else). I need some more easy ideas that won't leave a bad taste in my mouth. I guess you could say I'm picky, but I think I'm a bit of a foodie. [ food·ie (fd)n. Slang A person who has an ardent or refined interest in food.]

Well, speaking of food, I suppose I should go look for some.

I Wish You Had Been There Today

2009-10-03T20:28:00.002-05:00

Today was our 3rd Annual Walk to Remember. I wish you had been there. I kept looking to see if you were standing against the shelter like you were last year. I didn't see you. I looked and I looked.

I managed to get through the day fine but I was seriously missing both of you.

But when I got home I cried. :(

Why couldn't you have been there?

Why is there even a need for a walk?

Next year I might join the cancer walk which is tomorrow. I am not up to it this year. Though I think it's "breast cancer walk" not all cancers, but I could be mistaken.

I wish you had been there. I wish you were here too.

a few minutes later...

2009-10-02T10:57:00.002-05:00

shortly after I posted my last post, the hydro guy came and got my pilot light going so I finally had heat, which lifted my spirits a bit. Then a little while after that my friend came by with her little 3 month old daughter and that lifted my spirits a bit more. Now I'm back to being sad but I'm grateful for those few moments of being less sad.

Tomorrow is our Walk to Remember (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness). I would skip it but I'm on the committee. (I started it in 2007). Its going to be hard because last year's walk was the last so-called outing I had with Bear. He couldn't walk though... he was too weak... but he was there at least. That was on Saturday. It was Thursday night that he fell down the stairs and Friday morning when he was taken to the hospital, never to return home. :(

Next weekend is Thanksgiving. I'm trying not to think about it. Last year I took pumpkin pie to the hospital for him....

A few days ago I was on my other blog. I have a thing on there that says "You might like this" and it shows links to 3 other posts for readers to read. Often it has something similar in topic to the post you just wrote, but sometimes it's just random. Anyway, that day a post featuring a menu plan back when I was doing well with menu planning came up. I then realized that it was featuring photos .... and one of the photos was of our last Thanksgiving at home together. You can see it HERE.

You know, in reading my husband's medical notes... the day he died... someone wrote in there something about how they talked to my mom and that she said I "refuse to spend any holidays with the family since her daughter died". What? That is a bullshit lie. We could not always travel for holidays due to the nature of my husband's job. One Christmas Day, he had to leave the house at 11pm to get to his job for midnight Dec. 26. So while he was technically scheduled to work on Dec. 26, he still left the house on Dec. 25th. Had we gone out of town, we would have had to leave there at like 6 pm to get home in time for him to have a quick rest and a bite to eat before he had to go to work. It is a nearly 3 hour drive to my parents and a nearly 4 hour drive to his parents.

BUT It was never because my daughter died. We had ALWAYS said that when we had our own house, we wanted to host holidays. It isn't OUR fault that our daughter died just one week after we moved into this house.

We never got to host a single holiday. NOT A SINGLE ONE.

It doesn't count that one time when my mom and my brother and I think a couple other people came too, on Christmas Eve 2 hours after we said dinner would be ready, and then staying in the morning just long enough to have coffee and away they went.

They did that last year too. Then I got to spend the whole day by myself. Less than a month after my husband died.

They thought I was refusing to go because of my daughter when I wasn't.... and now I *AM* refusing to go because of my daughter AND my husband.

I will be honest here and also say that one of the reasons we decided we wanted to have holidays here at our house (even before we moved here, it was always a plan) was because my family doesn't *really* care about holidays. Most of them don't even put up a tree. It means we sit there like a lump on logs barely speaking because no one has anything to say. My husband LOVED Christmas. It was BECAUSE OF HIM that we continued to celebrate holidays after our daughter.

I don't think I can do that anymore.

But anyway this started off as a positive post and is no longer...

I just noticed the time and I gotta get moving.

Angry Stage

2009-10-01T14:44:00.002-05:00

I am approaching the angry stage of grief.

I'm mad because you left me.

I'm mad because you're not here.

I'm mad because you were sick and didn't deserve it.

