One Bear Hug at a Time

christmas.

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 07:09:00 +0000

I spent all day trying to figure out what to say....

but the only thing I can think of is

Merry Christmas. I love you. I wish you were here.

That is true every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.

as predicted, I spent the day alone (other than the pup). I watched a few movies and tried to pretend like it was any other day. I tried not to be sad there was no tree, no stockings, no gifts.
No turkey, no treats, no bears. :(

Plenty of snow though, as it has been snowing non stop for over 24 hours now.

I might've actually done christmas if anyone actually wanted to come and spend it with me.

But you were the only one who loves christmas as much as I did.

I don't know what else to say, so I better stop before I feel worse.

today's post

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:13:00 +0000

read over here

Life's Lesson

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 16:02:00 +0000

So, in the past few weeks, I have lost even more friends. I think once you hit the one year mark you're supposed to magically be happy again.

The worst part of this is that one of the friends I've lost is a fellow angel mommy who should know better that there is no time line for grief.

I am not going to get into it right now. I spent all night awake and upset about this. I would not say this person was a close friend, in fact, other than our angel babies, we had not much in common. So losing this person as a friend is not what hurts me most. It's the fact that I am losing my ability to trust people and to know who actually cares about me. It's that I am afraid that people are going to turn on a dime and suddenly hate me, just as this person did, and the previous friendship that dissolved a couple weeks ago.

I am getting tired of all the excuses for these people leaving being that I haven't "gotten over it" yet. Well let me spell it out for you right now. I am NEVER going to "get over it".

And you know, I could be doing MUCH worse than I am now. I could be completely non-functional, and if I were non-functional, I'd be dead by now but somehow I've managed to get out of bed every day and make my own meals so I don't starve. I've managed to go to the grocery store and buy the groceries even though god knows I don't ever want to leave the house.

I am just so tired of people .... I'm seriously at a point where I feel that maybe I should just drop everyone and accept the fact that I'm meant to be alone, alone alone.

and I'm tired of people saying they are here for me, and all that. Actions speak louder than words.....

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 01:36:00 +0000

I can't even remember the last time I saw anyone in real life.

my only friend is the computer and I'm starting to hate the computer.

I'm tired of being alone all. the. time.

gosh I think I would be certifiable if I didn't have my dog. at least I can hug her and talk to her, but she can't talk back and she can't hug me the way I need to be hugged right now.

I'm tired of all these tiny things going wrong making my day more miserable than it needs to be.

how much longer... are we there yet....
wait wait wait

truth is i'm probably already dead and in hell (It's COLD here... where's the fire?)

my own private hell.
alone.
cold.

bear,

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 02:53:00 +0000

I'm running out of things to say to you, except those moments when I yell at you for leaving me alone.

I hate yelling, and I hate crying.

Yet that's all I seem to do.

One or the other, and sometimes both at the same time.

i wish it was january

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 03:59:00 +0000

december sucks.

fyi

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 04:47:00 +0000

i miss you.

so I didn't get my birthday wish

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 06:19:00 +0000

but I survived my birthday just to be slapped in the face with the 1st anniversary of his funeral date.

yee haw.

kill me now.

cross fingers

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 16:15:00 +0000

please please PLEASE let me see my family today.

it's all i want for my birthday.

bear's birthday cake

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:25:00 +0000

I made Bear this cake. Most of it will go in the freezer. Only one person showed up for cake, so only the ears are gone. I guess shopping and football (stupid Grey Cup) were more important to most people. I'm sure there were other excuses too. But no one said the real reason....they don't want to be around a sad, miserable person. Well, I can tell you that during that 1 hour that someone was here was the only hour of the entire day that I was not miserable.

So Bear died 2 days before his birthday. Babybear died and was born 3 days later.

My birthday is on Friday. Hopefully, I will have the same fate to die a few days before my birthday. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Oh wait.

I never get what I want.

(happy) birthday, bear

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:10:00 +0000

Today is Bear's 39th birthday....
... except he will forever be 37.

Survivor

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 01:21:00 +0000

Last year, the American Thanksgiving was on November 27th.