I'm mad because you couldn't walk for 2 months.

I'm mad because you had to die in a hospital and not at home.

I'm mad because you couldn't see Emma except that one time.

I'm mad that we wasted so much time waiting for things and now I'm trying not to wait anymore but circumstances are making me wait.

I'm mad because you were so sad.

I'm mad because I couldn't hug you for the last month of your life because it hurt.

I'm mad because you couldn't hug me either.

I'm mad that I couldn't even sit next to you on the bed because you needed a special air mattress.

I'm mad that you were too fearful to leave the 8th floor of the hospital.

I'm mad that not very many people came to visit you and that when they did most of them did not stay very long.

I'm mad that you died thinking no one cared, when more people than I could ever count cared about you.

I'm mad that you suffered for my sins.

I'm mad that I have no one here to talk to anymore.

I'm mad that I have to sleep alone except for emma which is great but not the same.

I'm mad that it takes longer to warm up in bed because I don't have your body heat there to warm me.

I'm mad that summer went by so fast and it was mostly a miserably wet summer and now it's barely fall and freezing.

I'm mad that I have to go to the Walk to Remember without you.

I'm mad that I even have a reason to go to the Walk to Remember.

I'm mad that I live in a dinky house.

I'm mad that we never finished the renovations we started.

I'm mad that I don't have a 4 year old.

I'm mad that people kill babies and mine just died.

I'm mad because I live in a 3 bedroom house and there's no one else.

I'm mad that my breaks are squeaking in the car which means I'll probably have to take them in to be fixed.

I'm mad that it cost $495 for a DVR so I can't tape more shows. The VCR works but I can only tape one show at a time with it. I'm mad because I watch too much tv but what else can I do?

I'm mad because life sucks.

I'm mad because I can't get my house cleaned.

I'm mad because I am in pain all the time but my pain is just chronic, not life threatening.

I'm mad that I'm not any closer to seeing you again.

I'm mad that everyone else has at least some happy moments.

I'm mad that we didn't TTC again, even though I know that baby probably would've died too.

I'm mad because it's been over a year since *that*.

I'm mad because everything takes longer than it should.

I'm mad because things are not done.

I'm mad because I'm 33 years old and all alone. And I thought it sucked being 25 and alone.

I'm mad because I'm deaf.

I'm mad because I have such a difficult time getting jobs that I can't bring myself to look for one now.

I'm mad because I hate working and I have to.

I'm mad because money is draining from my bank account.

I'm mad that everything costs so much just to live comfortably.

I'm mad because I don't have enough time to write down all the things I'm mad about.

I'm just MAD.

10 months

2009-09-26T23:47:00.000-05:00

Today is 10 months since Bear went to be reunited with Babybear.

And left me behind.

I'm still waiting for him to come get me. He promised.

2009-09-24T23:26:00.001-05:00

i miss u

(just in case you didn't know)

yard work

2009-09-20T23:28:00.002-05:00

Earlier this evening, my brother and sister-in-law came over. They helped me get some yard work done. I can't express how much it means to me to have that help. I think my brother mowed the lawn 3 times in a row. Seriously, it hasn't been that short all summer even after I mowed it.

I have been feeling guilty for letting my house and yard fall apart around me. I may not be the tidiest of people, but I also dislike messes. I know, hard to believe, if you know me.

But I also noticed something... I noticed that, knowing that my brother and sister-in-law were coming over, I suddenly had the motivation and maybe a little more energy to get some work done around my house. I also noticed that while outside in the yard, I actually did a little of the work and was able to ignore the pain in my hip. Perhaps all it takes is a little company. I rarely invite people over "outright" right now due to my CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) (a phrase coined by the Fly Lady - who I may have to get back to following again - but first I need to start from scratch)

I do have pain, I am not stretching the truth when I complain about my pain. However, oftentimes recently it becomes my excuse. It often hinders me, not solely because of the pain, but because of the thought process that goes along with it.