I was watching Survivor just as I am this very moment. Except, I wasn't really watching it. I had pulled the chair next to his bed and I held his hand. Every so often he would make a gasp and I would get worried.

Sometime, maybe half way through Survivor, I felt a chill go through the air, and I felt like something hit me in the chest.

I literally jumped out of my chair and began the biggest freak-out of my lifetime.

I can not relive it right now because it hurts too much. But you can read about the freak out HERE. It is because of this that my husband left me, I am certain. No one will ever convince me otherwise. My daughter died when I had a freak out and my husband died when I had a freak out. That can not be a coincidence.

And so, today is the American Thanksgiving and the only thing I'm grateful for at the moment is that I am Canadian and I already dealt with Thanksgiving this year.

Tomorrow will be 1 year since the day he died at 8:40 pm.

Sunday will be his birthday. He should be turning 39 this year.

He always joked to me that he wouldn't live to see 40.

Deep down, he must've known it to be true.

I always joked that he often acted like an old man.

How ironic that he was already past middle aged when we met on my 18th birthday, which was just a few days after his 23rd.

I've been trying to keep myself busy with organizing my house this week. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I had the thought this afternoon as I threw some old bank statements into the pile for shredding that pretty soon there'll be nothing to show he was real.

Pretty soon his existence will completely vanish.

There'll be no child to continue his branch the family tree, for the only child he had died too. My branch has stopped with me too.

I can't believe it's been a year.

*tears*

Why couldn't he have been a Survivor.... and not the kind on tv...?

candlelighting

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 02:11:00 +0000

Last night I went to a candlelighting ceremony that was put on by the local Compassionate Friends.

Bear and Babybear's photos up on the "Children Remembered" table

Bear and Babybear's candles

don't blame me.... I didn't make up the rules

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 03:08:00 +0000

So lately, I have been getting this feeling that people feel like I'm making up the rules of grief.

They say things like "well you shouldn't be upset"

or

"you can't say things like that"

or

"I wish I could help you.... but I can't because...."

Last week I put out a quick invite to anyone who wants to come over for cake next week on what would be my husband's 39th birthday.

I quickly got "no I can't" replies from a few people. They all had excuses. A couple said "well maybe you can plan it another day." I have no say in the day my husband was born or the day he died. Just the same as I did not plan my daughter's death nor birth dates. I quickly removed and cancelled the invite.

I am so sorry that it inconvenienced you all.

That you'd rather go shopping for sales than have some cake with me.

I'm sorry that I'm so fucking depressing to be around.

Maybe I wouldn't be if I didn't feel so alone all the fucking time.

Maybe I wouldn't be if I felt like I mattered and that there was a reason to stay alive in this hell on earth.

But don't you dare blame me.

I didn't make up the rules of grief.

can't do this much longer

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 03:02:00 +0000

it hurts too much.

please let me see my family.

please.

*cry*

:(

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 02:27:00 +0000

I'm sad.

awaiting crashburn

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:11:00 +0000

okay i have been trying really hard to get stuff done around my house because I know there will be a crashburn very soon. Emotionally, that is. With Bear's Angel day (Nov. 27) and his birthday (Nov. 29) and my birthday (Dec. 4), his funeral anniversary (Dec. 5) and Christmas coming up I don't know how much I can take emotionally.

I have just hesitantly sent out an invite on Facebook to a few local family/friends to join me for cake on his birthday. I hesitate because I have already experienced the fact that people do not like to celebrate the birthdays and angel days of those who have gone on to heaven without us. When my daughter died in 2005, we had a little memorial service for her. We did not have a funeral because we were worried no one would come. Well people did come to her memorial (it was just in our back yard and we did not have a minister or anything join us because, as mentioned, we really did not think anyone was going to come. It was also about 2 months after she died too because it took us that long to decide we needed to do it for ourselves. (I should also point out that most of the people who came to this no memorial no longer speak to me)

Then in 2006 we had a little birthday party for her. but we reminded people that it was also our wedding anniversary so if they couldn't think of it as her birthday then they should think of it as our anniversary and come anyway. We had a few people come to that, and again in 2007. But in 2008, not a single person came. Everyone had excuses. Some of them were valid but most of them were not. That was our last anniversary together, our last chance to have a family gathering because just a few weeks later we found out Bear's cancer was back.

I don't think I will ever forgive my family and his for not showing up for that.

In 2009, obviously, it was just me and my dog. I did NOT invite anyone. But thankfully 3 of my friends decided to come over. One of them I only reunited with on Facebook after my husband was sick or maybe it was after he had already died, I can't remember. It wasn't much before he died if it was before, the other one I had only recently met, and another was a friend who's been there before.) But still, I hesitate to invite people because my experience in life is that no one shows up when I invite people. This is why I don't even invite people for coffee. I just leave it open "come whenever".

But I know, I know I can not do this alone. So I am trying again. Setting myself up for disappointment again.

I will make a cake, as I do for my daughter's birthday. I don't know how I will decorate it though. For hers I always did a bear theme. For her last one I made a Bear and a Babybear. I guess I will do the same this time. Last time I messed it up a bit though. I would like to take some cake decorating lessons someday, but not sure where to go. Will have to investigate.

I should point out that the invite situation happened long before I lost my daughter too. I had a few birthday parties that no one showed up to or other occasions, New Year's, or "just because". Sometimes I wonder if my friends are really my friends or if they hang out with me when they are bored and there's no one else to hang out with. Sometimes, I wonder if people really like me. I know most people don't. I don't blame them. I don't much like myself either.

Lest We Forget....

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:21:00 +0000

babybear's bear with the poppy her daddy wore every year

Today is Remembrance Day.

It is a day we are to remember all the victims of war, past and present.

However, today I remember my bear and my babybear and the wars they fought to stay alive.

They may have lost their fight but they were definitely soldiers in a battle.

Babybear's battle against my body.
Bear's battle against his own.

And now I am battling to find my way to them.
At least I know that, eventually, I will win this battle.

And we will be reunited.

G'ma

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:40:00 +0000

I think I've mentioned before that B's gramma has cancer now, too. I got an update this morning from B's uncle. He was trying to be all positive but the signs are the same as it was near the end of B's life. He couldn't eat, he was becoming cranky around me but tried to be happy-go-lucky around the nurses and visitors. I don't know. Maybe I've been ruined for life, but I can't think positive anymore. I only see the doom and gloom. Sure, she could live for another 20 years but positive thinking never worked for me before. Why disappoint myself any further?

Of course, I still hope for the best. But my experiences have harden my hope. I don't hold much hope for anything anymore. It's still there lurking below the surface but that's as far as it goes.

Is this any way to live? Knowing that things can and will only get worse. Knowing that even if I'm the tiniest bit happy, my sadness will always be greater? Knowing that, no matter what I fill it with, there'll always be a huge hole in my heart? Knowing that, no matter what good I've done in my life, the wrongs will always tip the scale? knowing that no matter how fast I run, no matter where I go, I'll always be there with me?

I started this post about B's gramma, but once again, I've selfishly turned it around to a post about me, and whine whine whine.

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 21:34:00 +0000

I still haven't figured out how to live without you....

why the hell do I have to?

:(

The weather is really nice here for November. And no snow on the ground. We did have a little bit of snow early October but it was gone within a day or two. Today, E and I went to the doggy park. I had to take the leaves to the "leaf-it' depot anyway and realized they had one there, so away we went. She was so excited to be at the park. Well, heck to be out of our house and yard. I have not been very good at taking her for walks. I get too focused on my hip and leg pains that I don't take her or when I do we don't go very far. Maybe as long as it's nice outside I should take her to the park every other day or so , I tend to be able to walk further in a place like that. I don't know why. Even if it means driving there but worth it perhaps? I don't know. We went there earlier in the summer or late spring and I said I'd take her there 2 times a week. I'm such a liar.

Anyway, going to the park is kind of hard. We went there a few times before he got sick. Actually, the last time we went there, he was feeling pain, but we never really thought much of it other than perhaps because he had no muscles left in his chest.