"I'm glad to be getting this done"
"ow, damnit, my hip hurts"
"gosh why does this hurt so much?"
"it never used to hurt like this"
"why do I have to do this all by myself?"
"if you didn't leave me, I wouldn't have to do everything myself"
"how could you leave me?"
"f*** this, I'm going inside"
"woe is me"

then it doesn't get done.

The other thing that happens sometimes is I'll be working away and trying my best to ignore it but decide to take a break, but can not get back into it again after said break.

It doesn't help that it rained and/or was too wet from the rain for 90 percent of August. My grass grew wickedly fast this summer and so did the weeds. Perhaps my husband mowed the lawn more often than I realized, but the rain didn't help anything.

I know that doesn't even account for the mess inside. Though very similar thought process happens inside too. My pain follows me wherever I go, but I used to work through the pain. I don't know why I can't do that now.

I am just overwhelmed by it all. I try to make a schedule for myself, but I suck at keeping schedules, especially ones I make for myself. Especially if there's no accountability. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, and since I can't do it all... I tend to do nothing....

I do have another doctor's appointment this week coming up, so hopefully something will come of it, but I don't hold out alot of hope for anything medical related.

If nothing comes from my doctor's appointment, I'm considering to get a professional massage.

But for the moment, I think I'm going to go get some sleep. I'm supertired now, considering it's not all that late. However, I did somehow manage to get up early the last 2 days.

Rotted Apples and Poo

2009-09-17T16:54:00.003-05:00

I was just outside. It is such a lovely day outside, especially after having rain much of August.

But I can't enjoy being outside right now either. Inside I have a mess but I am able to distract myself from the mess with the television or the laptop. I can't do that outside.

Between the rain and the pain I have been having in much of my body this year, and the fact that I am the only one here to do anything, I have neglected the yard a bit. Okay, I neglected it alot. I really need to get back out there and scoop some poop and also rotted apples everywhere.

I have not been going into the actual yard lately, but today I did, and I realized it reeked of the rotted apples. I am seriously considering to have the apple tree chopped down. Now I do use as much apples as I can, but being crabapples, I can use tons of them and still not use many of them. I tried to get more apples down before they rotted off but it was too painful for me. I tried to clean up one day but my hip screamed in pain.

I have repeatedly sent out requests for help but no one seems to be available to help. I think I'm going out tomorrow to buy an actual pooper scooper so I don't have to bend to scoop the poo and I'll use it for the rotted apples too. Part of the problem is I can't see them either because of the grass. I wonder how much it would cost to hire someone to do it for the rest of the season, then next year start from scratch. (truth be told, I started off well this year. I started off determined not to let it get the best of me but then there were a few days of rain that got me off track and I never found my way back.

It is embarrassing to ask for help. Especially when help doesn't arrive. I think I am going to have to call a professional.

Early in the spring I had the Scoopy-Doo guys come in. It cost 130 bucks ( that's with all the taxes and stuff added to it) come and do a spring clean. They do a weekly clean up too for about 16.00 a week. I decided not to do that because really, if I kept on top of it there'd be no problem. Now I'm wishing I had. I'd have to start again with 130 bucks because there's more than a weeks worth of poo.

I know, gross eh? And it can't be healthy for my dog to be going out there every day. In fact I have not been letting her stay out very long and so she's becoming a bit stircrazy too.

And I haven't been able to walk her much either because of the pain I'm having. And besides that, when we walk, she rarely goes potty on the walk, because, well, we basically taught her not to!

What do I do now?

For the first time in my life, I'm wishing winter would come early, so it would just all be covered with snow so I don't have to deal with it. *tears*

a more positive post

2009-09-15T22:21:00.001-05:00

The last few posts I've written have been a little moody/depressing.

I wrote a more positive post tonight.

But you'll have to click HERE to see it.

Medical Records

2009-09-13T22:02:00.002-05:00

I got your medical records today.

I only read a few pages.

and it made me cry... cry... cry...

What made me cry the most was reading some of the nurses quotations of things you said.

Like when you had the thrush and you couldn't swallow your food because it hurt to much. You said "I'm starving! I'm going to die of starvation!" and then you cried.

It hurt to see them write how often you cried. You tried to be strong when I was there. You didn't show me your tears much til the end. But those papers show that you cried more often than you let on.

But they still insist that you weren't going to die that day. Notes from even an hour before you left said something like "wife was about to leave when nurse came in and asked her to come back later and wife became agitated because she thought the nurse meant pt would die that night"

They tried to convince me I misunderstood.

If I misunderstood then why did you die not 2 hours later?

Wave

2009-09-09T22:24:00.003-05:00

The day my husband died... I put this photo up as my profile pic on Facebook.

I thought it was appropriate because he is waving...

I came across the photo again today and boy did it make me cry.

This photo was taken before he lost hope. Before they told us radiation wasn't working. Before he became completely paralyzed. Before they said he would never come home.

*tears*

The Smallest Gestures

2009-09-04T14:00:00.002-05:00

When I went to my father-in-law's funeral, they had gotten a single flower for each member of the family to toss into the grave at the end of the ceremony.

I was deeply touched that they gave me 3 flowers. One for me, one for Bear and one for Babybear.

It meant more than I could express.

It really is the smallest gestures that mean the most.

Feeling a bit better ....

2009-09-01T22:10:00.003-05:00

Now that I'm home, I'm able to calm down a bit more.

Though it doesn't come without consequences. I was hit with a migraine today. Go figure too, just as I'm finally getting the energy to clean my house a bit! Needless to say, not much got done after all.

home

2009-08-31T17:01:00.002-05:00

I'm back home after a very emotionally difficult week.

It was already going to be a naturally difficult week, but a few certain people decided to make it an even worst week. I wish I were exaggerating but I am not. These people have been doing this for most of my life now, but I chose to put it aside and attend this funeral and wedding, and be the bigger person. Unfortunately, as usual, I leave feeling worse than I arrived.

I am not going to get into a lot of details right now. I am feeling awful right now, not to mention emotionally and physically tired.

And in case anyone is curious, I did ok at the wedding. I only broke down once. Although, was it worth it? I don't think so. It was a mistake to go, not because of me, but because of others. It would not have mattered if my husband and my daughter had been there, those same people would have treated me the same as they did. The only difference might have been my emotional reaction to their belittling. By the way, the bulk of this happened after the wedding when I made yet another mistake by staying an extra day.

I guess they are right, it IS my fault that they treated me that way!

Gotta Put On My Happy Mask

2009-08-29T00:00:00.000-05:00

Today, my brother is getting married.

Guess I gotta put on my happy mask*.

While all the while, I'll be wishing my Bear and my Babybear were there with me.

And fight back the tears.

Smile my fake smile and say congratulations, best wishes.

Oh yes, it is a happy day.

Better than a year ago today, indeed, but the memory will cast a shadow today.

Will anyone notice but me?

______________

* refers to the poem "The Mask"

It's been a year

2009-08-28T00:00:00.000-05:00

A year ago this week things began to go wrong again.

Because I will start crying (too late, already started) I am not going to write a full post. I am just going to let you read what I wrote last year on these dates.

August 28, 2008

August 29, 2008

August 30, 2008

There are a couple more updates in September and maybe October too. I started this blog when he fell down the stairs and ended up in the hospital permanently Thanksgiving Weekend (Canadian Thanksgiving, the second weekend of October).

I can't believe it's been a year. :(

9 months

2009-08-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

You've been gone for 9 months. How is this even possible?

It feels like yesterday.

It feels like a million years ago.

I still look for you every morning.

I still wait for you to come home every day.

I still feel the empty space next to me when I go to bed.

I still strain to hear your voice.

I still long to talk to you.

I still need your bear hugs.

I still cry, every day.

I still miss you.

I still love you.

I still need you.

Saying Goodbye To My Father-In-Law

2009-08-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

July 25, 1926 - August 21, 2009

Going to my father-in-law's funeral today.

Moody

2009-08-23T22:24:00.002-05:00

I've been a bit moody this week. Frustrated. I don't blame anyone for it. It just is. It's no one's fault that things happened the way they did. No one's fault that I have to go out a couple days earlier than planned. I know, in my head, that no one is conspiring to make life more difficult for me.