You know, if I hadn't made him go back to the doctor and say he wanted that mass removed, he might still be alive. I mean he had that mass for years and years. The cancer in there was very tiny, like an inch or two around. I feel that we angered the cancer by removing it's home, so it reacted fiercely instead of slowly. I might've had him for a few more years instead of mere months. :(

Today, I was putting away my laundry... that I washed like a week ago...and one of the sweaters was actually his but I wear it sometimes. I put it back in his closet instead of mine today. And then I grabbed a bunch of his sweaters and just hugged them. It felt just like I was hugging him! I wish I was.

November

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:47:00 +0000

November how I loathe you.

You may have given life to the one who I would marry, but you also gave him death.

A whole year?

How is that even possible?

It happened yesterday, in my heart and my mind.

How does one survive heartbreak? I don't even know, and yet, somehow, I'm still here.

Though, I hate being here so much.

I am anxious for my day to come, to be reunited with my family.

I can't believe I'm going to be all alone for another christmas. :(

and another one after that
and every single one til I fucking croak.

Some days I think that I should go to the gang infested areas of town and just loll around until I get caught in some crossfires. Wear some rival gang colors, that should do the trick.

But mostly, every night, I beg to not wake up.

But every morning I do.

When will this end?
will it ever?!

halloween

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:08:00 +0000

(Yesterday I posted in my daily blog about it being my EDD anniversary. You can head over there if you want to read it.)

Today is Hallowe'en.

Another day I really would rather not deal with, but kinda hard not to when the trick-or-treaters will be knocking on my door. I was going to hide upstairs and watch tv but there's nothing on tv on Saturday's and my dvd player is in the living room. So.

In the end I decided to get some chips to honor my husband (he had a huge chip addiction) and just pass those out to the trick or treaters. Hopefully the evening will go by quickly and that most of the kids come early. Usually I shut off my outside light and refuse to open the door past 8:30 or so. I may shut it sooner. After about 7:30 usually it's just the big kids who are big enough to get their own damn candy, anyway. But hopefully I will run out long before that then I can put up my "OUT OF CANDY" sign. or whatever. I just hope the dog won't bark bark bark. Last year she did okay, she barked at the first few kids and then after a while realized they were scary anyway. lol. I had treats out for her and had her stay on her mat most of the time. But she was recently trained and it was still working. It doesn't seem to work any other time, I dunno why. I hope it will work tonight because I just don't think I'll be able to deal otherwise. It also helped last year that the couch was where it was supposed to be and I could see the kids coming up to the door. This year, my couch is not where it's supposed to be. growwl.

the year before daddy was still here so I put emma up in the bedroom with him. before that we didn't have her yet.

This sucks.

I wish I could just disappear.

11 months

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 05:23:00 +0000

Today, or rather, yesterday now, was 11 months since my Bear flew away.

My heart still hurts with every beat.

I miss my family so much, bear and babybear.

Afterwards

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:12:00 +0000

So I came back from my whirlwind trip.... to this horrible life that is my "normal".

and I am reminded again, just how alone I am.

who knew this house could become even more empty?

onebearhugatatime@gmail.com (A Bear and His Honey) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:41:00 +0000

My cousin came and picked up my dog today. I sure miss her. My house feels so empty!! As if it didn't already feel empty.

My flight is at 7 AM, just over 11 hours from now. Hopefully I will get a nap in. I snoozed for all of 5 minutes so far. Hopefully a little more. I've got a couple more things to pack but am mostly ready. I hope. I hate airports. Alot of that is because of my hearing loss. I will worry the whole time that I will miss announcements or something.

But I'm going and I'm hoping I'll have a good time. This is my first-ever major trip. And going somewhere where I don't already know people. I'll be meeting a few of my online friends there but no one I already know will be there.

I'm taking a leap of faith. My husband died feeling like he did nothing with his life... at least now I'll be able to say I did something once.

And even if it means I don't eat for the next year, I don't care. I wonder if my pup is too old to train to be a service dog (she's only 2 but usually service dogs are trained right from the get go) then she could come with me everywhere.