It just feels like it is sometimes.

I wish I could get control of my emotions. Everything hits me at once and I get overwhelmed and don't know what to do. So I burst open. It's like shaking a can of pop and then opening it. You're going to get sprayed. And the people around me get sprayed. Oh, yes they do.

I'm not saying they shake this emotional can of pop on purpose. It just happens.

I keep getting focused on what could go wrong that I can't deal with solutions to prevent it. Like this whole trip thing. I have put some requests out there but nothing came back and I got frustrated and gave up before anyone had a chance to respond. Unfortunately though, most of the responses were not favorable or workable for the current situation. I know that it doesn't mean no one cares, but that emotional can has been shaken again and the little voice in my head says "no one cares, everyone hates you. life sucks, time to die"

Bleh.

I'll be glad when this week is over. I don't think my problems will be solved but at least I'll have this wedding and funeral out of the way.

My Body is Failing Me.

2009-08-23T09:52:00.003-05:00

I know I shouldn't complain. Bear had it so much worse than me!

But my body is failing me. I wanted to immediately get outside this morning and clean up doggy doo and mow the lawn since the rain has finally stopped long enough to do so. However, I cleaned up maybe 3 or 4 poos (which was not easy because it was still wet from the rain!) but I couldn't take much more of it, my hip was screaming in pain.

I have a doctor's appointment coming up in September to talk about all this pain. I hope they won't dismiss me. I am not getting things done around here partly because of depression but mostly because of pain. Every time I have a burst of energy to get stuff done I end up stopping short because of pain.

It's not just in my hip, but my entire body! I don't know what the hell is going on. I've had pains before, some chronic but never like this. Never this bad for this long.

and sometimes I can't help but wonder if I have somehow inherited Bear's pain on top of my own.

It's a good punishment, I guess, but I don't know how to correct.

Yes, I know this blog has become a sounding board for all my complaints!

I wish it was still about Bear's progress.

funeral

2009-08-21T18:55:00.002-05:00

well it looks like the funeral is on Wednesday. So instead of heading out that way on Friday morning for my brother's wedding (saturday), I now have to head out there on Wednesday morning and hope I get there in the nick of time. (Yes, I know I could leave on Tuesday night but gosh darn it I was hoping to stay out there for as little time as possible. go friday come back sunday.)

The worst part is that I can't even find someone to watch my dog while I'm at the wedding (and now funeral).

I know I can stay at my mom's, I did last time but it made me sick. Literally. Her house is not in good condition. Mold and all that.

I also know I could go out wednesday and come back home then go back again, but what's the point. It's a 4 hour drive each way.

and I hate driving.

I miss my husband. :(

another reunion.

2009-08-21T11:08:00.001-05:00

My father-in-law passed away this morning.

Update on FIL

2009-08-20T12:46:00.002-05:00

I got an update from my sister-in-law just over an hour ago. As of that time, my father-in-law had made it through the night and had been transferred to a palliative care unit. This is all I know for the time being and will post updates as they come.

Bad News about Bear's Dad.

2009-08-19T21:46:00.004-05:00

I just got the call that Bear's dad is in the hospital and is not expected to make it through the night.

His dad has been sick for a very long time, so this isn't a complete surprise, but still upsetting nonetheless.

It's just a lot to take at once.

More Cancer...

2009-08-17T18:04:00.002-05:00

I finally heard from my MIL today.

The other day I had seen my SIL on facebook and asked what's up with her mom. She had told me her grandma had surgery in the hospital, but that's all I really knew.

Well, it turns out gramma has cancer. I don't know anything more than that. That's why she was in the hospital. My MIL is more or less staying at her house during the days while her brother (B's uncle) is at work. I am not really sure what else is happening. What kind of cancer, if it was early detection or not. I don't know. I do know the last time I was out there, she wasn't feeling well and was being stubborn about it. I think they were chalking it up to age.

Stupid cancer.

Outsider

2009-08-15T15:43:00.002-05:00

That's what I am now.

An outsider.

Someone who doesn't matter at all. not one bit.

so i found out my MIL was in town. No one told me.
She never responded to my invitation to come out and see me.
never replied to my saying I have to be out there at the end of the month, would you like a visit?

nothing.

I should have been the one who died. no one would miss me.

what's been bugging me

2009-08-13T15:45:00.000-05:00

I wrote about it here.

Gut Feelings

2009-08-13T13:26:00.003-05:00

So far, in my life, my gut feelings have been right.

I'm tired of them being right.

I'm also tired of it being right but in a different way than I thought.

I had a gut feeling I would never be a mother....
.... I got pregnant but my child died in womb.

I had a gut feeling my marriage was ending despite my husband's claims that he had no intention of ending our marriage...
.... then my husband got sick and died.

I had gut feeling that college wouldn't work out for me...
... I somehow graduated but I couldn't get into the field because I lacked the experience that employers wanted me to have (uh, how am I supposed to get experience?) (and I actually believe this was just an excuse because they didn't want to deal with a deafie.

This goes back even further in life....

My whole life. even now.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of trying and trying and nothing comes out of it.

I'm tired of having to change my dreams, and only to have them crushed too.

also

2009-08-12T22:09:00.003-05:00

today is our niece's birthday. she's 13.

my daughter looks just like her.

once, a fellow SHARE mom offered to touch up some photos for me. Well, my photos are pretty awful so I really don't share them much but I was desperate at that time to get a photo.

She made this watercolor photo using the WORST photo I have. This photo was the least blurry but it was the worst photo. I had literally screamed when I saw that photo the first time. I still can't look at it today.

Anyway, she somehow turned it into a water color photo and added a teddy bear and she also added an arm to make it look like my daughter had her hand around the teddy bear. (in reality my daughter's arms were not visible in the photo) and she changed it to make it look like she was wearing clothes, not just swaddled in a blanket.

But the very first thing I noticed from that photo was how much she looked like our niece.

I dug up an old photo of our niece as a baby and showed it to my husband. and he then realized I was right. They did look exactly alike except that my daughter had a dimple on her chin (I will point out that my husband had a dimple on his chin, as do our nephews)

Anyway. Even though they would have been 9 years apart, I like to think that our niece and our daughter would have been close. After all they're the only girls on this side of the family tree. I wish they could have met.

last night was hard but today was better

2009-08-12T21:55:00.002-05:00

so yesterday I got an email that once again proved that I should never hope for good things in life.

I don't feel ready to talk about it today. I don't want to ruin whatever decent mood I'm in now.

Yesterday for the most part went well, I got some things done. I closed my bank account because what's the point of paying a 10 dollar monthly charge for an account that hardly has any money in it now and which I have hardly even touched. I have been using my husband's account since he was in the hospital. I don't need two, and his account had more automatic payments than mine. So no big deal, got that done. Got some bills paid and went to the gym. I was too tired after that to do much and very hungry so I came home and made supper. It was after supper that I got that email.

I don't know if it was the emotional weariness or what, but last night was the first time I fell asleep before 1:30 AM in goodness knows how long. Most days lately, it is at least 3 AM before I fall asleep. So that means today I was up by 8 (no alarm) and made it to the gym again and went for groceries. Came home, power went out, decided to take my dog to the pet store so we wouldn't get hot. (Remember last week I was complaining about being cold and considering to turn the heat on in the house? Well this week it's so hot that being naked isn't going to cool you off, not that I would ever go naked). Also because I wanted to get her nails trimmed but the groomer was gone for the day. Then we stopped at the farmer's market for my new addiction (kettle popcorn), some peas and garlic. So at least she had a chance to get out of the house. and she got some cuddles from a boy at the farmers market.

Anyway i know it doesn't sound like I did a lot but these days are hard to get moving sometimes.

Tonight, I was looking at the photos from my daughter's birthday and I noticed something I didn't see before. You can see it the photos on my other blog.

Then I went outside to close the bbq because it was starting to rain and I saw a double rainbow in the distance.

I don't know if it's signs or not but it lifted my spirits up a little bit. I know it won't last forever but at least it was there momentarily.

i'm done.

2009-08-11T18:51:00.000-05:00

adios.

i miss you

2009-08-08T23:45:00.003-05:00

Rainy Day

2009-08-07T17:13:00.001-05:00

Matches my mood.

actually it makes it worse. freezing in august? there's nothing right about that. nothing right about anything these days.

I Do My Writing When I'm Down In The Dumps

2009-08-06T13:27:00.002-05:00

I don't want everyone to think that I'm woe-is-me 24/7. I just happen to do most of the blogging on this particular blog when I'm having a down in the dumps moment.

Sometimes it seems like it's all the time, and some days it is. Sometimes I will be fine one minute, crappy the next and fine the next. I'm never great, but how could I be what with all I've been through but I'm "Ok" sometimes.

And more often than not, I'll feel better, however temporarily, after I blog it.

But I just wanted you all to know. I could be worse. Trust me.

Yesterday was actually a pretty decent day, except the pain while walking. I chose to write while I was feeling down about the pain. I got it off my chest for a while and was able to focus on other stuff for a bit.

As someone mentioned in the comments, being positive IS helpful, but how can you be positive without shedding some of the negative.... hopefully more positive will replace some of the negative as time goes on, but right now they are battling for a spot in my overcrowded brain.

two kinds of pain.

2009-08-05T23:18:00.003-05:00

The last few days I have been thinking alot about pain. A couple recent situations here have me thinking about this topic. :

Emotional pain:

The phrase "hiding in plain sight" is so true. I've been trying to get organized around here and have been going through tons of papers and such. Anyway, there's a metal box on my desk. I've had it forever. I can't remember what I used to use it for, but anyway it's always been there. Well, I picked up some papers that was sitting on top of it, and then I noticed something that I forgot.

I had put the box out at my daughter's funeral to encourage people to write a note to her. I had taped on the top of the box "letters for Babybear" A few people did, not many, but I'm glad for the ones who did.

Anyway so I opened it up and I noticed that I stuck cards and other things in there, including my pregnancy test, which still says Positive in bright lines. I thought those things were supposed to fade after a while.

It was so bittersweet to realized where this was. I haven't got an official spot for all of my daughter's things because I keep looking for "the perfect shelf" and also my husband and I talked about getting a nice trunk for our bedroom to house some of these things but we never did get around to doing our bedroom.

****

Physical Pain:

I mentioned a bit about this in a previous entry recently. I don't know why I am having so much pain in my ankles and hips these days, particularly when I walk. I don't seem to have this problem walking around my yard (though my hip pain seems to be constant lately) but when I try and take my dog for a walk it becomes nearly unbearable. I barely make it to the end of the block (and I'm in the middle of it) before I start fighting the urge to scream out loud. Today, I pushed my limits and walked to the farmer's market (10 min walk each way) and back so that my dog could get some exercise (and me too, I guess) and so I could get some lettuce to make a salad for supper. Anyway, again, I barely made it 3 houses down the street before I wanted to turn around and come back home. I kept going and I'm really glad I did but the pain was unbearable. I don't know what's going on. I mentioned it to the doctor recently and they didn't do anything. Not even look.

Anyway, I don't want to prolong my life or anything but goodness gracious I just want to be pain free while I live here. I know that may be an impossible wish, but do I really have to be in chronic pain all the time?? What the hell is wrong with me? It makes me feel very much like a big fat loser.

I have been going back to the gym again recently. And funnily enough, doing my work out at the gym does not aggravate my pain more than it naturally is. That is to say I still feel the pain (particularly my hip) but it doesn't seem to make it worse or better. I've had this issue with my hip off and on since I gave birth to my daughter, and my ankles have had some issues the last couple years too, but only when I'm walking.

Well, enough of my rambling and such. I don't know who reads this anymore, I am just typing this for myself. I know I am being a big whiner. My friend suggested naturalopath medicine and I may look into it. Obviously "real" doctor's aren't helping me anything.